DD friend might be lying about her parents' divorce

amother

Wed, May 17 2023, 7:38 am

We live in E"Y. A new girl, let's say her name is Shira, joined DDs 6th grade class this past year and DD has become friendly with her. Other classmates told DD that Shira's parents are divorced. DD asked Shira if it's true (I told her she could ask her if no one else is around) and she reacted "No, where did you hear that?!" And then said that she knows girls are saying that, but it isn't true.

Now DD called Shira's house and the mother told her that "Shira isn't home, she's at her father's." Meaning, at her father's house.

My question is what should I do? Is it my role to do anything? Should I call the teacher to ask her what the situation is? The mother lives in the next neighborhood over, and Shira and her sister switched from that school to our school, which is very, very unusual. I am a little concerned about this friendship and why the girl switched schools, which is very rare here. DD wants to go to her house and I'm still not sure what to tell her.

My main concern is that my DD is in a healthy friendship with a healthy girl. Also, I feel for Shira and wonder if the mother should be aware that her daughter feels the need to lie about her parents.

amother

Daffodil

Wed, May 17 2023, 7:42 am

Please don't mix in or involve anyone, it's none of your business. Perhaps she's in denial and still processing. Maybe she's embarrassed to admit it to her friends. Or her parents are separated, not divorced. In any case, it's not your business to yenta about it. It was also extremely inappropriate of you to tell your daughter that she should ask the girl if it's true, I'm literally speechless over this.

amother

Quince

Wed, May 17 2023, 7:43 am

It was wrong for you to tell your daughter it is ok to ask Shira if her parents are divorced, even if no one is around.
That is completely inappropriate.
You should teach your child better than that.

It's none of your daughters business, and should have no bearing on their friendship.

Wanting your child to have a healthy relationship with another girl is a perfectly acceptable concern, but her parents marital status should have nothing to do with it.

Even if she lied, I wouldn't blame her, I woudl put the blame on you, for thinking its appropriate for one girl to ask another and teaching that to your child.

amother

Whitesmoke

Wed, May 17 2023, 7:45 am

I am seperated and my 6th grader is lying to the whole class about it.

Its my only child of a big family thats choosing to react this way. I cannot force a child to tell everyone.
This child is uncomfortable with admitting it.

Yes the deceit is terrible but it isn't on something that effects the other children and it is non of their business.

I hope with time this child will mature and come clean with them.
At the moment this child is too embarrassed.

I would be mortified if someone did anything about it.

Tell your child to just let it go and have some compassion for a child who might be too embarrassed to face this.
Thank you.

amother

Cappuccino

Wed, May 17 2023, 7:46 am

I would have a great conversation with my daughter about what it might be like if someones parents are divorcing and how they may want to hide it and not discuss it.
Your daughter can learn to respect that space for her friend. I'd also talk about what makes a good friend and that my daughter can always came to me if something feels off.

justforfun87

Wed, May 17 2023, 7:49 am

As a daughter of a divorced family and knowing also what my niece is experiencing it is incredibly embarrassing to admit your parents are divorced when you are young. You should encourage your daughter to be her friend, not shun her.

amother

Brown

Wed, May 17 2023, 7:57 am

It seems like this is a new friendship. Why would you think its appropriate to ask such a personal question?

Friendships evolve and as your daughter becomes closer to her friend, she may start confiding personal things to her. Or, she may not. It is never okay to ask such personal questions.

This is a great opportunity for you to teach this important lesson to your daughter.

amother

Wed, May 17 2023, 7:58 am

OK now I feel awful. I thought it was an innocent question for a friend to ask. When I was in 6th grade my close friend's parents divorced and I hugged her and told her I was there for her. I thought my daughter could be that kind of friend like I was. I feel bad. Was it really so wrong to ask her?

amother

Pink

Wed, May 17 2023, 8:02 am

amother Moccasin wrote:

I understand why a 6th grader would lie about that. Please don't be a busybody and call the teacher.

Has your daughter mentioned anything that sounds concerning about this girl?

Maybe it was a white lie. Her parents may not be divorced yet, they may just be separated .
Either way, why would you need to know? My parents divorced and I was around that age. I kept it a secret from all my friends besides for my best friend , who I made swear up and down that she will never leak this secret of mine. I had a security in knowing that nobody will judge me or think of me as different . Being new to a school gives someone like that the opportunity not to be judged or nebached in any way. Please let this girl feel like her secret is hers only.

amother

Wed, May 17 2023, 8:04 am

amother Brown wrote:

It's a new friendship from this year but they have become pretty close this year. DD told me she's one of her best friends.

Again, I feel terrible I advised DD wrongly and will tell her I may have been wrong in my advice to ask her.

Also, Shira comes across as super confident and has a strong personality so I wrongly assumed she wouldn't have a problem being open. Omg I feel like calling her mother to apologize. But I guess best to leave things be, right?

amother

Outerspace

Wed, May 17 2023, 8:06 am

Poor Shira... I feel so bad for this kid. She just wants to be seen as normal, just like everyone else. She's worried people will look down at her or treat her as a nebuch or chessed case.

Chayalle

Wed, May 17 2023, 8:07 am

amother OP wrote:

You were close. This is a new girl. (and I'm not sure you did the right thing, but maybe you knew your friend well enough to intuit it.)

My DD (high school) has a friend whose parents are divorced. It's one of those things that is considered socially off to mention. If she's going home on a different bus (cuz she's going to her father) her friends just kindly look the other way. It's called taking your cue from the person going thru this, and giving her the space.

You don't get to decide how this friend should deal. You take your cues from her. Your daughter should not have brought it up if her friend didn't initiate.

amother

Daffodil

Wed, May 17 2023, 8:16 am

amother OP wrote:

Being open, and being asked personal questions, are 2 different things. And you told your daughter to ask, because YOU wanted to know. That is not ok.
A good close friendship, has to happen naturally and mother telling daughter to ask personal questions, does nothing to help form a close friendship.....

amother

Pink

Wed, May 17 2023, 8:19 am

amother Whitesmoke wrote:

It took me until 10th grade to finally share this secret with my school friends and even some staff at school. And after I did share I felt so vulnerable and wanted to take it back but it was too late . I struggled that entire rest of the year feeling like a nebachcase (I saw the girls treating me differently suddenly and I hated it).
I wanted to be “normal” at least in school when everything at home was so not normal after my parents divorced .