Guilt over wasted money

amother

Wed, May 17 2023, 6:28 pm

I feel a crazy amount of guilt and upset whenever my money gets wasted.

For example -

I buy a skirt that gets ruined in the wash. $100 in the garbage.
I thought a food was on sale and come home and realize I paid full price. $10 wasted.
I bought an item I didn't end up needing and only realize after that it can't be returned. $30 in the garbage.

I don't think it's healthy for me to keep on being consumed every time these things happen. I can be in a bad mood for days. I feel like on the one hand I lack emunah but on the other hand maybe I could have been more careful and it wouldn't have happened.

amother

Bluebell

Wed, May 17 2023, 6:29 pm

Are you a perfectionist?
We all make mistakes..

Can you look at it as a positive?
The money loss was bashert for you
It saved you from spending money at the Dr
Or suffering in another more difficult way

amother

Currant

Wed, May 17 2023, 6:32 pm

This is a question of basic internalized emunah
From understanding that everything Hashem does is for the best, to realizing that crying over a $100 skirt is silly because Hashem has billions he could give you!
Shaar habitachon is all you need

Highstrung

Wed, May 17 2023, 6:34 pm

I find that all these types of things are straight from HaShem. He wanted me to have this loss for whatever reason. Sometimes you don’t realize it , but you may have already received the money some way to cover that loss without realizing that it was Refuah l’fnei Hamaka.
I’ve found so many times where I earned a few extra bucks and then a few weeks later lost exactly that amount through ruined clothes, or overpaying etc.
Every gain , every sale , coupon you find , discount code you have , is from HaShem and calculated exactly for what’s meant for you . The same is with losses , HaShem calculate that you should have an exact amount and you will see losses in different ways , but your final calculation that was destined for you will remain , despite all the losses and gains . We just don’t know what the full picture is. Today I found the dress I bought for my daughter , her favorite of the season, worn only twice , completely destroyed . HaShem wanted me to have that loss. It wasn’t in my control that it got covered stains and went through the dryer by accident .

amother

Denim

Wed, May 17 2023, 6:47 pm

This concept was incredibly helpful for me from a psychology standpoint. You have to determine what your price is per hour for your time. Let's say you bought a $20 or $30 item and need to return it. You can drive a half an hour to the store, stand in line, and wait to get the $20 back and then drive half an hour home. You can call and wait on hold for a long time and eventually get a refund. The point is you waste so much mental energy and time dealing with returns on lower cost items. (Obviously if something is over $100 that's a different story.)

Part of life and money is buying things you won't need or that don't fit or that get ruined. The return isn't always worth the stress and hassle that it comes with. Is a $20 refund going to make a huge difference in your bank account? No. Is it going to drive you nuts to have to return it and ship it and drive somewhere to do all that? Yes.

I make very low salary and every dollar is really a difference to me. However, I do forgive myself for small purchases that go wrong like expensive foods or things that ring up at different prices or don't fit. I can't always get to the store within the time frame to return it. The value of my time and mental energy is important to me.

zaq

Wed, May 17 2023, 7:15 pm

Consider it a kapparah, and not only a kapparah but a kind one. Hashem caused you to lose a $100 skirt when He could have made you sick and have to pay a $100 doctor bill. Al etzim vaavanim, my friend, Al etzim vaavanim.

amother

Seafoam

Wed, May 17 2023, 8:22 pm

I was young married And Lost 14K.
Then lost 2K I was depressed. I thought it was my neglect and stupidity.
I was so sure I’d have the beginning of a down payment. This was over 25 years ago.
My new husband kept comforting me. The same aibershter who gave you this money, can easily replace it. For some reason his repeating this to me calmed me much

Hashem has replaced it beyond that amount.

amother

Wed, May 17 2023, 10:19 pm

amother Seafoam wrote:

Wow, I'm so happy for you.

amother

Wed, May 17 2023, 10:22 pm

I'm definitely a perfectionist and I beat myself up about everything....
I just feel like if I'd try harder maybe I wouldn't have all these "mistakes" happening to me.

Also, ironically it's the smaller amounts that get to me. Like when we had to spend a few thousand on something, it was easier to say that this is what Hashem wants and it should be a kaparrah. But when it's $40 extra at the seamstress (and I tell myself I should have asked her the price beforehand and then not used her) I get stressed out.

DustyDiamonds

Thu, May 18 2023, 12:29 am

The Judaic responses here are wonderful, yet I’m thinking of something my therapist told me about another topic.

You WILL make mistakes in every endeavor. You will mess up some aspect of most client’s orders. You will sometimes say things that insult someone else.

And that’s part of being imperfect human beings. And, just as I can be sure that the floor I’ve mopped on Friday won’t be clean after Shabbos, even though we take off shoes and sweep, because we are human… so too, I will definitely make some purchases that are a waste. That’s life!

And I’ll definitely burn a dish or two during my Shavuos cooking, knowing myself!

amother

Mintcream

Thu, May 18 2023, 12:43 am

I'm was the same, I'm working on it.

Emunah didn't help me bc for big amounts I don't have this problem, then I can say its from Hashem. But, small amounts I would beat myself up about. The reason is bc im too self critical, there's no room for mistakes. My husband taught me to just keep telling myself that all humans make mistakes. It's normal to make mistakes. Growing up I got criticised for any mistake. I'm learning to try and embrace my mistakes, they mean I'm normal.

amother

Lemonchiffon

Thu, May 18 2023, 5:25 am

amother Geranium wrote:

Some of these could be related to issues with executive functioning. Would you be interested in exploring that angle?

Can you please elaborate on this?
I have similar problem to OP although less extreme as it doesn't affect my functioning. But I've recently noted that I have a hard time being on time for things and I can no longer blame it on having a baby who needed something as I was leaving.... so thinking executive function may be an issue for me... thanks!

amother

Thu, May 18 2023, 6:38 pm

amother Gold wrote:

What was your mother’s attitude towards money and making mistakes? Did you get a lot of blame when you made mistakes growing up? Did she (or your father) get very upset when they lost money ?

No, there was no blame for mistakes, but money was tight. I wouldn't say as a child I felt stress about money though. My parents tried hard not to discuss it.