S/o messy house - should I not have any guests?

amother

Sun, May 21 2023, 3:50 am

My house is messy. Full stop. I'm not good at cleaning, my kids help but can only do so much, I don't have cleaning help. (can't afford and not good at delegating)

The house is not atrocious I don't think but it's definitely not spotless or shining. There are cobwebs and dust and yes even dirt depending where you look. There is clutter and stuff lying around and some things are broken. It's an old house and the owners don't maintain it well so even when a room is clean it doesn't look great.

Would you invite guests? I used to a lot, but second guessing myself. Should I not?

amother

Nasturtium

Sun, May 21 2023, 4:08 am

That depends.
Of course people shouldn't be rude and comment disparagingly on other people's homes. ( I'm assuming this comes on the tails of the recent thread about young girls commenting on the state of the bathroom) But let's face it, people including children are judgemental and as we need to be aware that the way we present ourselves, keep our homes an all other externals are going to be judged and reacted to, rightly or wrongly. Obviously there are levels of cleanliness and hygiene, but I would say that if you are even somewhat embarrassed about the state of your home, it's time for you get some tools to get on top of things .
If you are not embarrassed, there isn't really a problem, is there?....but when kids get older there might be ....

amother

Snow

Sun, May 21 2023, 4:11 am

I would rather not be your guest.

If I was hosted by someone untidy and unhygienic (it goes together many times) then I would put a smile on my face but then excuse myself from any future invites if I get any.

I don't mean mildly untidy and a lived in house with toys scattered, I mean tipsy and crazy. Huge piles of dishes lying on the counters, filthy floors, grimy oven and fridge, soiled bathrooms.

amother

Kiwi

Sun, May 21 2023, 7:31 am

I don't mind clutter, or toys on the floor. I do want a clean plate, silverware, glasses. I could care less if the kids books are on the couch or scattered on the floor. When I sit on your couch though, I do not want to by accident sit in Blueberry jam, or any yogurts. I am coming for the fun, and talk and play with your children. The area we sit in though (when playing) should be clutter free, kids hands washed. That's all. If you invite for sleepover, make sure all linen are clean, floor swept. I was in an apartment where the beds and cribs were Sandy. full of clean and dirty laundry. you get the picture. That is not the time to invite friends over for sleeping.

LovesHashem

Sun, May 21 2023, 7:40 am

amother OP wrote:

Dust and dirty bother me. Messy not so much.

bigsis144

Sun, May 21 2023, 8:17 am

amother Sand wrote:

I only invite company who’s houses are just as flying (meaning also have little kids) and won’t judge.

I am similar, though my umbrella also includes families with non-neurotypical kids and parents.

Because my ADHD (ETA: and depression!) friends will understand that even if my sink is full of dishes and counters are slightly sticky when guests arrive for Shabbos lunch doesn’t mean that their food was made on dirty equipment. I just ran out of time on Erev Shabbos to wash things with hot water, etc. Or the bathrooms have toothpaste on the mirror and the sink because I had to *prioritize* and that ball got dropped for a while.

Sometimes things take turns being clean and I’m doing the best that I can.

And I am so scared about being judged that I assume most people will be grossed out unless they live in a similar situation.

I’m not oblivious. I’m just incompetent!! 😁

Last edited by bigsis144 on Sun, May 21 2023, 9:28 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Taupe

Sun, May 21 2023, 8:21 am

I'm a very fastidious person in my own house. I don't need other people's houses to be as spotless, but real dirt and clutter grosses me out. I'm not judging, but I'm just not comfortable.

I have one relative who keeps trying to invite me from time to time, and she's really messy/dirty dysfunctional and doesn't realize it. My family would not be comfortable. I invite her to me but decline return invites.

613mitzvahgirl

Sun, May 21 2023, 8:46 am

I honestly have a few friends that are totally dirty but their midos are amazing.. one friend recently invited us/ they are such nice ppl, but their house was so dirty.. I didn’t realize how dirty they were until it was time to wash.. once we were all In the kitchen it looked like a war zone.. dishes were piled high, one sink was over flowing.. the counter had dirty dishes on it from Thursdays supper of baked ziti, you were able to tell when you saw the plates, there were dirty cups on the counter- you were able to see half cup fulls of drinks of milk and orange juice, the towels had oil stains that were fresh when it was time for washing.. we asked her for knapkins as I told her I only use knapkinds in other ppls houses.. bh she knew that, there was a hamper on dirty clothes sitting in the kitchen.. I have to say bh they are really really such sweet ppl, just not neat and organized sadly.. snd they gave us plastic dishes and cups to use.. and my husband and I and our kids hardly ate.. it’s such a shame but HaShem saw that we were trying and she saw that.. I don’t think we will be going there for at least until she cleans up.. in the meantime I’m going to daven for them.. Bc it is a sickness of being this way and I know nobody’s perfect, but at the same time we aren’t the ones to judge and we aren’t.. we just look at how HaShem made such wonderful ppl that ppl shouldn’t be so quick to judge..

SuperWify

Sun, May 21 2023, 8:53 am

Messy or dirty?

I don’t mind old, my house is not new. But I work extra hard to keep it clean and hygienic. Messy doesn’t matter as long as the guest room is clean with fresh linen the bathroom is presentable and the food is prepared in a safe environment. Dirty is a problem.

amother

Sand

Sun, May 21 2023, 8:56 am

Am I the only one who has half a shabbos of dirty dishes on my counters when we hit shabbos lunch? We don’t wash dishes on shabbos so I have all the Friday night dishes on one counter and all the breakfast dishes on another. What am I supposed to do with them? Are people really judging me for that?

amother

Natural

Sun, May 21 2023, 9:03 am

amother Sand wrote:

Nope. Mixer and food processor, and Thursdays leftovers. Probably yes.
Napkins and cups from breakfast, no
Kids crafts, no
Toys n books no
Maybe a years worth of magazines would bother me.

LovesHashem

Sun, May 21 2023, 9:13 am

bigsis144 wrote:

I am similar, though my umbrella also includes families with non-neurotypical kids and parents.

Because my ADHD friends will understand that even if my sink is full of dishes and counters are slightly sticky when guests arrive for Shabbos lunch doesn’t mean that their food was made on dirty equipment. I just ran out of time on Erev Shabbos to wash things with hot water, etc. Or the bathrooms have toothpaste on the mirror and the sink because I had to *prioritize* and that ball got dropped for a while.

Sometimes things take turns being clean and I’m doing the best that I can.

And I am so scared about being judged that I assume most people will be grossed out unless they live in a similar situation.

I’m not oblivious. I’m just incompetent!! 😁

I totally feel you. I think though when people see toothpaste and other stuff they also assume other parts of the bathroom weren't clean. If we're having guests over or someone is coming unexpectedly I do make sure one bathroom is perfectly clean.

The only time I've been somewhere where it was messy like you describe it was so much more than that. The bathroom wasn't cleaned at all. There was clothing and rags and dirt all over and it smelled bad. I mean maybe they cleaned the toilet? Idk we were sleeping over and I was so grossed out.

Dont clean your bathroom or stuff I don't have to touch and use. But the guest area should be clean.

amother

Diamond

Sun, May 21 2023, 9:18 am

amother Sand wrote:

Dishes from one meal ago are ok although you should try to throw the gross parts in the garbage like don’t leave a pile of bones or rotting fish on top of the pile. The caked food I saw was weeks old. It was in the bedroom, on the couch, on the chairs, on the carpet…

amother

Nasturtium

Sun, May 21 2023, 9:20 am

amother Sand wrote:

Stack them as neatly as possible and make sure that the surrounding areas are tidy. I actually have boards that slide over my counters and cover my sinks so that if there a dirty dishes in there they are covered.