Home
Log in / Sign Up
    Private Messages   Advanced Search   Rules   New User Guide   FAQ   Advertise   Contact Us  
Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children
Daughter in mid-20s living at home.
1  2  Next



Post new topic   Reply to topic View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother
OP


 

Post Sun, May 21 2023, 6:13 am
If you could please advise I would appreciate.

My almost 26 year old daughter is living at home.

She's in shidduchim, but has not found her beshert yet.

For those of you with older adult children still living at home....how do you handle?

Does she (or he!) help with finances, like giving a certain amount each month to help with family budget? Do they help with chores around the house? Or do they just come and go as they please without any obligation at all?

My daughter works part-time (her choice) so is home a lot, but with very little obligation to family and finances. It's causing a lot of tension between her, DH and myself because no one seems to know how to handle the situation. We don't have a large house with a separate area for her, so she's home a lot. And since she's getting older it's creating a lot of tension because she wants space but doesn't want to live anywhere else.

Please advise on how to handle finances and just the overall living situation!

Thank you!!
Back to top

amother
Red


 

Post Sun, May 21 2023, 6:15 am
Yes she needs to contribute. You need to sit down with her and discuss if that means financially, errands, cooking dinner, cleaning etc. but have the conversation with her like the adults you all are.

Also point out what you’ve noticed about her having too much time on her hands and needing to fill it
Back to top

amother
OP


 

Post Sun, May 21 2023, 6:40 am
amother Red wrote:
Yes she needs to contribute. You need to sit down with her and discuss if that means financially, errands, cooking dinner, cleaning etc. but have the conversation with her like the adults you all are.

Also point out what you’ve noticed about her having too much time on her hands and needing to fill it



How much should she contribute financially? It's a really sticky situation!
Back to top

salt




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, May 21 2023, 6:45 am
I wouldn't expect an adult child living at home to contribute financially.
But I would expect them to contribute with housework/cooking, etc.
And I would not pay for their personal expenses if they are working (eg. clothes, entertainment).

Can you sit and have a discussion when everyone is in a good mood.
How can she get some more personal space - what are her solutions?
And set out your expectations too. Was she helping at home when she was younger? If she never was, I imagine it's hard to start now.
Back to top

imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, May 21 2023, 6:48 am
Nobody else can tell you how much she should give, or what exactly her obligations should be. It's going to vary by situation.

You'll have to give more particulars of yours to get guidance, and then expect that there will be hugely differing opinions presented here, from a suggestion of a significant monthly rental payment, to absolutely nothing how dare you.
Back to top

amother
Red


 

Post Sun, May 21 2023, 6:53 am
amother OP wrote:
How much should she contribute financially? It's a really sticky situation!


I would say approx 1/3 (assuming its 3 of you in the house, adjust if needed) of the weekly grocery bill if she can afford it.

Alternatively she does 1 weekly errand (like meat for shabbos) and pays for it herself
Back to top

camp123




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, May 21 2023, 7:18 am
I lived at home until I was 28, my parents didn't ask me to contribute financially and bc of that I was able to save for a down payment. However, I would on my own accord go shopping for the house with my money sometimes. I was also working full time and my parents knew I was saving my money to be able to buy a house. If your daughter is only working part-time and not contributing you may be enabling her selfish life style. You should sit her down, talk about her future financial plan, show her how much it costs to run a house. It should come from a framework, not that you need her money, or she is a burden on you. But, that it's your job is to educate her and prepare her for adult life, she should come up with a plan, of how she contribute and what her financial plans are, regardless of marriage. She should come to the realization that she needs a full time job now, bc when she's married with kids she'll probably want to work part time.
Back to top

amother
SandyBrown


 

Post Sun, May 21 2023, 7:24 am
You should look up apartment rents in your area and require her to put away that much per month in rent. Also discuss other potential living expenses and have her put it away. Her money is for her.
Back to top

amother
Brickred


 

Post Sun, May 21 2023, 7:40 am
I don't think she should continue to the household finances as that's sort of a punishment for still being at home. Anyone working should be buying their own extras but a flat rate just for living there past x age rubs me the wrong way.

That being said, all members of the household should continue to household management through cleaning, coming, errands, etc. Id expect a 25yo (really any teenager) to be doing their own laundry, cleaning their own space, and a few other chores like washing dishes, making certain foods for shabbos, etc.

If she wants more space, have her spell out exactly what she wants and see if you can find a compromise. It's hard to be an older single when all of your friends have moved on (you didn't mention if she has any friends which makes me assume not) Try to empathize with her situation a bit. When you're frustrated that she's at home, turn it to tefila that she finds her beshert.
Back to top

amother
Daylily


 

Post Sun, May 21 2023, 7:43 am
I got married at 24 and lived at home until then. I paid for my own clothes, transportation, entertainment, going out to eat, cellphone bill, gas in my car or if I drove my parents car for my trip.
I was responsible for helping out at home, doing some shabbos preparation help, some laundry, and some errands if I had time for them. I had a pretty good relationship with my parents, was out of the house from early morning until mid evening (7 or so) at work. I never was made to feel unwelcome in the house. If I had been made to feel unwelcome, it would probably have affected my emotional wellbeing.

BH my parents were not wealthy but comfortable the extra costs of my food and laundry were not a big deal for them.
Back to top

amother
Phlox


 

Post Sun, May 21 2023, 7:59 am
Why is she only working part time? What is she doing with all her free time?
Back to top

imaima




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, May 21 2023, 8:14 am
I agree that you are enabling her.
She should pay a part of rent just as she would, had she been married or living with roommates.
She should also contribute to food and household. Laundry, cleaning. For her own sake.
I could understand if she wprked full-time or more, but as a part-time worker, the more she is at home producing mess. It’s just the way it is.
Back to top

amother
Bluebonnet


 

Post Sun, May 21 2023, 8:25 am
Dd gasses up the car, helps with cooking, buys her own clothes, pays for her own travel even for shidduchim though we subsidize when we can. I think she pays for her own insurance now too. And she has student loans. So we don't ask for rent. She's doing a lot already.
Back to top

amother
Lilac


 

Post Sun, May 21 2023, 8:28 am
When I was 25 and living at home, I did less than the usual chores you would expect of a teenager, but I still helped out here and there. I did not contribute financially; my parents paid for my food, phone, and other day-to-day expenses. (I paid for the extras: if I wanted to redecorate my room, go out to eat, or take a vacation, that was what my money was for.)

I too was working part-time, because I was trying to break into a very exclusive industry, which turned out to be much more difficult than I had expected. Eventually I decided that living independently under my own house rules was preferable to getting my dream job. I got a more boring but better-paying job in another state and moved out. My parents were initially very unhappy because that was not the done thing in our community.

Anecdotally, my relationship with my parents, especially my mother, improved 1000% once I wasn't living with them.
Back to top

amother
Springgreen


 

Post Sun, May 21 2023, 8:31 am
She should not have to contribute financially to the family, but she should be paying for own clothing and entertainment.
And should definitely be helping around the house with cooking and or cleaning
Back to top

Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, May 21 2023, 8:42 am
I have a single DD living at home (24). I don't need/want her contributing to the family finances but it's about developing herself as a person - and there's work to be done at every stage in life..... My daughter works hard and is saving for her future, which is what I want her to do. If she was working part time and sitting around, I agree, that would be frustrating. (She does pay for her own car expenses, phone, and extra clothes that she wants (I treat her to something new for YT, or if I'm shopping at a sale with everyone, I pay for whatever she buys...))

For whatever reason, Hashem hasn't sent her basherte yet, and I'm glad that at least (I hope) she can use the time to save for a better future for herself. I hope that this time, being able to put money away, will enable her to buy a (perhaps more spacious) house, make her finances easier or more comfortable in the future. Because it's hard enough, otherwise, being single when your friends are on their 2nd child BAH.....In the future, when she is married and has kids, she may not be able to work as many hours, and she likely will not have the opportunity to save like she does now, so I'm glad she can utilize this time when she's single.....

That being said, she calls me almost every day on her way home to ask what she can pick up for me. She does shopping for me, she comes home and asks how she can help, and though I don't need a ton, I appreciate whatever she does, whether its peeling a dozen apples and chopping them for a stack of kugels, putting up cholent for Shabbos (that's her job. My other kids think I don't know how!), helping me with the menu and knocking things off it (she did 2 pans of blintzes for me one night and a cheesecake), or sweep/mop..... She also volunteers for multiple local Chessed organizations, driving, stocking hospital, etc.....My point is, she's helpful and productive, and this is beneficial to HER and her self-development.

OP, I think you and your DH should sit down and talk to your DD about being productive. Unless you guys are millionaires, why is she not putting in more hours to save for her future? How can she be more productive now? Because life isn't about sitting around.....(If she has all the money she needs, let her volunteer for the local Bikur Cholim or other Chessed organizations.)
Back to top

amother
Brown


 

Post Sun, May 21 2023, 11:44 am
I gave my parents a set sum every month, did my own laundry, cooked for Shabbos, cleaned my own room and did the same other household chores as I had done since HS. Of course I paid for my own phone, clothes and other expenses. At 25 I got my own place and, like a PP, got along much better with my parents.

When my dd was at the same stage of life, she was either a F/T student or had a very low-paying job so I didn't ask her to contribute money. She did her own laundry and cleaned her own room, and had the same Shabbat-prep chores she had since childhood.

OP, your dd is getting away with murder. A young adult should have more responsibilities than a kid in HS, not fewer, and she should also be contributing financially--not because you need the money but because she needs to learn fiscal responsibility, and it's only right that she pay her way. (If it bothers you to take money, put her contributions into a special account and surprise her with the proceeds when she leaves home.) Why isn't she looking for F/T work or going back to school to qualify for a better job?

Thumbs Up to Chayalle's post.
Back to top

amother
OP


 

Post Sun, May 21 2023, 1:07 pm
Op here:
Thank you everyone for the ideas!

I see there are different ideas about finances....we aren't millionaires, but we can certainly see areas that are more because she and other kids in their 20s (a couple of early 20s also live home, but are in school)

She often feels she doesn't need to do any more household chores than say her 15 year old sister. And it causes tension. With only working part time she's home a lot more than any other siblings! She doesn't help with cooking despite encouraging her too help. (Other siblings do!)

Please keep ideas coming! Thank you!
Back to top

amother
Tanzanite


 

Post Sun, May 21 2023, 1:18 pm
Is your daughter socially aware and "with it" ? Why isnt she working full time? She doesnt think to ask if you need help?

Im about her age and I got married at 25, I was living at home before that.
I didnt contribute financially to the house but I paid for my own gas, toll bill to get to my masters program, my own clothing makeup...
I cleaned my own room and bed, sometimes did my own laundry but usually the cleaning lady did it.
Back to top

amother
Firethorn


 

Post Sun, May 21 2023, 1:24 pm
I got married at 26. If my mother would've asked me to contribute to the rent I would've moved out. I helped alot with cooking and baking especially for Yom Tov. I paid all my personal expenses except Shabbos clothes which my grandmother bought. I actually paid all my own expenses since I was very young. I often would be flowers for Shabbos and other treats.
Back to top
Page 1 of 2 1  2  Next Recent Topics




Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

Related Topics Replies Last Post
Daughter was waitlisted at NJ high schools, what to do?
by amother
13 Today at 6:25 am View last post
Shana Rishona - living separately / 2 cities 16 Today at 1:49 am View last post
Looking to buy living room couch and chairs
by amother
15 Sat, Mar 23 2024, 11:53 am View last post
My 4 yo daughter is difficult to parent, any advice please?
by amother
15 Thu, Mar 21 2024, 9:13 pm View last post
An outlet that works on my daughter's strength
by amother
20 Thu, Mar 21 2024, 12:48 pm View last post