Thoughts on the words unspoken this week?

amother

Sun, May 21 2023, 8:09 pm

Curious to hear thoughts regarding the woman who feels her husband is falling apart due to therapy. In the Family First. I found it interesting... I feel for the woman but I also felt like there was more to the picture. For starters, why doesn't she communicate with her husband and try to get to the bottom of it? Say look, this therapy is really helping out... but what can we do in the interim? I can't function like this.

In addition, it's not really there therapists doing. The therapist is a guide but the client actually does the work. I don't think the therapist is advocating for the husband to shirk his responsibilities.

Thirdly, I wonder what their relationship is prior to this. Perhaps part of the problem is the wife and now he's starting to realize that things are not good and so he's starting to stand up for himself more.

amother

Papayawhip

Sun, May 21 2023, 8:24 pm

I felt for her. Therapy opened a whole mess of wounds for dh. It was a very difficult time. At times I felt like it would be best if he lived on his own for a while, while going through this. (Selfish I know. Was only in my thoughts) it was difficult to navigate the parenting and explaining and the protecting and being a shoulder to lean on.

What I'm trying to say is, sometimes therapy is necessary before dating and marriage. Once a spouse and kids are in the picture it's their lives that get affected in a big way. What does one tell the kids when dad is acting all weepy?

DreamerForever

Sun, May 21 2023, 8:48 pm

It was an interesting piece. Being in therapy myself, I relate to the husband and his preoccupation with his childhood and emotions. If I could speak to this woman, I would very much validate her desperation for her husband to 'be there', and her wish that he could somehow do this less intensely. Because it truly is so all encompassing.

I would also tell her that it's actually great that her husband is throwing himself into this. That the fact that he is really 'wallowing' in his pain is a good sign; and the process (the intense part) will take quicker because he is not fighting it.

I would tell her that the wait is so worth it. And that her patience and support -(at least some of the time)- would be huge for her husband, and for their relationship.

The line '...while he luxuriates in “finding his truth” and reliving his childhood.' irked me though.

I can see how it could look that way to others; but in fact inner work can be so difficult and painful that it can hardly be called 'luxuriating'.
In fact I will often do a million other boring and tedious household tasks to distract myself from inner pain-- instead of facing it.

So to end off my imaginary talk with her; I would tell her to please understand and respect how hard this is for him, and how brave he is for facing his vulnerabilities week in and week out.

But I definitely understand her frustration.

amother

Wandflower

Sun, May 21 2023, 10:24 pm

I totally agree with the letter. Because my husband went to therapy and "found his truth" it has disrupted my entire life and our entire family. Our marriage is destroyed. We have spent tens of thousands over a few years on marriage therapy. I am now in individual therapy to deal with his bombshell. Thousands and thousands more spent. I was happy before all this. Now I am a cranky, stressed out, traumatized mess. And my husband doesn't care. Because he "found his truth" and I am apparently (in his mind) too selfish to care about him and his feelings. Except that I do care- I just need to be able to function and take care of my life and our family too. I can't dance around his every whim and desire. I can't just let him "find himself" when he has kids to take care of. And who cares about me and my needs. Crying

Ironic thing is I am pro- therapy and am actually a licensed therapist myself. But his therapist only has him vent and focus on his own issues and doesn't work to see how it impacts the rest of us. A therapist should work on helping their client but in the broader picture too. I work with clients to help them be happy and fulfilled in all areas including relationships.

amother

Sun, May 21 2023, 10:35 pm

amother Wandflower wrote:

so what do you suggest?

Obviously he wasn't happy previously otherwise he wouldn't go searching. Should he keep being miserable to hold the family together?

I'm sorry I really feel for you. But I think a part of this happens because the person really is stuck prior to this and we don't figure these things out prior to marriage because we're told to just get married and figure it out later. But then when he tries to find how he can actually live a life that is meaningful to him, then he already has a family and it's hard.

I say all this as a woman in therapy and I know it's hard on my husband. But I think it's for all of our benefit. Who's going to benefit if I just keep the status quo and go about my life living with insane anxiety??

Yes, it's a hard messy process but I think it's better then people living lives that are painful and anxious/ depressed etc.

The question is how it can be made easier for the partner. I don't think the spouse needs to shoulder the burden. I think there needs to be communication between the 2 what exactly is happening and how both can take responsibility.

I do think, in some cases one spouse was carrying a way too heavy burden and then when they go to therapy they stop putting up with that, and then the spouse complains that things are falling apart... because they were happy carrying less than their share. So it's hard to know when objectively it is actually a healthier situation.

amother

Sun, May 21 2023, 10:39 pm

I guess my question to amother wandflower and others who feel like this: How was your marriage previously? Was your husband happy?

My husband would probably say his life was easier too before I started unpacking and doing inner work. Because I was basically just taking on most of the burden and I was just there to make him happy. But now I see that I have my own purpose and meaning in this world, aside for my husband and that shifts dynamics. And yes it feels uncomfortable for him, but why should he just get to stay with the status quo if that was very painful for me? Both our realities matter. I guess that's the bottom line spouses need to figure out how to make room for both of their realities.

amother

Catmint

Sun, May 21 2023, 11:25 pm

What would I suggest? That once every month or two, depending on how often the sessions are that there is a session including the wife. It's still his session m, but the wife talks about what she is seeing. It's good for the actual client because then the therapist gets a picture of either what is actually happening at home that the client isn't seeing or how the spouse is perceiving things and reacting to them.

Sometimes a marriage can be pretty good, and the work isn't about that, but the spouse in therapy is withdrawing, not smiling at his kids when they show him projects or singing at the table, etc. Realistically, if this stage is necessary to the process, someone needs to be talking the spouse through it, and possibly the kids too if they are older. Otherwise there is too much confusion and a feeling of abandonment, and the spouse feeling that they are carrying the whole household on their own and having no support for it. That letter should be the opening of a conversation that includes the therapist, client and spouse so that everyone gets some information, perspective, and help.

amother

Wandflower

Mon, May 22 2023, 1:58 am

amother OP wrote:

I wish he would switch his therapist to one that is proactive and has a clear future focused modality like solution focused or CBT. Not like his therapist who let's him just vent. Someone who can see the whole picture that he won't be happy in the end if his marriage doesn't last and he ruins his relationship with his kids.
I get that he needed to heal some things but he has to look at the big picture too. He also needs to not shirk his own responsibilities. There has to be a balance.

amother

Clover

Mon, May 22 2023, 2:00 am

amother OP wrote:

It was your third point for me. While in therapy I came to painful realizations about my marriage and my parents. Must have looked awful on the outside but this crisis was necessary.

amother

Clover

Mon, May 22 2023, 2:05 am

amother OP wrote:

Same

amother

Clover

Mon, May 22 2023, 2:08 am

amother Obsidian wrote:

Amother wandflower was there no option of him changing therapist?
As a therapist did you think this was unnecessary?

My husband was in therapy for years which added to my trauma but it was more about his therapist being incompetent yet he wouldn't change despite being in a worse place than when he started.

I did talk therapy individual, in group and somatic experience.
They are all so different. I like SE because for me it was one thing per session. I could work on smth without going into the whole childhood thing.
Group therapy is the best for starting to see the positive in your life. It puts own life in perspective.
Individual was the most painful therapy for me. It’s like surgery.

amother

Mistyrose

Mon, May 22 2023, 2:34 am

amother Wandflower wrote:

I came to say this. I don't see constantly raking up the past and dwelling on it is always healthy. I found for myself focusing on moving forwards and solving what I was struggling with worked better. I can't go back and undo years of emotional abuse, and focusing on it too much just left me in pieces and unable to move on. When I switched to more practical, I did a lot better.