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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Toddlers
Scared theyll be traumatized
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amother
Burgundy


 

Post Wed, May 24 2023, 7:38 am
amother OP wrote:
Do you go to the hospital on your own? I assume you have big kids who can watch the little ones? But I don't so I need to send them out for a bit


No, I actually arrange for a babysitter to be with them at home while I'm giving birth. But if I couldn't, I would just send them to someone very familiar until the baby is born. At that point my dh goes home and takes over, with help as needed and as available. If he has to miss some work or minyan in the couple of weeks after I give birth, that's life. I would not sacrifice my kids emotional health to prevent that.
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amother
DarkMagenta


 

Post Wed, May 24 2023, 7:45 am
Buy the book the kiss box.
Then buy a cute little bag or container and tell them it’s full of kisses for whenever they need.
This helped some of my kids a lot.
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amother
Dandelion


 

Post Wed, May 24 2023, 7:50 am
An average 3 year old (& of course at 5) should understand when you prepare them for the stay. Treat him like a big kid- talk about it alot, & of course talk on the phone. Walk them through what to expect. I would be way more concerned for a younger toddler but your kids will be fine!
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watergirl




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 24 2023, 8:09 am
amother OP wrote:
Do you go to the hospital on your own? I assume you have big kids who can watch the little ones? But I don't so I need to send them out for a bit

This is extremely community specific. A lot of us, maybe even the majority, do not send our kids out while we give birth. Our husband stays with them aside from the actual labor and delivery. During that time, they have a babysitter. When we come home from the hospital, our kids are home as well.

Do what works for you obviously, but if you’re really concerned that your children will be traumatized, don’t be afraid to go against community norms and expectations.
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amother
Obsidian


 

Post Wed, May 24 2023, 8:32 am
Your gut is telling you this plan is wrong. Listen to your gut. Tell them now, read them books about a new baby and being big brothers. I think sending them away for a week is traumatic so I would avoid that but if you must then stay in touch with them.
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amother
Catmint


 

Post Wed, May 24 2023, 8:37 am
Sending a five and three year old to loving family is not supposed to be traumatic, if you do it the right way. Granted, I wouldn’t do it if I could help it, but if that’s what she needs for her recovery we can help her come up with a good plan. Number one is prepping them in a calm, loving and happy way.
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mfb




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 24 2023, 8:38 am
Never had kids be traumatized by being away for a few days. As long as they’re going to loving family it will be good iy”h
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amother
Papaya


 

Post Wed, May 24 2023, 8:40 am
amother Burgundy wrote:
No, I actually arrange for a babysitter to be with them at home while I'm giving birth. But if I couldn't, I would just send them to someone very familiar until the baby is born. At that point my dh goes home and takes over, with help as needed and as available. If he has to miss some work or minyan in the couple of weeks after I give birth, that's life. I would not sacrifice my kids emotional health to prevent that.


I hope you realize that most men can't just miss a couple of weeks of work after the birth of a baby. Consider yourself lucky that your husband is able to do this, at the same time, you need to realize that most can't.
We have some neighbors that send away their kids when they have a baby, and some that don't. The one's that come home to their kids, their recovery takes way way way longer, can't be compared. And their kids end up being a bit neglected and not well taken care of because they don't have the energy to do so. They don't get proper food because no one is there to cook for them. Most people I see, don't have a sitter for their kids. Their husbands aren't home all day either. The 8 year old is the "babysitter." A women that just gave birth is supposed to be in bed all day and take care of only the baby. That is not possible to do when all other kids are home, especially toddlers and young kids. It is so emotionally and physically draining & isn't necessarily better for the kids.
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amother
Papaya


 

Post Wed, May 24 2023, 8:44 am
mfb wrote:
Never had kids be traumatized by being away for a few days. As long as they’re going to loving family it will be good iy”h


This. They're traumatized if the mother makes sure to traumatize them. It's the mothers attitude.
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amother
Burgundy


 

Post Wed, May 24 2023, 8:51 am
amother Papaya wrote:
I hope you realize that most men can't just miss a couple of weeks of work after the birth of a baby. Consider yourself lucky that your husband is able to do this, at the same time, you need to realize that most can't.
We have some neighbors that send away their kids when they have a baby, and some that don't. The one's that come home to their kids, their recovery takes way way way longer, can't be compared. And their kids end up being a bit neglected and not well taken care of because they don't have the energy to do so. They don't get proper food because no one is there to cook for them. Most people I see, don't have a sitter for their kids. Their husbands aren't home all day either. The 8 year old is the "babysitter." A women that just gave birth is supposed to be in bed all day and take care of only the baby. That is not possible to do when all other kids are home, especially toddlers and young kids. It is so emotionally and physically draining & isn't necessarily better for the kids.


He misses SOME work over a couple of weeks. Like, the day after I give birth. And maybe he has to go late or leave early, to get the kids out in the morning etc. BH we have meal trains where I live, and my dh is very capable too. He managed everything from laundry to cleaning up to preparing lunches to baths etc. I've never had an issue with feeling like I need to take care of anything besides me and the baby. But the kids can certainly come into my room and schmooze with me and get hugs and kisses.
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amother
DarkPurple


 

Post Wed, May 24 2023, 8:52 am
amother Papaya wrote:
I hope you realize that most men can't just miss a couple of weeks of work after the birth of a baby. Consider yourself lucky that your husband is able to do this, at the same time, you need to realize that most can't.
We have some neighbors that send away their kids when they have a baby, and some that don't. The one's that come home to their kids, their recovery takes way way way longer, can't be compared. And their kids end up being a bit neglected and not well taken care of because they don't have the energy to do so. They don't get proper food because no one is there to cook for them. Most people I see, don't have a sitter for their kids. Their husbands aren't home all day either. The 8 year old is the "babysitter." A women that just gave birth is supposed to be in bed all day and take care of only the baby. That is not possible to do when all other kids are home, especially toddlers and young kids. It is so emotionally and physically draining & isn't necessarily better for the kids.


I think she was saying that her husband would miss a little work here and there for a few weeks. Not take off completely for a few weeks.
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imaima




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 24 2023, 9:27 am
mfb wrote:
Never had kids be traumatized by being away for a few days. As long as they’re going to loving family it will be good iy”h


There has to be a proper preparation
Not stam sending to someone
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amother
Papayawhip


 

Post Wed, May 24 2023, 9:48 am
amother Papaya wrote:
I hope you realize that most men can't just miss a couple of weeks of work after the birth of a baby. Consider yourself lucky that your husband is able to do this, at the same time, you need to realize that most can't.
We have some neighbors that send away their kids when they have a baby, and some that don't. The one's that come home to their kids, their recovery takes way way way longer, can't be compared. And their kids end up being a bit neglected and not well taken care of because they don't have the energy to do so. They don't get proper food because no one is there to cook for them. Most people I see, don't have a sitter for their kids. Their husbands aren't home all day either. The 8 year old is the "babysitter." A women that just gave birth is supposed to be in bed all day and take care of only the baby. That is not possible to do when all other kids are home, especially toddlers and young kids. It is so emotionally and physically draining & isn't necessarily better for the kids.

They can get proper food (if no meal trains) by their husband prepping food or buying take out. Yes, even if the husbands are working. Ime, when men need to, they can and do, step up to the plate. Fancy food isn't necessary, basic chicken and sides etc is within anyone's repertoire if they really care to figure it out. Even a working all day man can prep a pan of chicken the night before, pick up frozen soup from a store, cut up some vegetables so there will be decent and nourishing food the next day for his wife and kids.
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amother
Mustard


 

Post Wed, May 24 2023, 9:50 am
amother Burgundy wrote:
He misses SOME work over a couple of weeks. Like, the day after I give birth. And maybe he has to go late or leave early, to get the kids out in the morning etc. BH we have meal trains where I live, and my dh is very capable too. He managed everything from laundry to cleaning up to preparing lunches to baths etc. I've never had an issue with feeling like I need to take care of anything besides me and the baby. But the kids can certainly come into my room and schmooze with me and get hugs and kisses.


Some will rely on their husbands and some will rely on kind sisters and sisters in law.
One way isn't more valid than another.
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amother
Papayawhip


 

Post Wed, May 24 2023, 9:51 am
amother Mustard wrote:
Some will rely on their husbands and some will rely on kind sisters and sisters in law.
One way isn't more valid than another.

But if one's child will do better at home emotionally it's not equally valid.
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amother
Mustard


 

Post Wed, May 24 2023, 9:52 am
Personally I think my kids would feel safer at a family member's house than a strange babysitter in my house.
And I don't see move in trustworthy babysitters being so easily available around me.

Just something to consider for all those aghast that someone would send away rather than take a babysitter in their home.
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flowerpower




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 24 2023, 9:52 am
amother Papaya wrote:
This. They're traumatized if the mother makes sure to traumatize them. It's the mothers attitude.


Yups. My younger kids go away for 10 days-2 weeks and they come home very happy and not traumatized at all. It’s community dependent as posters have said. It takes a village to raise a child and doing so when giving birth is part of it. I’m beyond grateful to belong to such a community!!


Last edited by flowerpower on Wed, May 24 2023, 9:53 am; edited 1 time in total
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amother
Mustard


 

Post Wed, May 24 2023, 9:52 am
amother Papayawhip wrote:
But if one's child will do better at home emotionally it's not equally valid.


Well you have no idea. Only the op knows.
Everyone needs to know their own child and do what's best.
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amother
Papayawhip


 

Post Wed, May 24 2023, 9:56 am
amother Mustard wrote:
Personally I think my kids would feel safer at a family member's house than a strange babysitter in my house.
And I don't see move in trustworthy babysitters being so easily available around me.

Just something to consider for all those aghast that someone would send away rather than take a babysitter in their home.

A husband is not a babysitter....
And older toddlers or preschoolers usually spend most of the day in school or playgroup anyway. So, except for early mornings and late afternoon/evening they aren't at home anyway. A babysitter coming for a couple of hours when mom is resting and nearby is not going to traumatize them. And their father will be home in the evening. And they get to sleep in their own bed and know their parents are there.
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amother
Burgundy


 

Post Wed, May 24 2023, 9:58 am
amother Mustard wrote:
Well you have no idea. Only the op knows.
Everyone needs to know their own child and do what's best.


And she started a thread entitied "scared they'll be traumatized." If she knows her kids and is scared they'll be traumatized, why are people convinced that they won't?
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