Scared theyll be traumatized

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Toddlers

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amother

Mustard

Wed, May 24 2023, 10:00 am

flowerpower wrote:

Yups. My younger kids go away for 10 days-2 weeks and they come home very happy and not traumatized at all. It’s community dependent as posters have said. It takes a village to raise a child and doing so when giving birth is part of it. I’m beyond grateful to belong to such a community!!

I grew up this way, Mom had 12 kids. I'm almost 40 and don't feel any trauma from being sent away LOL

.

I'm pretty sure my mother didn't prepare me either when I was a toddler but that part I feel is important to do (even though, again, no trauma for me!).

When I had my oldest few they went to grandparents for 2 weeks (they're now teens).
I wouldn't do that now but my kids are fine.

Like I said earlier in the thread I'm pregnant now and have a 2.5 year old. We are talking about this constantly. She is only gonna be going out for the 2 days I'm in the hospital. But I'm lucky that I don't have a busy household and a dh that works from home.

I can understand that many people don't have the liberty to do that.

amother

Wed, May 24 2023, 10:03 am

amother Papayawhip wrote:

But if one's child will do better at home emotionally it's not equally valid.

I would never trust a strange babysitter in my home. Ive only taken babysitters for when they were sleeping and they had no idea. The babysitter also didnt sleep over
BH I have family whos more than happy to take them in and my kids know her kids

amother

Papaya

Wed, May 24 2023, 10:06 am

amother OP wrote:

You're doing well, don't feel bad! Just make sure not to give over your anxiety to your children. Make it a happy occasion.

amother

Mustard

Wed, May 24 2023, 10:07 am

amother OP wrote:

Yeah I don't understand this flippant attitude of just take a babysitter rather than send to a family member.

Listen op, do what you need to do but do it in a way that will be the most pleasant for them.

Correct me if I'm wrong but I think you meant to use "traumatized " in a bit of a hyperbolic way. Not that you actually feel your kids will be traumatized.
More of a "I'm freaking out about this, how can I make it the most fun for them" kind of way.
At least that was my interpretation.

So if that's the case, the way to make it most pleasant is to prepare them. And fun toys always sweeten the deal. And for sure don't cut contact.

amother

Papaya

Wed, May 24 2023, 10:07 am

amother Burgundy wrote:

And she started a thread entitied "scared they'll be traumatized." If she knows her kids and is scared they'll be traumatized, why are people convinced that they won't?

It's her own fear and anxiety. The kids will be traumatized if mom makes in traumatic for them. If mom makes it exciting like a treat, they will be fine ih.

amother

Papaya

Wed, May 24 2023, 10:10 am

amother Papayawhip wrote:

A husband is not a babysitter....
And older toddlers or preschoolers usually spend most of the day in school or playgroup anyway. So, except for early mornings and late afternoon/evening they aren't at home anyway. A babysitter coming for a couple of hours when mom is resting and nearby is not going to traumatize them. And their father will be home in the evening. And they get to sleep in their own bed and know their parents are there.

I can't see my kids cooperating with a babysitter while I'm home. I can just imagine the chaos and banging on my door.

amother

Wed, May 24 2023, 10:18 am

amother OP wrote:

Well what do you know! A mother of someone in his class had a baby so they spoke about it and it sounds like he told his teacher (couldn't get the story straight) that his mommy is also having a baby! So we had a little conversation about what happens when mommy has a baby and where mommy goes.... Lol!

I don't know if he really knew or he just wanted to be included in the attention the other kid was getting....

Not sure if anyone saw this post of mine from last night but he knows I just didnt tell him everything yet. I want to build it up.
My little one doesnt know anything yet

amother

Mustard

Wed, May 24 2023, 10:21 am

amother OP wrote:

Not sure if anyone saw this post of mine from last night but he knows I just didnt tell him everything yet. I want to build it up.
My little one doesnt know anything yet

Yes I saw and that's a great conversation starter!

Out of curiosity, are you carrying very small? They don't notice your huge belly?

amother

Ginger

Wed, May 24 2023, 10:22 am

amother OP wrote:

Not sure if anyone saw this post of mine from last night but he knows I just didnt tell him everything yet. I want to build it up.
My little one doesnt know anything yet

Unless the big one told him.

amother

Catmint

Wed, May 24 2023, 10:23 am

amother OP wrote:

Not sure if anyone saw this post of mine from last night but he knows I just didnt tell him everything yet. I want to build it up.
My little one doesnt know anything yet

You’re doing great. I do basically the same with my kids. A month or two before I start talking about a new baby in a general way, and a couple weeks before my due date I tell them what will happen when we have a new baby. In my community no one tells the kids that there’s a new baby coming, so I have to be careful about how I do it, since it would be very weird if my kids went around telling neighbors that their mother is having a baby. (If you’re not from a similar community you won’t understand this, so please refrain from judging.)

they will be fine iyH. If you want to buy a cute suitcase and some toys that’s adorable, it’ll make them so happy. I like to buy a bag of candy in blue/pink and let them hand it out to their friends in honor of their new sibling. It makes them feel so special. Let them know that they can talk to you on the phone at xyz time every day, and they will come back home after a few days.

amother

Wed, May 24 2023, 10:24 am

amother Mustard wrote:

Yes I saw and that's a great conversation starter!

Out of curiosity, are you carrying very small? They don't notice your huge belly?

Im actually bigger than I was by my other kids! It happens so gradually they dont chap. My 8 year old bil thought I just gained weight...

amother

Apple

Wed, May 24 2023, 10:30 am

amother OP wrote:

Ignore the haters. You do what works for you.

Because some stay home with the kids doesn't mean that it is best for you.

I don't why this thread is about mocking op and her decision to tell them 3 weeks before.

amother

NeonPink

Wed, May 24 2023, 10:39 am

amother Papaya wrote:

I hope you realize that most men can't just miss a couple of weeks of work after the birth of a baby. Consider yourself lucky that your husband is able to do this, at the same time, you need to realize that most can't.
We have some neighbors that send away their kids when they have a baby, and some that don't. The one's that come home to their kids, their recovery takes way way way longer, can't be compared. And their kids end up being a bit neglected and not well taken care of because they don't have the energy to do so. They don't get proper food because no one is there to cook for them. Most people I see, don't have a sitter for their kids. Their husbands aren't home all day either. The 8 year old is the "babysitter." A women that just gave birth is supposed to be in bed all day and take care of only the baby. That is not possible to do when all other kids are home, especially toddlers and young kids. It is so emotionally and physically draining & isn't necessarily better for the kids.

Oh please. You clearly have an agenda.

I and most of my family and friends keep our kids home, and we recover very well BH!! Our kids are not neglected and they are well taken care of. I never felt a need to be in bed all day, nor would I want to. No reason why I can't sit on the couch and read to my toddler.

Sometimes I wonder if certain groups have so much less energy that they have to rest all day and send their kids away for two weeks.

Of course we try to take it easier than usual. In most situations, the kids are out during the day, which is when the mother gets some rest. Some people take meals, and some have meals frozen ahead. I prepare a lot in the freezer and it really doesn't take much to put a pan in the oven or to put up some pasta. We take extra cleaning help, and the laundry doesn't always get folded in the first couple of weeks.

But everyone is eating all their meals, wearing clean clothes, and getting lots of love and stability.

amother

Papaya

Wed, May 24 2023, 10:45 am

amother NeonPink wrote:

No agenda besides for sharing my observation from those around me. There's no extra cleaning help & the 3rd & 4th graders are babysitting little kids all afternoon.
"Certain groups" don't have less energy. "Certain groups" know that a woman post birth is a choleh and needs to be taken care of well after birth. "Certain groups" are not martyrs and know how to take care of themselves and know that their kids will be just fine staying with family & they don't fall apart over the thought of doing that. Those "certain groups" end up having an easier and quicker recovery and have more energy in the long run to care for their children. A women post birth is supposed to rest and care for her baby postpartum and that's it. There's nothing weak about admitting that and I don't admire the woman that go home straight from the hospital to a house full of kids.
There's a time and place for everything.

scintilla

Wed, May 24 2023, 10:57 am

And another thread is totally derailed by people arguing back and forth in circles, with only a tangential connection to the OP.

Y'all sound like this https://m.xkcd.com/386/ Can't Believe It

amother

Wed, May 24 2023, 11:05 am

amother Catmint wrote:

He doesnt realize mommy carrys the baby he just thinks Mommy and totty go and pick one so he has to go to someone elses house to watch him till Mommy comes back. He already chose the gender Laugh

amother

Mustard

Wed, May 24 2023, 11:10 am

scintilla wrote:

And another thread is totally derailed by people arguing back and forth in circles, with only a tangential connection to the OP.

Y'all sound like this https://m.xkcd.com/386/ Can't Believe It

Haha!

Yeah, can we stick to giving op tips on how to make this transition easier for her kids?
Although I think this thread has run its course and I'm sure op you can pick out the useful advice.
Bshaa tovah!

amother

NeonPink

Wed, May 24 2023, 11:15 am

amother OP wrote:

People don't take a strange babysitter for a week lol. the ones who said babysitter were referring to having a single teenage aunt or neighbor high schooler come babysit for a few hours during the night while they are giving birth. When it's during the day, I have the kids go to my parents.

After the birth, the husband will usually stay with wife and new baby for a bit and then go home to the kids and come back to the hospital when the kids are in school/playgroup. So the kids are still having their regular routine with the exception of the time during the actual labor and delivery.

Of course everyone is free to do what they want, but wanted to clarify that misinformation.

amother

Wed, May 24 2023, 11:18 am

Thanks everyone!

amother

Burgundy

Wed, May 24 2023, 11:18 am

amother Papaya wrote:

It's her own fear and anxiety. The kids will be traumatized if mom makes in traumatic for them. If mom makes it exciting like a treat, they will be fine ih.

This is an interesting concept, the ability to control your kids emotions. Of course they pick up on their parents emotions. But they are also humans with their own emotions, independent of their parents. It's hypocritical to say that a mother knows her kids best and knows if they will be traumatized, and then to also say that the only way they'll be traumatized is if mom makes it traumatic for them.

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