WWYD? Son and off shabbos

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

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amother

Wed, May 24 2023, 7:33 am

My DS is in 9th grade, first year away from home. His yeshiva is in a city where we have a lot of family (grandparents, my siblings, cousins, etc) DS has a good relationship with them, but the closet cousin to his age is 9 years younger than him...

Whenever we go to visit for a shabbos, he prefers to stay in yeshiva and we see him for a few minutes either before or after Shabbos. He never leaves yeshiva to go to family. He has an off shabbos coming up and the tickets are SO expensive. In general, we have no problem bringing him home, but he was just here for Pesach and will be here soon iyH for the summer. We would like him to go to family for this one particular Shabbos and he really really doesn't want to. I understand his perspective- he will be bored, he probably won't have as much freedom to come and go as he pleases as if he were home or in yeshiva. But it's also not like he misses home and us and wants to come...he has made it pretty clear that he would rather just stay put in yeshiva if he can, but since he can't, we are the default. And I'm not sure that default reason warrants spending $450 for a plane ticket.

I also know that if we "force" him to stay with family, he won't be enjoyable company I mean he will try to be a mentsch but he will be annoyed that he has to be there. Staying with a local friend is not an option because the local guys all have sisters.

What are your thoughts, fellow imas?

amother

Butterscotch

Wed, May 24 2023, 7:48 am

If it was a week, maybe.
For just Shabbos and the problem is literally boredom, send him a new book and let him go to family. I'm sure there are some local boys he can meet up over Shabbos to shmooze with even if he can't stay with them.

singleagain

Wed, May 24 2023, 7:52 am

Can he sleep and do Friday night by family then go to a local friend for lunch and to hang out in the afternoon... Or can the local friend come to the family for lunch if sisters are the problem?

amother

Pansy

Wed, May 24 2023, 7:52 am

amother OP wrote:

BTDT he should deal with it for one shabbos.
I wouldn’t pay to bring him in.
Davka because you say he doesn’t miss you.
If he missed home I would. If he doesn’t, he can stay in town with family. Maybe he could brkng a classmate along with him to the relatives for company.

ShishKabob

Wed, May 24 2023, 7:55 am

amother Pansy wrote:

this. No reason he can’t make it work for one Shabbos. It will be a learning experience for the future to make the best of things. If he wants it that bad he can shell out the money for the ticket.

amother

Apricot

Wed, May 24 2023, 8:01 am

Can he go to grandparents instead of aunt and uncle with small children. Let him go there and read/sleep. He will need to be polite but not engaged as I assume there are no children there and your parents will understand.

naomi2

Wed, May 24 2023, 8:29 am

He should bring a friend with him to your relatives house

amother

Cappuccino

Wed, May 24 2023, 8:31 am

Not sure how old your ds is but I turned 14 in ninth grade. It's still quite young. He hasn't been home in six weeks. How long is it until school ends? I know it may seem normal within your community for boys to go away, but they still need to know that they have a loving family and safe house to return to. If a fourteen year old misses his family or even the comfort of his bedroom, he might not tell you if he's trying to act tough and like a grown up.

If you can actually afford it, bite the bullet and pay the money. He's still so young. Do you miss him? Wouldn't you feel happy to see him in your house again, even just for a Shabbos? He probably would. I think if I were that age and my parents declined to take me home when everyone else's family did, I'd feel hurt and embarrassed, like my family doesn't want me.

Chayalle

Wed, May 24 2023, 8:37 am

It sounds like your son needs to learn how to manage his own boredom, how to be with family even when it's not super-entertaining.
I have a nephew your son's age who is in Yeshiva near me, and he has to be there for certain Yomim Tovim. He was with us for RH, and will be with us for Shavuos. We do not have sons at all. He manages, he knows where the books are, and we make him as comfortable as we can. He's polite and pleasant, a good guest. For RH, he was with us for 3 meals, and one meal with my father and my father's wife (they also live in the vicinity but are in Israel now), and he managed to be a pleasant guest there too.

amother

Maize

Wed, May 24 2023, 8:38 am

amother Cappuccino wrote:

Agree
It is an investment in his future and in your relationship

amother

Stoneblue

Wed, May 24 2023, 8:47 am

Maybe he’s saying the word bored but he really means he’ll feel uncomfortable- sounds like he really doesn’t like to go there as he doesn’t even go when you are there. I agree with above posters it will really make him him speacial/ cherished if you bring him home & tell him you missed him so much. From pesach till the summer is very long for a young teen.

amother

Petunia

Wed, May 24 2023, 8:58 am

Nah my brothers often didn’t come home for just an off shabbos. They figured it out. Even if he can’t stay by a friend he can still make plans together with them.

450 is a lot of money you can use a fraction of that to bribe him with a new mp3 player or food or whatever.

amother

Oxfordblue

Wed, May 24 2023, 10:18 am

Can he go to a friend in his yeshiva that lives local for shabbos?

amother

DarkViolet

Wed, May 24 2023, 10:25 am

amother Petunia wrote:

Were your brothers high school age or beis medrash? OP's son is in 9th grade. He is so so young. IMO a 14 year old shouldn't have to to be figuring out his shabbos plans. If OP can afford to bring him home I think she should.

amother

Petunia

Wed, May 24 2023, 11:02 am

amother DarkViolet wrote:

I'm talking about 9th grade. They went to a mesivta with lots of out of towners and not everyone went home.

Bais medrash is different because the boys drive at that point so they can rent a car and go wherever.

amother

Wed, May 24 2023, 1:07 pm

My son is in 9th grade, just turned 15. He might be the only out of towner would not be going home for that off shabbos. I. really torn...I am really so happy to bring him home, but things are so tight right now that it's forcing me to look at this with logic instead of just emotion. Is it really the worst thing to have to have him stay with family? Should I just discuss it with him and tell him the facts? Or will he he just feel guilty? Aaahhh help

singleagain

Wed, May 24 2023, 1:10 pm

amother OP wrote:

It might be beneficial for him at this age to be pushed out of his comfort box a little bit.

No it's not quite the same thing but my dad wants made me call blockbuster to see if they had a video instead of driving all the way to the store if it wasn't there.. I now know that the blockbuster store was maybe 5 minutes from my house, but my dad was trying to teach me a lesson to you know talk on the phone when I had this huge phobia of it.

I think it might be worth discussing with him and trying to see if he can help come up with another way. This is the age I think to start making sure that your kids get pushed out of the box. Otherwise They might end up boxed in to a life of being unable to push themselves.

amother

Aster

Wed, May 24 2023, 1:18 pm

Maybe he has a friend who would invite him for Shabbos.

I'm more familiar with Bais Medrash, where most of the boys who live far away will go to a friend for Shabbos rather then expensive tickets home each time.

amother

Pansy

Wed, May 24 2023, 1:33 pm

amother OP wrote:

I literally have the same age and the same situation. My son is terribly homesick so we invested a ton of money into reconnecting with him every 4-6 weeks. However he did have 2 month stretches without family too. He will be coming home but for almost a week and not just shabbes. His mashgiach let him, in his particular case.

If your son isn’t homesick but just doesn’t want to be bored, he can go to a friend, bring along a friend to your family or find another solution for boredom.

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