Do kids get a say re:guests

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Forum -> Relationships -> Guests

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amother

Sun, May 28 2023, 4:01 am

Do adult kids get a say as to whom to invite?
What if the guest would be sleeping in another room but close to kids rooms and need to share a bathroom?

amother

Turquoise

Sun, May 28 2023, 4:05 am

I think it's good to take your children's preferences into account, but sometimes you need to override them. Sorry that's not helpful, but it's really case by case.

It's worth finding out if your kid simply doesn't like sharing, or has something particular against this guest.

I grew up hosting a lot and I host a lot now. But we bought a house with lots of guest space, so that our kids don't have to pay the price of our mitzvah.

amother

Honeydew

Sun, May 28 2023, 4:11 am

I would certainly listen to what my kid has to say and discuss is with them. If they have a valid concern either come up with a compromise (e.g., guest doesn't keep bathroom clean? Child can use parents bathroom instead) or not invite guest at all (guest is creepy) or override child (e.g., I don't ever want to share my bathroom!).

Definitely you don't want your child to resent your having guests, though there could be exceptions.

amother

Sun, May 28 2023, 7:59 am

We have a guest who doesn’t really get social ques much.
Very nice person highly intelligent but older and never married and I guess a bit lonely for company.
I havent have any of my personal friends sleep by us in a very long time. We’ve had relatives but not friends so this isn’t an everyday occurrence.
My 28 yr old son made such a scene over yom tov I was so embarrassed.
He ate and left the table without talking had a mad look on his face the whole yom tov. He was so mad I invited this guy.
After the guy leaves I know I am going to hear from my son that he had a horrible yom tov and it was all my fault for inviting this guy.

lamplighter

Sun, May 28 2023, 8:18 am

amother OP wrote:

A 28 year old is not a child he's a grown up and the only way this reaction would be considered appropriate was if this person inflicted harm or trauma on your son. That is not a normal reaction for a 28 year old.
I thought you were asking about preteens or something.

I am following the discussion however because I have a child who gets upset when they don't like the guests. I never have sleeping guests that are uncomfortable around, only eating guests sometimes and I took am not sure what the right thing is.

Rachel Gefen

Sun, May 28 2023, 8:18 am

amother OP wrote:

so nice of you to have this guest over!
your ds sounds as if he was a little rude...he's a big boy....
maybe this does need to be discussed beforehand but still, it is your house, he is old enough to move out.....

ShishKabob

Sun, May 28 2023, 8:24 am

I’m sorry to hear about your sons reaction. It’s not ok that he reacted like that. He should know better.
In this case, I don’t think he gets the right to have a say in it.

Iymnok

Sun, May 28 2023, 8:27 am

In such a situation, maybe offer him the option of eating out for a meal or two.

amother

Honeydew

Sun, May 28 2023, 8:31 am

amother OP wrote:

I'm sorry! Sounds like a very uncomfortable situation. But I think your son was way out of line unless either you invite this guy all the time (sounds like you don't) or your son was just visiting and doesn't live at home and wanted to have special time with you.

Cookin4days

Sun, May 28 2023, 8:33 am

Your son is acting like a child at 28 he can make his own eating arrangements and eat by a friend or shul

amother

Hunter

Sun, May 28 2023, 8:40 am

If our guests were making us feel uncomfortable, my parents had them less often (like the single socially off guy in his fifties who thought aloud of a shidduch for me when I was in HS! And it was in Target. I went out with that idea a few years later!!)

But we were teens and kids, not 28 yo.
I'd think a 28 yo would hear you're having a guest he didn't like and arrange to go away for YT.

I will also say that a family I know who were big machnisei orchim for all types of people to eat and sleep, including strangers and meshulochim, had a son who was molested by some guest

imasinger

Sun, May 28 2023, 8:43 am

OP, does your DS have other issues? And was he up learning, so that he had less tolerance?

I'd suggest giving him a few days, then asking for a discussion, when he's calm.

amother

Eggshell

Sun, May 28 2023, 8:51 am

Is there more to the story? My in laws often have someone like that over and I requested not to be there with him. He was socially clueless but crossed boundaries with my kids. (Held them on his lap without their consent, made many inappropriate comments to them, etc).
Is that the case here?

amother

Sand

Sun, May 28 2023, 9:21 am

there’s obviously a reason why he doesn’t want him. he may trigger him or be inappropriate. for all those saying the son could go away for yom tov. why chose this guy over a son. regardless of what age. if a married couple says we aren’t coming if this specific guy comes you wouldn’t tell them to stay home

Chayalle

Sun, May 28 2023, 10:24 am

I won't invite guests that make my own kids (and spouse!) uncomfortable or unhappy. For sure not for sleepover. My kids have a right to feel comfortable in their own home.

amother

Sun, May 28 2023, 12:53 pm

My son just doesn’t like when guests come to sleep.
I haven’t had a none relative sleep over in many years because I know he doesn’t like it but I think I am entitled to have someone come to my house at least once in several years.
My son feels differently. He feels I shouldn’t have anyone ever if he is home because he doesn’t like it because they need to share a bathroom.

giftedmom

Sun, May 28 2023, 12:56 pm

amother OP wrote:

Your son is an adult and he doesn’t get a say over what you do in your house. As others said he’s welcome to move out.

amother

Rainbow

Sun, May 28 2023, 1:01 pm

I only have little kids so I can’t quite relate to your situation, but we host kid guests very often and while I don’t give my kids as say, I do take their needs and wants into consideration, behind the scenes.
Quite heavily, in fact. I’m not looking for my kids to start resenting me for hosting. We take breaks from hosting when I feel like my kids need it, I won’t take a kid who I know will break my kids stuff or harm them in any way, etc.

zaq

Sun, May 28 2023, 1:09 pm

OP, your son needs some lessons in manners. Yes, household members should have input, but you and dh, as heads of the household, have the final say. Your ds does not have the right to ruin everyone else's YT because disapproves of your choice of guests. If he wants to have the final say, he's quite old enough to move out and live on his own.

If your ds objects only to this one guest and tolerates all others, though, there may be a reason. Have a serious talk with your ds. Maybe this person has molested him, or your ds gets vibes that he wants to. Obviously, if that's the case, you need to stop inviting this person. Otherwise, ds needs to grow up and learn to behave like a mensch even when he's not happy.

amother

Mocha

Sun, May 28 2023, 1:12 pm

Why doesn't he like when guests come to sleep? Honestly I don't think it's so common to have non related sleeping guests when there isn't an extra bathroom.

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