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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children
Your teen daughter and your baby
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, May 28 2023, 6:41 am
Just curious what the relationship between your teens and your baby is like . How much does your teen take care of the baby? How much do they love them hold them etc ?.

Trying to get a reality check and some input on my stepdaughters relationship with my baby..I dont have my own teens just this step daughter so I don't know what is normal teen behavior versus unhealthy. She lives with us full time and went through alot of traumas having to do with her own mother. So she definitely has some stuff going on. Anyway she is obsessed with the baby. Like actually obsessed. She hovers over him is forever grabbing him from me when she sees me wall out of my bedroom or rushing to hold him. When we go somewhere she grabs his stroller before I even have and pushes it like the baby is hers or she will disappear with him ahead even though I asked repeatedly not to run off with the baby. She will hold him and play with him for hours. And try to take him from me even when I say no thank you I am holding him now. I had to train her to ask can I please hold him versus just taking him( she is 16)

And even when I say no now I will hold him -she hovers over him stroking his hair or holding his hand like she literally can't be apart from him. What ends up happening is because he is in my arms she is basically hovering over me too and it's getting on my nerves. The only time she isn't into him is when she goes on her tablet and chats with friends etc.
The only time I get to have my own baby is when she isn't home ! She does have tons of friends and loves to socialize and she is out of the house with friends alot but she's also home alot and when she is it seems to me like her attachment to the baby is extreme but then again what do I know. Maybe all teens are like that and perhaps if it's your own teen by then the baby is usually number 8 or 9 and your glad for all the help.
But I want to raise my own baby and I feel like I don't get to have him as much as I want because I have to share him with her. I can't always say no you can't have him.

Also might sound crazy but because she truly loves him and spends so much time with him baby loves her too! And has no problem going to her versus to me. Like we are equals. And hello I'm the mother. It makes me so so resentful . I learned to be more firm when I say I am holding him now please give me back his stroller I am pushing him now. But she does push back....you held him all morning why can't I hold him now. And I answer because I am the mother and I am not in competition with you over who holds him more.

Obviously everything said with respect because everything is a dance trying to always be loving and kind to her at the same
Time..
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amother
Lightpink


 

Post Sun, May 28 2023, 6:46 am
My teens are boys, they think baby is cute, tickle and play for 3 minutes and then they are done.
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amother
Arcticblue


 

Post Sun, May 28 2023, 6:47 am
My oldest and youngest are 15 years apart. She is 12 years older than her next oldest sibling. Possibly because I’m the mother of all my kids- I would never have put up with this. She got to hold her plenty, but no one tried to take her from me while I was holding her. I nursed her, she was most comforted by me, and I also baby wore a lot. I would set some rules, and barring that, have your husband set them. You carried this baby for 9 months. There’s no competition.
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amother
Lightpink


 

Post Sun, May 28 2023, 6:48 am
Sounds like baby is therapeutic to her. All love no expectations!

I’d grab the opportunity for all the help this would offer me.

As long as baby is safe, who cares if she pushes the carriage way ahead?
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amother
Arcticblue


 

Post Sun, May 28 2023, 6:49 am
amother Lightpink wrote:
Sounds like baby is therapeutic to her. All love no expectations!

I’d grab the opportunity for all the help this would offer me.

As long as baby is safe, who cares if she pushes the carriage way ahead?


Disappearing with the baby despite being told not to is safe?
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amother
Lightpink


 

Post Sun, May 28 2023, 6:50 am
I had a neighbor, who had a girl then a 13 year break than two more children.
The little kids thought the big girl was their mom too. They were all biological.

It’s family dynamics. If you have teen and then baby.
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amother
Wine


 

Post Sun, May 28 2023, 6:51 am
Sounds like my 10 year old. I feel like she treats him like she would a puppy. Maybe you can buy her a pet?
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amother
Lightpink


 

Post Sun, May 28 2023, 6:52 am
amother Arcticblue wrote:
Disappearing with the baby despite being told not to is safe?


Disappearing?

A 16 year old is trusted to even go alone with baby on errands. Do we need eyes on 16 year old at all times?
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amother
Aquamarine


 

Post Sun, May 28 2023, 6:52 am
I had a few siblings born when I was a teen and I was very obsessed with them. I tried to always take care do them. Looking back it probably bothered my mother. But my friends who had baby siblings then were the same way too, so I think it’s normal. Probably harder to establish boundaries with a step child.
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amother
Lightpink


 

Post Sun, May 28 2023, 6:55 am
Set some boundaries

When I hold the baby or am playing/interacting with him-you watch. If I need help I’ll ask
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amother
Lightpink


 

Post Sun, May 28 2023, 6:55 am
How old baby?
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amother
Chartreuse


 

Post Sun, May 28 2023, 6:56 am
I would set some rules and otherwise be glad for the help. For example, she needs to ask before taking the baby, she's not allowed to disappear with him, etc. You're responsible for the well being and safety of this baby, he's not just a toy. At the same time it sounds like a good bonding experience for her and it could be very helpful as the months and years go on and you need more help. So some predictable limits are needed to keep things manageable.
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amother
Anemone


 

Post Sun, May 28 2023, 6:56 am
I have my two girls 16 years apart they are inseparable. My kids beck to her demands their life revolves around her. They hate when she naps and they greet her verses me after school.
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amother
Arcticblue


 

Post Sun, May 28 2023, 6:57 am
amother Lightpink wrote:
Disappearing?

A 16 year old is trusted to even go alone with baby on errands. Do we need eyes on 16 year old at all times?


Quoted from the OP: “When we go somewhere she grabs his stroller before I even have and pushes it like the baby is hers or she will disappear with him ahead even though I asked repeatedly not to run off with the baby.”

I have a 16 year old who will not be taking my infant on errands- we don’t live in an errand friendly place. There’s only trust if the teen is trustworthy.
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, May 28 2023, 7:00 am
amother Lightpink wrote:
Sounds like baby is therapeutic to her. All love no expectations!

I’d grab the opportunity for all the help this would offer me.

As long as baby is safe, who cares if she pushes the carriage way ahead?


Because I want to be his mother. Because I want him to attach to me as the foundation for a healthy life for him ahead. Yes he is safe but I want to raise him!

But as an aside for that I'm wondering how much is a regular sibling attachment versus extreme..alot of my irritation also comes from the fact that I view the obsession ad unhealthy and maybe it isn't maybe all teens are like that ? And the mothers just don't mind because they are glad for the help.
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amother
Kiwi


 

Post Sun, May 28 2023, 7:01 am
Try a shift in attitude and see what happens
Let her know how much you appreciate her help
let her know how much baby loves her
look for the positive and praise her
to her
and in front of her to others
and in front of her to dh/her father
make sure to call baby her sib as in you are the best big sister! little baby sis/bro is so lucky to have you!

challenging dynamic -- make the most of it for a positive outcome with a healthy goal
remember she is in school/with friends/probably not really around that much

try offering her baby first because the more she subconsciously feels your resentment the more often people push -- perhaps counterintuitive but a reality
the more she knows you will let her the less pressing her need will be

hugs and hatzlocha
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, May 28 2023, 7:05 am
amother Chartreuse wrote:
I would set some rules and otherwise be glad for the help. For example, she needs to ask before taking the baby, she's not allowed to disappear with him, etc. You're responsible for the well being and safety of this baby, he's not just a toy. At the same time it sounds like a good bonding experience for her and it could be very helpful as the months and years go on and you need more help. So some predictable limits are needed to keep things manageable.



I am setting boundaries and like I said I get pushback. She gets upset when I tell her not to take the stroller right now...or she says you got to hold him all morning already....

Setting the boundaries isn't the issue. It's more wondering what is considered normal teen behavior versus unhealthy or obsessive and how to establish a healthier relationship.
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, May 28 2023, 7:06 am
amother Anemone wrote:
I have my two girls 16 years apart they are inseparable. My kids beck to her demands their life revolves around her. They hate when she naps and they greet her verses me after school.


Your ok with that ?.
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amother
Seashell


 

Post Sun, May 28 2023, 7:07 am
Isn't she in school most of the day?
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amother
Kiwi


 

Post Sun, May 28 2023, 7:09 am
amother OP wrote:
Because I want to be his mother. Because I want him to attach to me as the foundation for a healthy life for him ahead. Yes he is safe but I want to raise him!

But as an aside for that I'm wondering how much is a regular sibling attachment versus extreme..alot of my irritation also comes from the fact that I view the obsession ad unhealthy and maybe it isn't maybe all teens are like that ? And the mothers just don't mind because they are glad for the help.


It is normal
of course you are the baby's mother raising him
no question
this is not a competition
interesting that her running ahead with the stroller and wanting to be with baby so much causes this type of reaction...? it is not always about help it is about love and having a loving home and healthy sib relationships
many teen girls are "obsessed" with babies and their baby sibs

don't pathologize that which is normal for many teens especially teen girls
it is well within the normal healthy range
(doubt you would prefer she were jealous/angry/resentful of baby...?)
let it go
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