How to handle two DDs in shidduchim

amother

Mon, May 29 2023, 10:43 am

It's the moment I hoped would never come... but it's here. DD2 is starting shidduchim, and DD1, two years her senior, is still single. They are both wonderful, smart, talented girls, but they've always had competition between them. Plus they are looking for similar boys, at least on paper. The emotional roller coaster of one DD in shidduchim has been a lot to handle, and I am dreading the angst of having her sister join the fray.

Please, wise imas who have been through this or are going through this, share with me how you handled this difficult situation. How can I advocate wholeheartedly for DD2's shidduchim when I know how much pain it will cause DD1? How can I deal with the maelstrom of emotions that will come along with every date, and every dry spell--pain, jealousy, fear--without falling apart?

amother

Firethorn

Mon, May 29 2023, 10:51 am

I have a sister two years older than me. She got married when I was 20. I got married less than a year later, and I am so happy that I didn’t date or have to spend a few years going through shidduchim. I might have gotten married at 21, but I was only in shidduchim for 4 months and that was amazing for me

amother

Mon, May 29 2023, 10:56 am

Quote:

That's great! I wish things could have worked this way for us. DD2 has waited for a while to start shidduchim, in the hopes that her older sister would get married, but she is starting now upon the advice of our rav....

amother

Turquoise

Mon, May 29 2023, 11:36 am

I had 2 in Shidduchin, B"H the older one just got engaged. Keep emphasizing that every person has their bashert. I have a sister a year younger than me who got married before me. I didn't mind, actually I was really happy that she was moving out of the house as we were pretty competitive. The wedding wasn't easy though. We actually got along much better after she got married.

Cheiny

Mon, May 29 2023, 11:38 am

amother OP wrote:

The only thing to do is keep remembering it’s all up to Hashem. He is running the show, not you, not them, not the shadchanim, no one.

Let go and just let things unfold as they naturally will, and daven.

amother

Magenta

Mon, May 29 2023, 11:53 am

Make sure the older one REALLY knows that no matter who gets married first, it's all in Hashem's hands.

If DD2 gets married first, it in NO WAY affects DD1 or her ability to get married. It's all from Hashem and Hashem loves her more than she'll know.

If DD2 gets married first, it doesn't mean anything about DD1. It doesn't mean she's picky, it doesn't mean she needs to "compromise" or "settle", it doesn't mean she did something wrong. It literally reflects nothing about DD1.

Drill that into her. And don't let anyone (to the best of your ability, but also including you or your husband) make her feel less than.

I say this as a DD1 whose sister 2 years my junior got married before me.

It was the absolute worst tekufah of my life, but mostly because I had a messed up inner narrative that told me I was defective and stubborn and if only I'd been more easygoing...

I would love if I could help someone not go through that. I wish I would have believed what I said above. I wish others around me would have encouraged me and supported me with those affirmations because that's really what I needed to hear.

In the end, I B"H got married 1.5 years later to an amazing, wonderful person.

A word of caution to the DD2: I hope she doesn't rush into marrying someone just to avoid being an "older single" like DD1 (who isn't that old but may be made to feel "old"). My sister did, and she has a very hard marriage.

amother

Calendula

Mon, May 29 2023, 11:58 am

I'm a poster with 2 DD's in shidduchim. Our 2nd daughter hasn't really dated yet, and she has been perfectly happy to wait until now (she has said it gave her less pressure, and she pursued a degree in the meantime, and settled into a job she likes without having to think of shidduchim), but now our Rav advised that she should start shidduchim (till now he said she should wait). Also, our older daughter is very much on board, she's fine with her younger sister starting.

Just want to say that our Rav told us it can only be a Siman Bracha for our older DD. Please tell your daughter this. He said he has seen older siblings whose shidduchim came about soon after younger. May this be so for my daughters and yours.

amother

Brunette

Mon, May 29 2023, 12:15 pm

I had younger sisters dating at the same time and marry before me. It really will be ok if they end up marrying out of order. Many of us dealt with that situation and are still here to tell the tale.

The only hard part was other people's perception and pity at the time.

But, it has become quite commonplace nowadays, it doesn't have the stigma it used to have. It doesn't raise any eyebrows anymore.

(I will just add that it bugs me when pple say it's a segulah for the older sister to marry shortly after. I know several girls who are still waiting years, maybe even a decade after their younger sibling married. It bugged me back when that was me and it still bugs me now.)

amother

DarkOrange

Tue, May 30 2023, 2:03 pm

amother Brunette wrote:

(I will just add that it bugs me when pple say it's a segulah for the older sister to marry shortly after. I know several girls who are still waiting years, maybe even a decade after their younger sibling married. It bugged me back when that was me and it still bugs me now.)

Yes, yes, yes!! I have a relative, five of whose younger siblings married before them, and they are still waiting. I can't stand hearing that segulah either.

amother

Calendula

Tue, May 30 2023, 3:18 pm

I think segulah is a term that is so misused. People just throw it around, segulah for this or for that, and without a source, I'm totally not into it. AFAIK it doesn't say anywhere that a younger sibling marrying is a segulah for older sibling to find their zivug.

However, every good deed brings bracha to the person doing it. I do feel that my older daughter being so encouraging to her younger sister that she start dating will be a Siman Bracha for her. Does that mean she will find her shidduch soon? I certainly hope so, but there are no guarantees. Hashem runs the world, and we don't get to call the shots (I'll do this, Hashem, and you do what I want....doesn't work that way. No insurance policies....)

amother

Pearl

Tue, May 30 2023, 3:24 pm

My father had his sister, then brother, and then the next sister skip him.

His shidduch was made by the younger sisters husband

I also know a bunch of situations where a shidduch opens a new group of people who you didn't know and the sibling who was waiting for a shidduch had the suggestion come from there

Hashem always has a plan

amother

Freesia

Tue, May 30 2023, 3:28 pm

My younger sister dated at the same time as me and got married about five years before me. It was very hard but there's nothing anyone can do about it. Get your daughters to learn about bitachon. They really have to believe that Hashem finds you your zivug. You have to show your older daughter that you are putting plenty of effort into her and you would prefer her to go first but it's in Hashem's hand. On paper my sister and I were very similar but we needed very different people. When you are dating its hard to know who is for who, but, there's no way we could have married the same person. My husband is perfect for me and hers is perfect for her. It's also important that the older sibling knows about the younger sister's dates. If she gets engaged first it can not come as a surprise. If she needs an extra day to get used to the idea before it's announced publicly give her that time. May they both merit to meet their zivugim soon.