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Help me not be burned out from hosting
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, May 29 2023, 3:01 pm
In my neighborhood it’s very common to host sleeping guests for each other smachot. BH we have a really nice ‘guest suite’ in our basement - we even have a separate entrance that guests can enter through, although the actual suite is off our playroom. I feel blessed to have the extra space and really love to do the mitzvah of hachnosat orchim. With that being said, I’ve recently been getting more and more burned out, because, although most guests are wonderful, I have had a number of ‘stories’. Guests damaging things and not even saying anything, extreme levels of noise, etc.
I work full time plus plus plus during the week, so shabbos is my only relaxation. If shabbos becomes stressful, and I I don’t get my down time, then I get extra stressed for the whole week. Also, my kids are beginning to really resent it when their boundaries are crossed.
We try to make it so nice for the guests: the rooms are beautifully set up with everything they might need, even including a mini fridge with drinks, and they are always invited for breakfast shabbos morning and for whatever else they might need. I don’t let eating chametz in the basement and have a sign there, and the toys that I don’t want touched (think expensive playmobil and Lego sets that belong to my little boys), are in a locked closet. There are other toy closets with toys that can be played with.
Again, most people are amazing.
But some seriously make me wonder.
Last week we had a family who left their 4 kids, aged 4-10, unsupervised, (while they went to the house of the ba’al Simcha) whooping and playing really loudly, all shabbos morning from when they woke up till their seudah, and again all shabbos afternoon (I couldn’t fall asleep for a nap and after trying for a couple of hours gave up…I asked them to be quieter..by then it was too late…). The kids took out whatever toys they wanted, including the playmobil sets, and left a frightful mess behind them. Even when the parents were packing up 10:30 at night the kids were shrieking in the playroom keeping my youngest awake, and throwing things that actually caused damage to my doors and walls.
Then I get all stressed out when these kinds of stories happen, and they’re happening too often.
Should I have gone to the house of the ba’al Simcha and found the people (didn’t even know what they looked like because my husband welcomed them erev shabbos) and insisted they supervise their children in my house? That would've embarrassed the ba’al Simcha who is a neighbor and had no idea what her guests were doing.
Now I have more voicemails waiting to be returned of families asking me to host for more smachot…and I just don’t feel like calling back. And I feel guilty. And so burned out.
What would you do?
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amother
Currant


 

Post Mon, May 29 2023, 3:08 pm
You could set limits on what type of people-such as people with no children, or set limits on how often you host, so it's not every week.
And possibly give out a list of rules, spelling out what you thought was obvious, like not leaving your kids in the house without an adult.
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sarahmalka




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 29 2023, 3:12 pm
That's terrible. I would take a break from hosting, TBH. Also if those last guests damaged things I would not hesitate to get their contact information and ask for reimbursement on what you have to fix. It's unconscionable they let that happen, left their kids alone, let them wreck stuff, etc.
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Raisin




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 29 2023, 3:12 pm
You could certainly limit it to people with no small children. (unless you know them personally).

You could also make rules such as not leaving kids alone but honestly, it is insane that people think that is ok.

Can you block off suite from your house (lock a door?) so your space (and kids toys) are not invaded?
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amother
Tangerine


 

Post Mon, May 29 2023, 3:14 pm
I would have gone over. It's not the baalas simcha's fault that her guests left their children, and you can't be expected to deal with them.
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amother
Nasturtium


 

Post Mon, May 29 2023, 3:17 pm
I have an extra bedroom off my playroom. It's very large and spacious and for family that I like to host we put down mattresses for the kids.

But for stranger guests, like for neighbor's simchos, I say adults only, no kids.
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, May 29 2023, 3:22 pm
We can’t block off the suite because the only way to get to it is through our playroom. That’s just how the house is built. The bedrooms and bathroom are very private and we don’t hear noise but when the kids are in the playroom it’s kind of ‘open’ (which you can clearly see) so noise travels to the whole house.
We were thinking of making a rule no kids under age 10, I just feel so bad because it’s so hard for the ba’al Simcha.
Also, the problem with lots of ‘rules’ (like no unsupervised kids, for example) is that they make guests uncomfortable and make them feel ‘not wanted’ (I know that’s how we felt when we were guests for a Simcha and the host had a lot of ‘rules’). Plus, you’d never think people would leave their kids unsupervised.
My few rules have signs (for example, only the tissues we provide in the toilet - following that other thread…we also had thousands of dollars of damage from a sewage backup because guests flushed the wrong tissues…)…people IGNORE the signs. What else do we do?!?
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mommyla




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 29 2023, 3:35 pm
In my experience, some people will ignore however many rules you set. Those are the people who will irk you the most and do the most damage.

Take a break from hosting. I have a similar setup and I have learned to just tell people that I can’t host that week. It saves my sanity. Don’t feel bad!

If you need to limit to people without small children, go ahead and do that. You should absolutely set boundaries that work for you.

And don’t worry about telling the baalas Simcha that her guests left their kids at your house!! She probably noticed that the mom showed up without them!
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flowerpower




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 29 2023, 3:39 pm
I only have one guest room and it’s usually for adults. In my circles kids are usually not invited to a simcha. Just adults. If kids are also invited they go to a local hotel. Now I see why….. why can’t you tell people that you cannot accommodate children in your guest apartment? Be assertive. You come first.
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, May 29 2023, 3:44 pm
flowerpower wrote:
I only have one guest room and it’s usually for adults. In my circles kids are usually invited to a simcha. Just adults. If kids are also invited they go to a local hotel. Now I see why….. why can’t you tell people that you cannot accommodate children in your guest apartment? Be assertive. You come first.


Yeah we might have to say that. Doesn’t matter if we know the ba’al Simcha, as we’ve sadly learned. It’ll only be kids from our own guests that we allow. I just feel so bad Sad
How are people spossed to put up whole families for a Simcha if others can’t have guests with kids…
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flowerpower




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 29 2023, 3:46 pm
amother OP wrote:
Yeah we might have to say that. Doesn’t matter if we know the ba’al Simcha, as we’ve sadly learned. It’ll only be kids from our own guests that we allow. I just feel so bad Sad
How are people spossed to put up whole families for a Simcha if others can’t have guests with kids…


Don’t feel bad. It’s not your responsibility. There are hotels in every city. They can choose to leave their kids home with family or neighbors if needed
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ra_mom




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 29 2023, 3:51 pm
It's OK to say I can host adult guests (without saying no children). The families making the smachot with re-arrange their sleeper guests and send you the couples. They'll still be happy for another guest suite, I am quite sure. Just say it happily and with a smile in your voice, I can host adult guests, no problem. What about children? No, but happy to host adult guests.
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Cheiny




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 29 2023, 4:00 pm
amother OP wrote:
In my neighborhood it’s very common to host sleeping guests for each other smachot. BH we have a really nice ‘guest suite’ in our basement - we even have a separate entrance that guests can enter through, although the actual suite is off our playroom. I feel blessed to have the extra space and really love to do the mitzvah of hachnosat orchim. With that being said, I’ve recently been getting more and more burned out, because, although most guests are wonderful, I have had a number of ‘stories’. Guests damaging things and not even saying anything, extreme levels of noise, etc.
I work full time plus plus plus during the week, so shabbos is my only relaxation. If shabbos becomes stressful, and I I don’t get my down time, then I get extra stressed for the whole week. Also, my kids are beginning to really resent it when their boundaries are crossed.
We try to make it so nice for the guests: the rooms are beautifully set up with everything they might need, even including a mini fridge with drinks, and they are always invited for breakfast shabbos morning and for whatever else they might need. I don’t let eating chametz in the basement and have a sign there, and the toys that I don’t want touched (think expensive playmobil and Lego sets that belong to my little boys), are in a locked closet. There are other toy closets with toys that can be played with.
Again, most people are amazing.
But some seriously make me wonder.
Last week we had a family who left their 4 kids, aged 4-10, unsupervised, (while they went to the house of the ba’al Simcha) whooping and playing really loudly, all shabbos morning from when they woke up till their seudah, and again all shabbos afternoon (I couldn’t fall asleep for a nap and after trying for a couple of hours gave up…I asked them to be quieter..by then it was too late…). The kids took out whatever toys they wanted, including the playmobil sets, and left a frightful mess behind them. Even when the parents were packing up 10:30 at night the kids were shrieking in the playroom keeping my youngest awake, and throwing things that actually caused damage to my doors and walls.
Then I get all stressed out when these kinds of stories happen, and they’re happening too often.
Should I have gone to the house of the ba’al Simcha and found the people (didn’t even know what they looked like because my husband welcomed them erev shabbos) and insisted they supervise their children in my house? That would've embarrassed the ba’al Simcha who is a neighbor and had no idea what her guests were doing.
Now I have more voicemails waiting to be returned of families asking me to host for more smachot…and I just don’t feel like calling back. And I feel guilty. And so burned out.
What would you do?


Since you clearly sound burned out, take a break for a while. When you’ve recovered and feel up to hosting again, you’ll know it.

But you will have to set some ground rules, and make any guests aware of them in advance, such as, no leaving children behind in your home at any time. If the parents are leaving for a simcha or whatever, their kids must go with them. Take some time to think of any other rules that are Important for you, make the list and make it known to guests, you may even put up a little sign with them printed on it, just to remind the guests.

How did these last guests get the playmobils? Didn’t you say you had those in a locked closet?
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, May 29 2023, 4:07 pm
Cheiny wrote:
Since you clearly sound burned out, take a break for a while. When you’ve recovered and feel up to hosting again, you’ll know it.

But you will have to set some ground rules, and make any guests aware of them in advance, such as, no leaving children behind in your home at any time. If the parents are leaving for a simcha or whatever, their kids must go with them. Take some time to think of any other rules that are Important for you, make the list and make it known to guests, you may even put up a little sign with them printed on it, just to remind the guests.

How did these last guests get the playmobils? Didn’t you say you had those in a locked closet?


They unlocked the closet. The ten year old was clearly able to reach the high lock.
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amother
Chestnut


 

Post Mon, May 29 2023, 5:03 pm
You could limit children to when you want to, saying no children under bar/bas mitzvah is fine. Unless its a baby under a year. People will still appreciate it a lot. You have to put your family s needs as important too.
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amother
Amaranthus


 

Post Mon, May 29 2023, 5:19 pm
It’s sad that they ruin it for everyone. I recently benefited from a hachnosis orchim that let my kids in, it’s a big mitzva. I was watching them lie a hawk and made them whisper. I sent them to cousins in the afternoon.
I think it’s ok for you to do a bit of research on the families through the people who reserve for them. Also print up a list of rules and have them sign before. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing .
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amother
Junglegreen


 

Post Mon, May 29 2023, 5:27 pm
I took a break from hosting for simchas that went into the covid period and I never really went back to it. Part of it is that we rearranged the house in a way that didn’t give guests their own separate area, just a guest room/office now and guests need to share the bathroom with my kids. But it was good for my boys to be separate rooms and so we changed it around and during covid no one came anyway.

I think what led me to do what was good for us was this: some time ago a family came to stay (hosting for a simcha I wasn’t even invited to as a last minute favor) and they had the whole 3rd floor to themselves and a bathroom. That is where the guest room used to be. But I overheard the wife complaining bitterly about the accommodations which I thought were entirely acceptable, but no it wasn’t a 5 star hotel. We also had been away that week and I had little time to prepare so the house was messier than usual (we came home right before shabbos and only had time to get food ready). Still their room was clean, they had their own bathroom and were shown everything in the kitchen if they needed coffee or food. I felt so ashamed after hearing this young lady complain that I stopped saying yes and made excuses when people asked.

Every now and then I feel badly we don’t have a real guest suite anymore, but I felt so ashamed after that experience - especially since I think I keep things nice. I just don’t want “fancy” people I don’t know staying here. If the young families expect a hotel they should stay in one. I also don’t relate to the standards. I live in a big house with plenty of space but when I was younger we lived in apartments and people slept on our couches or air mattresses. we also stayed with families in apartments, on kids beds, (kids giving up their rooms for guests) shared bathrooms etc. Nowadays the expectations are off the charts.
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amother
Darkblue


 

Post Mon, May 29 2023, 6:03 pm
amother Junglegreen wrote:
I took a break from hosting for simchas that went into the covid period and I never really went back to it. Part of it is that we rearranged the house in a way that didn’t give guests their own separate area, just a guest room/office now and guests need to share the bathroom with my kids. But it was good for my boys to be separate rooms and so we changed it around and during covid no one came anyway.

I think what led me to do what was good for us was this: some time ago a family came to stay (hosting for a simcha I wasn’t even invited to as a last minute favor) and they had the whole 3rd floor to themselves and a bathroom. That is where the guest room used to be. But I overheard the wife complaining bitterly about the accommodations which I thought were entirely acceptable, but no it wasn’t a 5 star hotel. We also had been away that week and I had little time to prepare so the house was messier than usual (we came home right before shabbos and only had time to get food ready). Still their room was clean, they had their own bathroom and were shown everything in the kitchen if they needed coffee or food. I felt so ashamed after hearing this young lady complain that I stopped saying yes and made excuses when people asked.

Every now and then I feel badly we don’t have a real guest suite anymore, but I felt so ashamed after that experience - especially since I think I keep things nice. I just don’t want “fancy” people I don’t know staying here. If the young families expect a hotel they should stay in one. I also don’t relate to the standards. I live in a big house with plenty of space but when I was younger we lived in apartments and people slept on our couches or air mattresses. we also stayed with families in apartments, on kids beds, (kids giving up their rooms for guests) shared bathrooms etc. Nowadays the expectations are off the charts.

When I made a simcha, I put up a very fussy relative at a neighbor who has beautiful accommodations. She had an entire floor for her family. She complained (to me, I pray she didn’t say anything to the host) about the stupidest things. I can’t even write them because she’ll definitely recognize herself…
My point is, some people will find things to complain about no matter what.
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amother
Outerspace


 

Post Mon, May 29 2023, 6:03 pm
Take a break
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amother
Junglegreen


 

Post Mon, May 29 2023, 6:10 pm
amother Darkblue wrote:
When I made a simcha, I put up a very fussy relative at a neighbor who has beautiful accommodations. She had an entire floor for her family. She complained (to me, I pray she didn’t say anything to the host) about the stupidest things. I can’t even write them because she’ll definitely recognize herself…
My point is, some people will find things to complain about no matter what.


Yes I hear that. I think my reaction was, when considering rearranging my house, I did all this to accommodate strangers. Some of them don’t even appreciate it so I will just take my chances and arrange the house how it is good for us. I decided the office/guest room was good enough and I now tell people beforehand and they can decide if they want to stay. But I didn’t really go back to being on ppl lists for these things. I didn’t know how much it stressed me until I stopped.
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