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Forum -> Parenting our children
Awareness about parenting…and results
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, May 29 2023, 11:08 pm
So obviously there is more and more awareness on how to parent Angie make sure your child’s emotional needs are met.

No parentifying children.
Being here for children.
Attachment issues from being left to cry, or away at a sitter in not an ideal situation for hours.
Making sure kids feel safe and secure etc…
Not leaving kids alone at a young age, or to babysit at a young age…
And many more…
Listening to children, spending time with them…

The thing is that around me I see many people parent the “wrong “ way for convenience, or because they’re overwhelmed, or just selfish….and I’m not always seeing any negative affect on them, or positive effects on those who are emotionally attuned, aware parents….

I know it’s better, but….especially when I want to convince my sibling or spouse that something is wrong with the other way, is there proof?
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amother
Feverfew


 

Post Mon, May 29 2023, 11:09 pm
You can't tell anyone else how to parent.
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, May 29 2023, 11:13 pm
amother Feverfew wrote:
You can't tell anyone else how to parent.


I think a sibling can definitely advise on what’s right or wrong.
And give suggestions.

Not aggressively, but explaining.

And my spouse….definitely!
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amother
Tealblue


 

Post Mon, May 29 2023, 11:17 pm
I think the best proof is your own children.

Although, I have one relative who seems impressed with mine and literally asks my advice but never seems to follow it. In some circles this is known as being as 'askhole.' Smile
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amother
Linen


 

Post Mon, May 29 2023, 11:18 pm
You don’t know results until your kids are grown up.

Don’t take advice from anyone who hasn’t finished raising their kids.
Look for families with great grown up kids and then ask the parents for their secrets.

My secret is that I love being a mother to my kids and my kids know it. My kids know that their is nothing in the world more important to me than them. They feel loved and cared for. That’s my secret. And many of my kids are nearly or already adults so I feel qualified to give advice.
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amother
Seafoam


 

Post Mon, May 29 2023, 11:33 pm
amother OP wrote:
I think a sibling can definitely advise on what’s right or wrong.
And give suggestions.

Not aggressively, but explaining.

And my spouse….definitely!


Rule #1 - Advice should be given only when asked. Otherwise, it's the opposite of helpful.

With a spouse, you can open the conversation to share your thoughts and ask for feedback. If you're not on the same page, you work out your differences and agree on a parenting plan. With others, if they're not asking for suggestions or advice, then don't give it. If anything, it will create negativity around your suggestions and will further alienate them from it.
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, May 29 2023, 11:45 pm
amother Seafoam wrote:
Rule #1 - Advice should be given only when asked. Otherwise, it's the opposite of helpful.

With a spouse, you can open the conversation to share your thoughts and ask for feedback. If you're not on the same page, you work out your differences and agree on a parenting plan. With others, if they're not asking for suggestions or advice, then don't give it. If anything, it will create negativity around your suggestions and will further alienate them from it.


Great rule, but, if my sibling let’s her 6 year old babysit the 2 and 4 year old, then I will definitely let her know that it’s too young and she needs to make different arrangements .
I’d be wrong not to tell her.
And so on. It obviously depends on the relationship.
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tichellady




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 30 2023, 1:26 am
I don't think how children turn out necessarily means their parents did a good or bad job. you do your best because you love your kids and want the best for them but there are no guarantees.
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tichellady




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 30 2023, 1:39 am
also just because someone is a successful adult by society's standards doesn't mean he/she is actually happy, well adjusted, stable etc. we don't know who is actually " successful" and who is struggling
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salt




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 30 2023, 1:45 am
There's no proof.
It's just common sense, and you do what works for you, what you see is good for your kids, and also sometimes what is convenient or necessary - of course within reason.

I grew up with a mother who worked long hours, and a nanny at home when we got home from school, and I don't remember feeling deprived then, and now, at age almost 50 I still feel just fine.

Everything has to be done with a certain measure of common sense, and every family is different.
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amother
Brickred


 

Post Tue, May 30 2023, 1:50 am
amother OP wrote:
Great rule, but, if my sibling let’s her 6 year old babysit the 2 and 4 year old, then I will definitely let her know that it’s too young and she needs to make different arrangements .
I’d be wrong not to tell her.
And so on. It obviously depends on the relationship.


not "too young" rather "not safe"
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ora_43




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 30 2023, 1:51 am
amother OP wrote:
The thing is that around me I see many people parent the “wrong “ way for convenience, or because they’re overwhelmed, or just selfish….and I’m not always seeing any negative affect on them, or positive effects on those who are emotionally attuned, aware parents….

I know it’s better, but….especially when I want to convince my sibling or spouse that something is wrong with the other way, is there proof?

You're never going to get any nice-and-neat outcomes with parenting. I can show you children of truly dysfunctional, awful people who are the sweetest people you'd care to meet.

Parenting is a relationship between people, and people are complicated. Sometimes kids thrive despite terrible parenting. Sometimes kids thrive - or struggle - largely because of the other relationships in their life (a child with an absent mom but wonderful grandmother; a child with loving parents who gets bullied at school; etc).

Sometimes a parent does a lot of things wrong, like putting too much responsibility on their kid or not caring enough about safety, but does other important things right, like making their child feel like they love them and are proud of them.

Sometimes kids get all the love and support in the world, but struggle tremendously because of the things going on inside their own minds (mental health, neurodivergence...).

So put aside "proof."

I'd focus instead on: 1. risk, 2. the child's current emotional state.

#1 - eg letting a 6-year-old watch a 2-year-old is a risk. It's not guaranteed to go wrong, but it's not guaranteed to go right, either. Why take that gamble?

#2 - let's say a child isn't getting enough attention. The problem isn't (just) that in 20 years they might somehow 'turn out' worse than they could have, it's that they're hurting right now. So I'd focus on that, like, 'dd has really been wanting to spend time with you, how can we make that happen?' instead of 'if you don't spend more time with our daughter she's going to grow up insecure.'
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imaima




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 30 2023, 3:56 am
amother OP wrote:
So obviously there is more and more awareness on how to parent Angie make sure your child’s emotional needs are met.

No parentifying children.
Being here for children.
Attachment issues from being left to cry, or away at a sitter in not an ideal situation for hours.
Making sure kids feel safe and secure etc…
Not leaving kids alone at a young age, or to babysit at a young age…
And many more…
Listening to children, spending time with them…

The thing is that around me I see many people parent the “wrong “ way for convenience, or because they’re overwhelmed, or just selfish….and I’m not always seeing any negative affect on them, or positive effects on those who are emotionally attuned, aware parents….

I know it’s better, but….especially when I want to convince my sibling or spouse that something is wrong with the other way, is there proof?

The positive effect will be on the child and not on the parent!!! What signs are you looking for?
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amother
Bone


 

Post Tue, May 30 2023, 4:24 am
Can we please keep G-d in the picture?
You can do everything you possibly are able to and still struggle with your kids.

When I go to PTA for some of my kids I always hear how you can see how much we as parents invest, ow they're a real product of the home, they're bH doing so well.
Then I go for a different child. And I wonder if they can possibly be discussing the same family.

Anyone who has amazing children should say thank you. Not take the credit for it. It's extremely insulting to those of us who do everything you did plus more and are still struggling.
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amother
Bone


 

Post Tue, May 30 2023, 4:27 am
amother OP wrote:
So obviously there is more and more awareness on how to parent Angie make sure your child’s emotional needs are met.

I know it’s better, but….especially when I want to convince my sibling or spouse that something is wrong with the other way, is there proof?


Just playing devil's advocate.
How do you KNOW it's better?
However you know, that's your proof.

If you don't have proof, why are you trying to convince other people of something you have no proof of?
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amother
Raspberry


 

Post Tue, May 30 2023, 5:17 am
amother OP wrote:
I think a sibling can definitely advise on what’s right or wrong.
And give suggestions.

Not aggressively, but explaining.

And my spouse….definitely!

The problem with this is that if you truly believe Hashem gives each child the parents they need, then what parenting hack worked for one family, may not work for another. Indeed even in the same family, how you parented an older kid may not work for another one with a different personality. For example, my eldest put himself on a schedule with naps and bedtime when I was a clueless parent and everyone complimented me on how well I had “scheduled” him when it had absolutely nothing to do with my parenting but his nature. Conversely, I got a rude awakening when my youngest didn’t sleep at all let alone nap when I was a more “veteran” parent. 😂

The worse vice is advice…
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amother
Dustypink


 

Post Tue, May 30 2023, 5:33 am
amother Bone wrote:
Can we please keep G-d in the picture?
You can do everything you possibly are able to and still struggle with your kids.

When I go to PTA for some of my kids I always hear how you can see how much we as parents invest, ow they're a real product of the home, they're bH doing so well.
Then I go for a different child. And I wonder if they can possibly be discussing the same family.


Anyone who has amazing children should say thank you. Not take the credit for it. It's extremely insulting to those of us who do everything you did plus more and are still struggling.


Lol definitely. Last PTA I was thinking, at least I have three kids in this school and the teachers hopefully realise that our 'delinquent' kid isn't like that because of our attitudes and parenting, because we have 2 more beautifully behaved, studious children here as well.
My oldest is a dream child bH - responsible, friendly, mature, hard-working. We didn't make her that way, she did.
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, May 30 2023, 8:16 am
You’re all so right!
And I’m the first one to say that the only way to measure somehow if you were a good parent, and if you did right by your child, is by your relationship with your child and how your child feels.

This thread got triggered by conversations I’ve had with relatives, and discussing certain parenting concepts- one of the arguments were, well my mom did it to me and I turned out fine (let’s not talk about the resentment I hear from them at other times etc…)

Discussing having your child wake up for newborn babies through the night on shabbos- since they will get to sleep in.

Discussing leaving little ones, sleeping home alone while going out - but babysitting them through a cellphone.

Discussing attachment issues that come up with infants and toddlers- but big deal they will forget so quickly.
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amother
Seafoam


 

Post Tue, May 30 2023, 8:26 am
amother OP wrote:
You’re all so right!
And I’m the first one to say that the only way to measure somehow if you were a good parent, and if you did right by your child, is by your relationship with your child and how your child feels.

This thread got triggered by conversations I’ve had with relatives, and discussing certain parenting concepts- one of the arguments were, well my mom did it to me and I turned out fine (let’s not talk about the resentment I hear from them at other times etc…)

Discussing having your child wake up for newborn babies through the night on shabbos- since they will get to sleep in.

Discussing leaving little ones, sleeping home alone while going out - but babysitting them through a cellphone.

Discussing attachment issues that come up with infants and toddlers- but big deal they will forget so quickly.


Agree with you that these should not be done. But do you really think that you telling them otherwise will have them change their mind?
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, May 30 2023, 8:34 am
amother Seafoam wrote:
Agree with you that these should not be done. But do you really think that you telling them otherwise will have them change their mind?


Well, I changed my mind.
Some of it was my nature, but other changes I’ve made is from awareness.
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