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amother
OP
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 Wed, May 31 2023, 5:28 am
How much ignoring is normal? I have severe shalom bayis issues with dh. Lots of history and water under the bridge there. In general, he basically ignores most of what I say. If I make a comment or question to the room in general, he'll completely ignore me. If I speak to him directly, he will usually ignore me or blow me off, and maybe answer me passive aggressively after a few times. Often he'll imply that I have no right to make the question or comment in the first place.
I see my littler ones ignoring me a lot, specifically my 4 and 7 year olds. I often say things like "we don't ignore a mommy" or "we have to answer a mommy right away" but they still do it. It is the most frustrating thing, it feels like the power to parent has been taken away from me. Is it normal for kids to ignore to some degree, or is this coming completely from following their father's example? And how can I deal with it?
This thread would really belong in a safe haven / sub forum for women who choose to stay with abusive or checked out spouses by choice, if such a forum would exist, so please respond accordingly.
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LovesHashem
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Wed, May 31 2023, 5:55 am
I know someone who stayed with someone like this. Only 1 out of her 8 kids talk to her. She wasn't even invited to some of their weddings.
They are all adults and most married now but they still obviously have trauma and issues due to their fathers abuse and many seeing their mother take the abuse learned they should do the same and therefore won't go to therapy or aknlowedge there's even anything wrong with their father.
The mother left when the youngest was a teen and she is the only one who is in touch with her mother and brings her into in her life.
I know you don't want judgment. But you need to know the possible ramifications of your actions.
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LovesHashem
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Wed, May 31 2023, 7:03 am
| amother Burlywood wrote: | I just had to respond to this even though my response has nothing to do with op.
My parent "says" literally the exact same story but the truth is that the parent is a real narcissistic abuser and therefore my siblings have nothing with that parent in order to protect ourselves. And that's just the story the abusive parent says.
Even if you hear a story first hand from the "victim" parent. We should know it may be actually that this person is severely abusive behind closed door and appears harmless and kind to everyone else. |
Of course we don't know everything about everyone, I'm not going into further details here but it's very clear here who is the abuser and who isn't. If I said more details it would compromise the privacy of this family.
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amother
OP
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Wed, May 31 2023, 7:22 am
| amother Ballota wrote: | Being that OP is venting here, we assume that she's innocent and her Husband/kids are totally at fault.
Usually such behavior comes as a result of something negative that happened in the past.
It's 'possible' that her DH is hurt by things she said that caused him to ignore her, or the way she treats him in occasion.
We don't know as OP is refusing to share details.
Hurt people, hurt people.
Regarding the kids, it's possible that they feel the tense atmosphere in the parents SB and reciprocate their actions towards their mother. It's possible that she screams alot at them, causing them to ignore her.
Only OP knows the real truth.
See if you speak with more respect to your DH, and to the kids, maybe things can turn around for the better. |
Dh is very passive and avoidant. If I ask him any question, he can't handle it, so he ignores me. He will accuse me of being abusive or screaming or blaming, or really anything he can think of, so as not to have to deal with any situations at all. When in reality what I'm asking is something simple like "did you pick up _____" or "what time is ____" or "can you please help with bedtime." According to him, I'm abusive for expecting any level of help or responsibility.
None of his toxic attitude would be different if we were divorced, and at least this way there is some bit of teamwork, and he can't trash talk me to the kids all the time because most of the time I'm around.
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justforfun87
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Wed, May 31 2023, 7:55 am
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Ehhh my kids ignore me a lot and my husband usually listens.
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LovesHashem
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Wed, May 31 2023, 7:58 am
| amother OP wrote: | Dh is very passive and avoidant. If I ask him any question, he can't handle it, so he ignores me. He will accuse me of being abusive or screaming or blaming, or really anything he can think of, so as not to have to deal with any situations at all. When in reality what I'm asking is something simple like "did you pick up _____" or "what time is ____" or "can you please help with bedtime." According to him, I'm abusive for expecting any level of help or responsibility.
None of his toxic attitude would be different if we were divorced, and at least this way there is some bit of teamwork, and he can't trash talk me to the kids all the time because most of the time I'm around. |
I mean one day that could change, he might feel more powerful and not care and trash talk you in front of you and put you down.
I hear what you are saying but I think it's also good to know where you and your kids red lines are and when it makes sense to stay or leave.
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imasinger
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Wed, May 31 2023, 8:42 am
My advice is to focus less on the criticism ("we have to listen to a mommy"), although it's good as a reminder.
Make sure your main focus, though, is on correcting the behavior. Maybe consider a small reward, and definitely enthusiastic praise, for any and every time you see them responding right away. You can also offer a slightly larger reward for responding appropriately 3 times in a row, and gradually expand it.
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