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Husband-Kid dynamic



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amother
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Post Wed, May 31 2023, 7:50 am
My husband really tries to be a good father, but didn't grow up in a large family. We have 6 kids B"H. My kids are generally good, but they have their personality quirks. I am involved in child development by profession so getting along with kids comes naturally to me. My husband takes more of a "if you want my attention, you need to come to me" approach. He has a low tolerance for "silly" and the mishagasim of pre-adolescents. He gets a little bit stuck in "this is how kids SHOULD behave" and "this is how a house "SHOULD" look. I tell him that if he wants things done, he needs to TALK to our kids and give them instructions. My kids would rather be on their tablets/computers. They have learned to tune him out and he has learned to let them ignore him. He doesn't communicate effectively and he often tells them "Well, they'll learn the consequences". He would rather a blanket "lose tablet time" and I don't think that's an effective strategy. I've told him that he needs to tell them and give them instructions and his response is "well they just ignore me", and the kids tell me "Mommy why can't you buy "x,y,z for school?" and I tell them "talk to Abba, he buys the school snacks", If I buy it then he complains that I'm essentially "too soft" with them or I shop too frivolously. Thus, they've learned that Abba is "Mr. No" and they avoid him, but he doesn't feel like extending the olive branch. How do we fix this? I don't know of any family therapists in our area.
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rowena




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jun 01 2023, 8:19 am
Hi, so your husband sounds like me. I've had an overly rigid view of how children should behave. I had these untrue beliefs about children and parenting that I had to get resources to reeducate myself and work on myself to break the patterns. Do any of these sound like your husband:

1.The children are behaving in a silly way to annoy me.
2. If I ever give them what they want or display any flexibility they will become spoiled and they will never be satisfied with what they have.
3.My kids should be able to think like adults.
4. My kids tantrums are happening to me.
5.Kids only learn what behavior is desirable and undesirable through reward and consequences.(this would cause me to hold my children to a higher standard than I held myself. For example: if they accidentally spilled their juice, I wouldn't give them any more juice, but if I, an adult, would spill my juice. I'd sigh, clean it up, and get myself some more.)

I'll admit that it took a couple years of CBT for me to actually be open to questioning the beliefs that I held. Would your husband be open to educating himself? Maybe if it's framed as we are always learning new things about child development, and there are new tools out there that work better.

If he is, I would recommend "Good Inside" by Dr. Becky Kennedy or the Raising Good Humans podcast by Dr. Aliza Pressman
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