S/o 5ex ed for boys, what about a motherless girl?

amother

Sun, Jun 04 2023, 10:39 am

My daughter has a friend who lives with her father. No mother around. Like the other thread where some said its fine for a mother to talk to her son about puberty and everything that goes with it, what do you think about a father talking about periods and developing bodies to his daughter? Just wondering if people think its the same thing?

YounginBP

Sun, Jun 04 2023, 10:44 am

For sure! What's the alternative? Wake up to a bloody panty?

If there's a loving grandma or aunt maybe they can get the honor, but depending on the child, I can see them getting really mad at them for interfering.

amother

Sun, Jun 04 2023, 10:47 am

YounginBP wrote:

No female relatives, just the father.
I mean, I agree that there is no alternative, but on the other hand, the father has no idea what the daughter is going to actually go through and same for mother with sons. Its just something that will be beyond awkward for them. And maybe a bit sad.

NechaMom

Sun, Jun 04 2023, 11:05 am

It’s extremely sad if there’s no mother figure involved. Most single fathers have a mother, sister, aunt who can help out with certain things like shopping or having such discussions. I’m just thinking who takes her for bra fittings when she needs? Clothing shopping? If there’s really no female relative who can take that role perhaps a teacher can be involved? A girl needs a mother figure in her life no matter how dedicated the father is. Same for a boy and a father figure.

crust

Sun, Jun 04 2023, 11:13 am

amother OP wrote:

I think it is very different.

A girl's puberty is involved with a lot more than body changes. It is more complicated and nuanced and needs a lot of hand holding.

On the practical side she's going to have to deal with a period every month, need pads or tampons figured out, which pain killers work for her, practical advice on daily life with a period and so on.

On the emotional side she's going to need a shoulder to cry on when the going gets rough and she has pain and hates her period like all girls do.

That's besides the externally visible body changes that need different underwear which needs a sensitive person to guide her.

A mother is a more powerful presence in a child's life and therefore needs to be able to have to talk to both the daughters and the sons.

amother

Sun, Jun 04 2023, 11:20 am

crust wrote:

So then whats to be done if there is no mother or female family members? Crying

amother

Sun, Jun 04 2023, 11:21 am

NechaMom wrote:

Nope, no female family member. And no, its not mekubal where they live, that a teacher would take that role.

amother

Rainbow

Sun, Jun 04 2023, 11:22 am

Can you fill this role?
Strengthen your relationship with her
You care
Send little gifts and such
Nowadays there are phones FaceTime zoom etc B”H
Then you can let her know you are present for her and any questions etc and deal as age warrants
You can make a real difference in her life

Hugs and hatzlocha

crust

Sun, Jun 04 2023, 11:24 am

amother OP wrote:

So then whats to be done if there is no mother or female family members? Crying

A friend's mother is also good. Like you. Smile

She will need a female relationship in her life not just for periods and bras. One day she will need a female figure to help her through pregnancy and childbirth.

This needs to be figured out sooner than later.

Maybe ask Sarah Rivka Kohn from Links how to go about this.

amother

Sun, Jun 04 2023, 11:27 am

amother Rainbow wrote:

I dont know this friend too well. Just that she was a fried of my daughter. And they moved to a different continent than us. Its not shayuch at all for me to take this role.
They are past needing any period or puberty talk. This was a hypothetical question, but I was giving the example of my daughter's friend. They are closer to marriage age now, but when they were in highschool I wondered about this. It made me sad.

NechaMom

Sun, Jun 04 2023, 11:27 am

amother OP wrote:

Nope, no female family member. And no, its not mekubal where they live, that a teacher would take that role.

Is she in school? How many times do you have such circumstances to know whether it’s mekubal or not? In fact, a decent school should offer on their own if they see such a situation. The teachers and staff are surely notified of the home situation. I can’t imagine any school where the principal or Mechaneches knows that this girl has absolutely no female family members in her life and don’t offer a helping hand. Or wouldn’t do it gladly if asked.

amother

Sun, Jun 04 2023, 11:29 am

crust wrote:

A friend's mother is also good. Like you. Smile

This stuck out at me. I bh have my mother around. I did not use her to get through pregnancy and child birth.

Who is sarah rivkah kohn and what is links?

amother

Bluebonnet

Sun, Jun 04 2023, 11:31 am

I was in this situation and my father sorta did. Not ideal obviously but life is not always ideal... I don't know if my mothers friend would have been better, personally I would have found it very intrusive.

crust

Sun, Jun 04 2023, 11:33 am

amother OP wrote:

This stuck out at me. I bh have my mother around. I did not use her to get through pregnancy and child birth.

Who is sarah rivkah kohn and what is links?

Did you have a sister or a female friend?

Also, if you grew up in a regular household you might have had much less fear and questions around pregnancy and childbirth than a girl that lives with a father does.

Links is an organization for children that lost a parent.

Hatzlacha

amother

Beige

Sun, Jun 04 2023, 11:33 am

My father died when I was young. I believe my mother had my father's best friend bein chayim l'chayim talk to my brothers about boy puberty stuff.
the extent fathers can be involved is very individual. I spoke to my daughter about periods... but at a certain point my husband told my daughter that if she has any questions that she wants to ask him she is more then welcome to. He's very logical and scientific, the type that doesn't easily feel awkward talking about stuff.

amother

Mayflower

Wed, Jun 07 2023, 10:37 am

amother OP wrote:

So then whats to be done if there is no mother or female family members? Crying

What can I tell you. Being a yesomah stinks.

My mother was around for the period talk. Then it was my mother's friend's and my friend's mpthers and, yes, my father. Because some things need the security of parent. He had to educate himself and I am grateful. But also many balls were dropped, especially when I got married.

We lived oot away from female relatives, who were not numerous anyway.

It still stinks. I'm in my 40s with kids in shidduchim and it still residually stinks and makes me cry that I need to ask advice on how to support my daughters and don't know what it should look like.

It's what hashem wanted for me.

And honestly, there were a lot worse things about not having a mother. This was just another thing.

amother

Mintcream

Wed, Jun 07 2023, 10:49 am

amother OP wrote:

So then whats to be done if there is no mother or female family members? Crying

He can get her books about it, as a teen my mother didn't talk to me about it she just gave me a book to read.
That's not ideal but if there's no mother or female that can step in that's what I would do

amother

Birch

Wed, Jun 07 2023, 12:04 pm

My father filled the role as my mom passed when I was small
It was totally fine I don’t see the big deal. I guess for someone very sheltered it might be weird but my dad is always very open with us so it wasn’t weird for me

Also about childbirth this sounds morbid but I was glad not to have anyone around and that my mom wasn’t there lol I enjoyed having peace and quiet at all times and I really learned how to be a mother because no one was doing it for me. HaShem gives everyone their own situation I don’t think you need to feel bad for yesomim because when HaShem gives you that challenge (Chas Vshalom) He also give you an enormous amount of strength that can carry you through life on a completely different wavelength than everyone else. I am very happy with my lot and grateful for all of my experiences. My mothers time on this earth was complete and it was very clear to me even at a young age that she had fulfilled her tafkid and I was to continue bringing what she did to the world and to my family.
Sorry this was a long post that went a bit off topic I don’t usually talk about this with anyone it’s nice to share..