If someone asks “HOW MANY kids do you have?”…

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amother

Thu, Jun 08 2023, 11:49 pm

And you don’t want to answer, maybe especially to that particular person because you know it will stir up jealousy or ayin hara. How do you answer properly without using numbers since other people are around and you don’t want to be socially off.
I usually say. I don’t count. Or Baruch Hashem, with a smile. Any other tips. Do you freely answer these kind of questions.?

smss

Fri, Jun 09 2023, 12:00 am

It never occurred to me not to answer a question like that out of concern for ayin hara, I know for people who have lost a child (lo aleinu) it can be a very painful question though.

I think it's a bit strange to say you don't count... like you don't know how many children you have?

amother

Chicory

Fri, Jun 09 2023, 12:02 am

Interesting. I’m never thought not to say. I say, BH I have 2! And when I had 1 I said BH I have one! There’s no room for your pity in my miracles. But if you don’t want to say just say, BH I’ve been blessed and own Your response. Their negativity can’t touch you

amother

Mintcream

Fri, Jun 09 2023, 12:04 am

smss wrote:

My friend who lost a baby many years ago still counts her into her family size.
She includes her when listing her family names.

amother

Electricblue

Fri, Jun 09 2023, 12:06 am

If you don't want to talk about it say directly “I try not to flaunt the brachos we’ve been given.”

Don’t say “I don’t count.” It’s weird and an obvious lie. When I was becoming frum in my early 20s, I thought it so strange that people couldn’t tell me how many kids or grandkids they had. Like, “you’ve lost track? Or you can’t count that high?” It was very offputting, and I still think it is now that I know why they do it.

Saying “Baruch Hashem with a smile” is the Jewish equivalent of the southern “Bless your heart” and Stepford Wives all rolled into one.

BrisketBoss

Fri, Jun 09 2023, 12:11 am

If jealousy is going to be stirred up, "I don't count" seems like the wrong way to avoid it. It makes it sound like you have so many you can afford to be careless about counting them.

amother

RosePink

Fri, Jun 09 2023, 12:13 am

How do you know that your answer will stir up jealousy or ayin hara? Maybe the other person will, like most people, be totally neutral. Or think, that's nice. Or pity you.

As you say, it's socially off not to give a direct answer.

Now, it's not a great question, because some women are dealing with infertility or have suffered a loss, but if someone asks a direct question, just give a direct answer.

We're reading Sefer Bamidmar now. Hashem counts the Jewish people out of love.

Trademark

Fri, Jun 09 2023, 12:19 am

In Yiddish there is an expression "you don't count children and money" ( kinder in gelt tzeilt men nisht).

It's useful if you're a yiddish speaker Smile

amother

Yolk

Fri, Jun 09 2023, 12:32 am

3 boys ( no need to mention there are 10 girls as well)

smss

Fri, Jun 09 2023, 12:39 am

amother Yolk wrote:

3 boys ( no need to mention there are 10 girls as well)

Huh.
Would your girls agree?

amother

Yolk

Fri, Jun 09 2023, 12:41 am

smss wrote:

Huh.
Would your girls agree?

You can alternate genders you choose to reveal. Point is you’re not disclosing entire family.

smss

Fri, Jun 09 2023, 1:04 am

amother Yolk wrote:

You can alternate genders you choose to reveal. Point is you’re not disclosing entire family.

Yeah I know, I just personally would find it strange bordering on hurtful if my mother answered that question but excluded some of her children. Rubs me the wrong way. But I guess I don't really understand this concept in the first place.

amother

RosePink

Fri, Jun 09 2023, 1:06 am

amother Yolk wrote:

3 boys ( no need to mention there are 10 girls as well)

You'd rather pretend some of your children don't exist than answer a simple question? Really?

it’s okay!

Fri, Jun 09 2023, 1:17 am

Op, I think you’re overthinking it.

effess

Fri, Jun 09 2023, 1:17 am

It’s a good question because the old Jewish way (in many communities) is not to say and in our western world it’s socially off not to say.

I come from a family where my mother/grandmother/aunts don’t say. I am less sensitive and just say.
But if I was true to family custom and sensitive to ppl thinking I’m off, perhaps a middle ground can be:
My family custom is that we don’t share the number of children we have.

amother

Leaf

Fri, Jun 09 2023, 1:20 am

You can say, with a laugh, "too many to count!"

And then follow with, "actually, my family custom is not to say the exact number, but it's between 5 and 10."

amother

Tangerine

Fri, Jun 09 2023, 1:23 am

amother OP wrote:

But....it's a perfectly normal question to ask, and I feel like the perfectly normal thing to do is to answer truthfully and say Baruch Hashem.
"I don't count" is weird- of course you do; they're your children.
Answering "Baruch Hashem" and smiling? Also weird, tbh. If someone answered me that way (not that I tend to ask), I'd think it's a weird, frummy, avoidance technique.
Let's be normal people.
We don't have to make everything a drama.
Signed,
A mother of four BH! who has suffered more miscarriages than the number of children she has but would never consider making the subject of number of children an issue.

amother

Freesia

Fri, Jun 09 2023, 1:45 am

If you don't count, say names.

amother

Razzmatazz

Fri, Jun 09 2023, 1:51 am

amother Yolk wrote:

3 boys ( no need to mention there are 10 girls as well)

op why do u think they'll have an ayin horo?

mzybas

Fri, Jun 09 2023, 2:01 am

I just say one of each! (One Sarah, one Rivka, one Rachel, etc)

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