Do we take Tzedokoh or go into debt? Tuition

amother

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 4:23 pm

We've been doing OK financially until now. We live month to month though with kind of affording the nicer things (we need to be careful still)
We go on vacations, pay full school fees for all our kids bH. Have a nice big house (mortgaged) but we just get by.
Now throw in our oldest child who's starting yeshiva. A new, small specialised yeshiva for those boys that don't want to (or find it hard) to learn a lot. They want an absolute fortune, an amount that's totally out of our reach.
My dh and I work hard enough, non of us can up our income (dh's varies as he's self employed bH) I'm so worried!
How is this going to happen? I kind of wish my son can just go to work and forget about yeshiva. I'm feeling sick at the thought of it all.
What are we supposed to do?

amother

Navy

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 4:26 pm

Imamother will tell you to cut the vacations, eat only pareve food during the week and no more than chicken for Shabbos, take hand me downs, and drive for Uber at night.

For the worries and fears, trust in Hashem. For practical advice, I have no answers.

We are in a different situation but tuition is just as far out of reach.

amother

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 4:29 pm

amother Navy wrote:

That's why I'm feeling sick because I can't imagine drastically changing our way of life suddenly so that our son can go to a yeshiva that's suitable for him. He better do well there at least Very Happy

we're going have to give something up. I need my once every other week cleaning lady, but my weekly one for downstairs might have to go. But that's not going to make a dent, she only comes for 1.5 hours!

amother

Azalea

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 4:36 pm

Make a budget. A real hard budget and see what you can do. I get that you don't wanna change your lifestyle but you're gonna have to take a look at the numbers and make a choice.

amother

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 4:41 pm

amother Azalea wrote:

Make a budget. A real hard budget and see what you can do. I get that you don't wanna change your lifestyle but you're gonna have to take a look at the numbers and make a choice.

I know, dh said the same thing. It's so hard!
Next year we have another son starting yeshiva iyH, I can't help but worry.
We've had the luxury of buying the kids new clothes (not expensive, hardly Jewish stores) but still at least 2 new shabbos things each season. And weekday clothing etc.
I just don't understand how people get by.
We have a 'small' family by frum standards yet we still can't swing it. Then my friend who has a few more kids than us, and her dh is in kollel seem to manage fine.

wife101

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 4:46 pm

amother OP wrote:

Take it one child at a time. Now is the decision for this one. How can you make it work.
Is there a Rav you can talk to that would understand your situation and guide you if taking tzedaka is advisable in this situation?

amother

Black

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 4:49 pm

amother Navy wrote:

your 'imamother' as much as anybody else who posts.

I personally would say 'no' to specialized Yeshiva.

amother

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 4:53 pm

amother Black wrote:

your 'imamother' as much as anybody else who posts.

I personally would say 'no' to specialized Yeshiva.

He didn't get accepted into the one we wanted origionally due to not being suited for him.
So what should he do? He needs to be in a Jewish setting (not go to work) he's only 15.

amother

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 4:57 pm

My dh deals with the finances, so he said I should stop worrying, he'll sort it out when I told him the idea to ask for a reduction from the other schools. But then I wish he wouldn't have told me how much this new yeshiva is going to cost us. He knows I get anxious and worry a lot Sad

he's not going to want to lower his ego and ask for a reduction. I know him by now!

amother

Cantaloupe

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 4:58 pm

Honestly going on "fancy" vacations and taking tzedoko sounds a bit off..
First of all remember that in a few years hopefully you will have those boys working which will ease up your finances.
The kollel couple may look like they are managing but you have no idea if they are going into debt or who is supporting them.
You really need to sit down and see your budget. Then go from there

amother

Black

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 5:01 pm

amother OP wrote:

He didn't get accepted into the one we wanted origionally due to not being suited for him.
So what should he do? He needs to be in a Jewish setting (not go to work) he's only 15.

I don't know - just they way you describe it, you're paying for babysitting. (perhaps I'm just reacting to your vibe). It will be good... and worth the money!

amother

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 5:03 pm

amother Cantaloupe wrote:

We don't go on fancy vacations, and we'd cut down on everything drastically before taking Tzedokoh. I wasn't really being serious about the Tzedokoh bit, and hope it doesn't ever come to that chas vesholom, but it's definitely very scary to think about this huge new monthly expense.

amother

Eggplant

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 5:10 pm

Don't panic. There's a WhatsApp group "Daily Bitachon". If you listen to it then you will see that:
1. You'll feel totally calm.
2. You will see Hashem will send you the extra money you need.

Just mentioning it here cause it helped me so much.

amother

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 5:27 pm

amother Eggplant wrote:

Thanks. Funny because I just discussed with my dh what I can do about my worrying so much (also if ds will like it and do well there etc, he's not an easy child. Far from it) and he said maybe therapy, I said no way we can't pay for that as well 😂 so I said I'm going to try find time to read emuna books which is free because we have a few of Rabbi David Ashear books at home.
Good bye I'm a mother, hello Emuna and Bitachon Confused

PinkFridge

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 5:57 pm

Are they willing to give you a discount? There are people who really want to invest in these kids.
What can you give to the school besides money? Do you think you'll be able to make it up to them at some point?
I would speak to a rav.
You don't have to start taking fifteen different jobs. Do you have to scale things back a little? Just a little? Idk.
Hatzlacha and may this zman be wonderful and lead to more. Nachas from all your children.

BTW, if you're going to ask any of your other children's schools for a discount, I might start with the school(s) said son went to, who have already invested in your children.

Chayalle

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 6:07 pm

Definitely ask for discounts where you can. I also want to say that some of these costs are temporary. I've been there, paying more than I could afford for a while, and then it tempered off (they graduated) and I paid things off and got out of tuition debt (I only have one left in school. Now it's going to be weddings....)

amother

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 6:12 pm

Chayalle wrote:

For boys it's not as temporary as for girls (I mean, we hope and daven that they want to stay in yeshiva long term, until they're married,or as long as possible) but it comes at a huge price. A girl has seminary but then they work and earn money!
But yeah weddings are huge and we definitely can't save for them at the moment, if ever now! It's bar mitzvah's that we're trying to save now for the next one iyH. Boys are way more expensive than girls imo. Then again my only daughter is still little, but I still think that's the case.

amother

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 6:15 pm

PinkFridge wrote:

We hope they'll reduce the asking price some what, but even lower will be a struggle. My dh is waiting for them to get back to him.

amother

Tue, Aug 15 2023, 6:16 pm

PinkFridge wrote:

Amein to your Brochoh's!