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Michelle123
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 Wed, Sep 06 2023, 10:10 am
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Move to a small out of town community.
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ybarees
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Wed, Sep 06 2023, 10:19 am
This thread has become a weight related one…
Just want to put out there how admirable it is for the original poster that she chose this life. There is a lot of beauty to it (as I’m sure you realize). With any contained or insular community, there are always nuances and accepted practices that someone coming in from outside won’t necessarily know. Lakewood, in particular, is very conforming. It always has been (albeit less related to keeping up with others with gashmiyas related items, and more with a way of living life). If you do have a hard time with that, it’s a very hard place to live. If you feel that conforming is too much pressure, then either “you do you”, or leave. I will tell you that most kids suffer when parents don’t conform- at least to an extent. They feel like they don’t fit it and weird. In out of town communities, it is much easier to not conform. That is how it’s always been. Wishing you the best of luck!
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Reality
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Wed, Sep 06 2023, 3:02 pm
| amother Oldlace wrote: | | It's super hard to take responsibility for one's food choices and exercise habits. Way easier to mock a thin person for having an "eating disorder ". |
Hey, I was accused of being an obese binge eater by the super kind "thin, exercise people" for the sin of confusing which amother wrote she drank coffee all day.
Many of the things people are writing are symptoms of disordered eating. I am saying this as a woman who works out 4 times a week and who eats three balanced meals a day and being healthy and fit is important to me. Extremes are not healthy, the middle road is the golden path.
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Reality
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Wed, Sep 06 2023, 3:05 pm
| amother Molasses wrote: | I find it hilarious to see people cruelly commenting and mocking someone because they're skinny but if someone did the same thing to someone else because they were overweight, oh boy.
I'm quite curious to know the size of every person mocking her and what their regular diet is and their exercise routine. |
I see I should have quoted you instead of the other poster.
It really is very hard to keep all the amothers straight even with colors.
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amother
OP
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Wed, Sep 06 2023, 3:06 pm
| Reality wrote: | Hey, I was accused of being an obese binge eater by the super kind "thin, exercise people" for the sin of confusing which amother wrote she drank coffee all day.
Many of the things people are writing are symptoms of disordered eating. I am saying this as a woman who works out 4 times a week and who eats three balanced meals a day and being healthy and fit is important to me. Extremes are not healthy, the middle road is the golden path. | . Extremes are yes unhealthy, and anorexia really kills. Again, I stated that I didn't care my body as long as my married life happens. In secular world, we used to try to be "super hot" just because feeling zxy is a big value in secular culture (at least where I grew up). Now my honest question -do frum men find skinny women attractive same as non frum men? I thought skinny obsession is for teenagers, well, adults like all sort of other adults bodies......And if women know that their husbands (if they keep halacha) wont probably be with any other lady, and won't stare at her -why is the body value so big among frum women?I was afraid to go to the beach when secular and 16 y old, bc what if someone sees a little fat I had (and I was skinny with my almost 6 ft height then). But frum women all cover their bodies. .....am I naive again?aren't women the ones who impose these stuff on women? And for who are they trying to be skinny -for themselves, or men? I really don't care what other women think of me, however I would like to feel I am still attractive as I used to be for men when secular, but I limit it to husband now...it's kind of even impossible to be *zxy* for other men, bc tzniyus and not something I should be seeking, and in general aveira sort of. So -for who is everyone stressing themselves about their body?if you can't rly expose it, have to wear not skin tight clothes,cover all attractive parts -why people care extra pounds? We cared ,bc we wore mini skirts and very short open dresses....but you can't really do it here, and can't hang out with men, none even sees you by the chasuna or event. Sort of shouldn't halacha make people more chilled about weight because it limits other sort of interactions to the point that none even will ever see your perfect body. I know people whose mother in law obsesses about weight, but -its pathetic to stress for the MIL. 
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Reality
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Wed, Sep 06 2023, 3:49 pm
OP, a lot of it is for other women. The majority of men want their wife to have a figure. They don't care if it's perfect or not. Women drive themselves crazy and most men don't know the difference! I know there are exceptions but that's what they are, exceptions. And I feel sorry for their wives because they really suffer.
Unfortunately, too much secular garbage has infiltrated frum society. You need to find your crowd so you can block out the silliness and rediscover the Judaism that attracted you once upon a time.
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naturalmom5
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Fri, Sep 08 2023, 4:25 pm
| amother OP wrote: | Okay, I need chizuk (I guess) or enlightenment -what am I doing wrong? How do people live in Lakewood and what I did wrong in my life.
A little background - I am a BT, and when I became frum, I was very much into "kollel lifestyle", learning for life values etc. Also, I had zero experience with babies (no siblings in my family) and no idea about what frum lifestyle in practice is (and also I had no clue how money works). My husband is also BT, and he was in general opposed to idea of earning a lot and wanted to learn ....then we came to Lakewood.
Nowadays :
My husband works, I work pt, we do have bh 5 kids. (Not sure how I got to this point,... but I can't even imagine some people for real can manage with more! Maybe it's summer, ...but they don't stop having needs....and -jist imagine that Hashem is providing for 9 billion people in the world? I can't even do it for my 5.
Together we earn around 110k. Own a small house that we bought before mortgages went up, I pay less than 2 k for it.
But- how do people do it?for real!
Have 5+-10 kids and look so skinny?(I have extra 60 lbs from when got married)
Earn so much money (reading on imamother Abt people earning 250-300k and up up).
Manage to combine those high paying jobs (I assume demanding) and family?
Pay tuition and babysitter for their big families (*babysitters who now charge in Lakewood 7$ per hour taking 10-15 babies themselves).
I am drowning with my kids. Drowning with my 20 hr a week job (plus carpool). Drowning to meet everyone's needs. Bh, it's busy-busy.
Then, I see people :
*Dressed so nicely and put together on regular Sunday (clothing went up in stores! Postpartum nothing fit on me, I needed whole new wardrobe -it adds up! Tried to buy cheapest...)I feel that as much as I try, people around me are dressed much more better and fancier. Even high school kids.
*She is a Morah and he is in kollel-,they buy a 700-800k house.
Etc etc etc.
What am I doing wrong??? |
YOU GOT SHANG CHAIED IN LAKEWOOD
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zohara568
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Fri, Sep 08 2023, 4:48 pm
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I’m up about 3 sizes one month post partum- and there is no money for a new wardrobe. I use the community clothing gemach, and my shul does clothing exchange programs. I do have to pack up my old skirts- they will never fit again- and I’m sure some teen in the community would love them.
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naturalmom5
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Fri, Sep 08 2023, 5:50 pm
| amother DarkRed wrote: | | FFB. I did not and could not have 10 children. (I have less than 6) This does not have anything to do with BT and FFB. It's personality. You might have learned different things if you have siblings, If you are the oldest,If you are the youngest, If you are the sandwich child. This is all Hashgocha Pratis. |
AND many of these large families let all their children run wild and undisciplined
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amother
Pink
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Sat, Sep 09 2023, 3:20 pm
| amother OP wrote: | | . Extremes are yes unhealthy, and anorexia really kills. Again, I stated that I didn't care my body as long as my married life happens. In secular world, we used to try to be "super hot" just because feeling zxy is a big value in secular culture (at least where I grew up). Now my honest question -do frum men find skinny women attractive same as non frum men? I thought skinny obsession is for teenagers, well, adults like all sort of other adults bodies......And if women know that their husbands (if they keep halacha) wont probably be with any other lady, and won't stare at her -why is the body value so big among frum women?I was afraid to go to the beach when secular and 16 y old, bc what if someone sees a little fat I had (and I was skinny with my almost 6 ft height then). But frum women all cover their bodies. .....am I naive again?aren't women the ones who impose these stuff on women? And for who are they trying to be skinny -for themselves, or men? I really don't care what other women think of me, however I would like to feel I am still attractive as I used to be for men when secular, but I limit it to husband now...it's kind of even impossible to be *zxy* for other men, bc tzniyus and not something I should be seeking, and in general aveira sort of. So -for who is everyone stressing themselves about their body?if you can't rly expose it, have to wear not skin tight clothes,cover all attractive parts -why people care extra pounds? We cared ,bc we wore mini skirts and very short open dresses....but you can't really do it here, and can't hang out with men, none even sees you by the chasuna or event. Sort of shouldn't halacha make people more chilled about weight because it limits other sort of interactions to the point that none even will ever see your perfect body. I know people whose mother in law obsesses about weight, but -its pathetic to stress for the MIL. |
It's honestly not about men but about women. It has nothing whatsoever to do with tznius however hard people try to convince themselves.
You see for yourself that you are comparing yourself to other women not worrying that your husband won't love you. You feel bad that other women are skinny, dressed to the nines etc. You're not worried that your husband may be noticing them. You're not worried that he doesn't appreciate you.
The problem is very simply peer pressure. Many frum communities, as part of identifying as part of the community, try too hard to fit in.
So the solution is either to realize that and put it behind you - I promise you, no one is looking down on you. They may even be relieved to discover one woman who is normal and not stressed out. You may even save other women from feeling that stress. Or you can move to a place with less peer pressure.
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