Shachris at School- DS has ADHD

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Forum -> Parenting our children

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amother

Thu, Sep 14 2023, 8:19 am

My son has ADHD and is on medication. It has helped his school life tremendously. This year he began shachris and it doesn't seem to be working.
I think last year his rebbi would divide davening into two parts, would allow him to fidget in his seat etc.
This year it's in the school beis medrash, at one time, I think too long for him to handle, and probably has to really 'behave'.
He keeps saying he can't go to shachris
Has anyone had this, and have any advice as to what I can try to present to the school?

amother

Molasses

Thu, Sep 14 2023, 8:24 am

How old is he and how long is their shacharis minyan?

amother

Wheat

Thu, Sep 14 2023, 8:34 am

Options to talk to the school about:

1) If they start from brachos, maybe have him show up just before barchu. Some regular shul minyanim publish barchu time, and the men come whenever they need to be ready for that. He would need to commit to and realistically do everything else on his own, or get there a bit earlier and do it quickly.
2) Plan in a break. Maybe he goes quickly or davens as you would if you're late and skips som things so he finishes before barchu with enough time to take a walk around for five or ten minutes and go back. But he has to be able to be back in time.
3) Have him at a standing shtender. Let him move as needed.

Do they get a breakfast break in between davening and class?

amother

Thu, Sep 14 2023, 8:36 am

He's 10 1/2. I'm not entirely sure. It's hard because in the beginning of the year administration is inundated so I can't really bother them. I wonder if they have ideas, he can't be the first...

amother

Thu, Sep 14 2023, 8:39 am

amother Wheat wrote:

I give him breakfast at home (um, I mean for the bus), and they give breakfast, but he doesn't like it.
So he arrives with the bus, but maybe telling him to daven on his own to a certain part so it's at his pace, then he gets an x minute break and come back and end with them? (I'm not sure if they'll agree because other kids will get jealous and complain.) Also, I love him, but he's a sneak. He'll skip whatever he could and not because he can't do it, just because it's how he operates with everything.

mha3484

Thu, Sep 14 2023, 8:40 am

When my son started with school minyan in 6th grade the hanhala made it very clear that if your son is not ready to daven with the school minyan to please talk to them. You dont want your son to develop long term negativity with davening. Talk to the school they likely have dealt with this many times.

mha3484

Thu, Sep 14 2023, 8:41 am

amother OP wrote:

He's 10 1/2. I'm not entirely sure. It's hard because in the beginning of the year administration is inundated so I can't really bother them. I wonder if they have ideas, he can't be the first...

This is very young. My son was 11 turning 12 when he started with minyan and found it very hard. For a boy that age I would not push him. His bar mitzvah is not for 2 plus years.

amother

Thu, Sep 14 2023, 8:43 am

mha3484 wrote:

This is very young. My son was 11 turning 12 when he started with minyan and found it very hard. For a boy that age I would not push him. His bar mitzvah is not for 2 plus years.

Yes, he skipped a grade. The issue here though is actually his ADHD and my heart breaks for him. I'll call the school after succos. Till then there aren't many shachris days anyway. And I'll let my son know that I will see what I can do so that he knows.

amother

Thu, Sep 14 2023, 8:44 am

mha3484 wrote:

This is very young. My son was 11 turning 12 when he started with minyan and found it very hard. For a boy that age I would not push him. His bar mitzvah is not for 2 plus years.

That's literally what he said. He's like my class will be bar mitzvah next year, but like what do I need this for now...

amother

Blueberry

Thu, Sep 14 2023, 8:45 am

mha3484 wrote:

You're assuming the school is ready to help out or at least accommodate.
Op does your school want to make things work for all students or do they just want everyone to toe the line and keep quiet?

amother

RosePink

Thu, Sep 14 2023, 8:46 am

Is it an option for him to daven shachris in a shul with your husband and then join his class later?

mha3484

Thu, Sep 14 2023, 8:48 am

amother Blueberry wrote:

You're assuming the school is ready to help out or at least accommodate.
Op does your school want to make things work for all students or do they just want everyone to toe the line and keep quiet?

Maybe I am lucky but my son said there were a decent amount of boys in 6th who did not go or started going later on in the year. Now he is in 7th and the boys go. There is a lot of mesivta pressure this year and they are turning bar mitzvah but 6th is different.

amother

Canary

Thu, Sep 14 2023, 8:54 am

My adhd son did not start going to shacharis minyan until 7th grade (but did go for mincha minyan starting in 6th). They allowed him to daven with the grade behind him until he was ready for full shacharis minyan. Much better than forcing something that's a clear and obvious struggle.

AlwaysGrateful

Thu, Sep 14 2023, 10:35 am

At that age they usually give kids more freedom (and responsibility). I would speak with his rebbe, if you're nervous about talking to the admin, and tell him that you'd like to give your son permission to take a break partway through davening (I don't know what they daven, but he can go out for karbanos or something) and it can look like a bathroom break.

I'd also speak with your son and ask him to brainstorm ideas with you that he thinks would help. You want him to know that you understand and are on his team. And that you realize that this has nothing to do with his desire to daven, and that you are proud of him for advocating for himself (with you, but still). In the long term, this is really the most important part.

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