Married dd wants no children ever.

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Forum -> Parenting our children

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amother

Mon, Sep 18 2023, 3:58 am

Bh she is happily married. She is taking bc for a while. I'm totally OK and never pressured or asked when. It's not even on our minds.. recently she said aloud she hopes to never have kids. I told her watch what you say, but she says everyone shares horrible labor stories and she is not doing it.. she doesn't want to discuss it further. I don't care if ìf she doesn't feel ready yet, I'm just afraid of her making that statement. She is only in low 20s....

amother

Nasturtium

Mon, Sep 18 2023, 4:12 am

Its something she will need to work thru with her husband, but I assume that as she gets older she will want a child - most people in our very child centered community do. Even in the secular world - people I know who where show they didnt want children in there 20's and early 30's flipped as they got closer to 40 and started to be able to see how lonely a childless life can be once you retire, and how fulfilling a family is even though it is hard.

I do think that as women we need to be more careful sharing our birth stories, I had a friend who went thru years of therapy because she is the youngest and only heard the horror of labor from her older sisters - without the amazing beautiful feeling of holding your child right after you give birth. When she did give birth she was surprised that while it was incredibly painful it was also incredibly beautiful and so worth it.

We have gone from the extreme of never talking about any difficulties to women before they go into it and then having them experience shock and horror when it is hard and painful and even traumatic - to only talking about the negativity and really scaring people of

DrMom

Mon, Sep 18 2023, 4:30 am

I think if the only reason she does not want kids is she is afraid of labor, then she may want to talk to a birthing coach or midwife. But that's really between her and her husband.

Raisin

Mon, Sep 18 2023, 5:22 am

She sounds a bit immature if that is the only reason.

Labour sounds much worse than it is. She probably imagines it is many hours of excruciating pain. Even without pain relief, it is not that. AND there are options: epidural, an elective C-section etc.

notshanarishona

Mon, Sep 18 2023, 5:24 am

I am sure she will change her mind with time, but really she shouldn’t be discussing with you. It should be between her husband and her therapist and herself.

amother

Camellia

Mon, Sep 18 2023, 5:36 am

notshanarishona wrote:

I am sure she will change her mind with time, but really she shouldn’t be discussing with you. It should be between her husband and her therapist and herself.

The mother didn’t bring it up the daughter did. I have two married kids and I always try to be a safe space if they want to speak to me. I would never bring up a sensitive topic, but if they want to speak to me and I want to be that person for them if that is what they want. In fact, they have told me that they are so grateful that they can speak to me about things. And I think it’s because I don’t put any pressure on them and if they choose not to speak to me and that is certainly OK too. We should definitely do what is best for them but to say that a child should not speak to a parent about something that’s important to them. It’s really unfortunate. But to answer the question I think that she could change her mind, but it would be probably very worthwhile for her to speak to a birthing coach, or a midwife or even a doctor that could calm her down about her fears. I think that’s definitely a real fear for a lot of women.

imasinger

Mon, Sep 18 2023, 6:03 am

"I can understand that it sounds overwhelming, but all I can say is, it was so worth it -- having you was one of the best things to happen in my life, and it's my fond wish that someday, you'll be ready to know that profound joy."

Raindropsonrose

Mon, Sep 18 2023, 6:28 am

Tokophobia (fear of labor and childbirth) is a real thing, and women struggle with it and are often pooh-poohed. I would recommend she finds a therapist who specializes in that, if that’s the reason she doesn’t want to have kids…

Busybee5

Mon, Sep 18 2023, 6:33 am

Pregnancy is way way worse than labour!
But anyway the joys don't come without the pain. Perhaps she'll realise on her own that she could do with therapy to prepare her if she's so put off.

Oh and wait for the bringing up bit! But most women have it in them to be a good mother. Once she has one, she'll want more I'm sure. And if she has 2 kids later in life its not a terrible thing. It can also be a sign of maturity that she knows that she's not ready for it yet. As long as her and her dh is happy nothing else matters. It just be hard for you as a mother though. Hugs!

Last edited by Busybee5 on Mon, Sep 18 2023, 6:36 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Lemonlime

Mon, Sep 18 2023, 6:35 am

Honestly? I was terrified of becoming a mother. I didn't think I would conceive right away or I wouldn't have started trying right away. I think it's much better to wait a few years then to do it just because society dictates. Let her have a baby when she feels ready. If she is early 20's she might not be ready. Most girls I meet really aren't. Mommy has to help or a nurse and they seem uninterested and/lost/overwhelmed. The people who have kids later seem much happier.

amother

Slateblue

Mon, Sep 18 2023, 7:17 am

She’s still very young. She and her husband will figure out what’s best for them.

amother

Dustypink

Mon, Sep 18 2023, 7:27 am

Raisin wrote:

It was for me.

amother

Jade

Mon, Sep 18 2023, 7:31 am

Raindropsonrose wrote:

I have a friend like this. She is an older single and terrified of childbirth. Ive noticed she dates men who already have kids...though this may be subconscious...

DVOM

Mon, Sep 18 2023, 7:31 am

Life is long. Your daughter in her 20s may not want kids ever, but chances are, with loving acceptance and no pressure, that will change as she reaches her 30s and 40s.

amother

Daylily

Mon, Sep 18 2023, 7:37 am

DVOM wrote:

Life is long. Your daughter in her 20s may not want kids ever, but chances are, with loving acceptance and no pressure, that will change as she reaches her 30s and 40s.

…or even her mid-20’s, maybe.

amother

Clover

Mon, Sep 18 2023, 7:56 am

amother Camellia wrote:

Not to derail the thread, but would you mind to explain how you are a safe place for your older kids? What is it about your responses that make them want to confide in you? Maybe I'll start a spin off.

care4u

Mon, Sep 18 2023, 8:17 am

Kids say a lot of things. Yes, she's a kid. If she ever said something like that to me I would say something like, well, luckily for most women it's nothing like that and there are wonderful pain relief options that make it almost painless and regardless, the joy and wonder of having children make every single minute worth it.

amother

Turquoise

Mon, Sep 18 2023, 8:23 am

She’s hearing this from the wrong people
She can speak to me- I look forward to labor my entire pregnancy. I don’t take an epidural or anything, I just love labor! It’s the most beautiful time of connection!
I completely understand that You aren’t as concerned about the fact that she doesn’t want kids now, your concerned about her not EVER wanting kids
That’s a very unusual statement to make in our community. I can’t understand it, as I’ve wanted kids so badly since before I could remember.
She probably should work this out in therapy

amother

Forsythia

Mon, Sep 18 2023, 8:25 am

amother Turquoise wrote:

I don’t think she’s abnormal. If anything, I find your feelings more unusual. Not wrong, just unusual.

amother

Purple

Mon, Sep 18 2023, 8:44 am

And, not to derail the thread, but can I just say that I find labor which is extremely painful, to be the easiest part of the entire pregnancy? It's the nine months prior to that that I dread.
The nausea, exhaustion etc.
I always find it so funny when people dread the labor. For me it means it's the end of a really long year.

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