Married dd wants no children ever.

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Forum -> Parenting our children

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amother

Blush

Mon, Sep 18 2023, 11:56 am

amother OP wrote:

I doubt she will want to address it. She told me "I'm not having, and end of story". I told her that's OK. Just don't say it.
She wasn't interested to hear that it's really rewarding, or not as bad as some make it out to be.

Better she is honest that she doesn’t want to have children than she has a bunch out of pressure and dislikes/is overwhelmed with motherhood. Plenty of posts by women in this situation on here.

amother

Blush

Mon, Sep 18 2023, 12:03 pm

amother Magnolia wrote:

She’s young. This is how she feels now and that’s fine. I had kids younger than I should have and it’s been miserable tbh.

With time, baby fever may kick in. Don’t stress about the future. When she’s in her upper thirties and reaching the end of her fertile window, you can try discussing it more. For now, let her enjoy her life and choices stress free.

Not everyone experiences “baby fever” - I know of at least one woman who never did in her 20s, 30s, 40s and still doesn’t now she is in her 50s. Imagine what it is like for someone like that becoming a mother.

amother

Mon, Sep 18 2023, 12:20 pm

amother Blush wrote:

Why are you afraid? If she doesn’t want kids, that is her choice. We may be brought up with Pru Urvu and I understand you may be disappointed not to be a grandparent. But I wish there was more tolerance for those that want to be child free. Whatever you think of this issue, it is her choice not yours.

Did you miss my post? I never wrote about being a grandparent or pru urvu. I'm afraid of her saying these things out loud (words can have an affect) on something so sensitive that she may wish for one day.

amother

Blush

Mon, Sep 18 2023, 12:56 pm

amother OP wrote:

I didn’t miss your post but I don’t see the issue with her expressing this out loud. 🤷🏻‍♀️

amother

Mon, Sep 18 2023, 1:11 pm

amother Blush wrote:

I didn’t miss your post but I don’t see the issue with her expressing this out loud. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Its one thing if you think it. Expressing nervousness or worry is different than saying out loud (in front of fam members) "I am never having."

But you might not get it.

B'Siyata DiShamaya

Mon, Sep 18 2023, 1:15 pm

amother OP wrote:

Bh she is happily married. She is taking bc for a while. I'm totally OK and never pressured or asked when. It's not even on our minds.. recently she said aloud she hopes to never have kids. I told her watch what you say, but she says everyone shares horrible labor stories and she is not doing it.. she doesn't want to discuss it further. I don't care if ìf she doesn't feel ready yet, I'm just afraid of her making that statement. She is only in low 20s....

Leave her alone. Let her vent. We all say (stupid) things... I know many women who said the same thing and 5 kids later....
Are you the same person you were at her age?
You could try to get people to share positive and happy experiences with having children. Or allow her to work through her fears. Or just let her husband do that and their marriage will be stronger for it.

mushkamothers

Mon, Sep 18 2023, 1:19 pm

amother OP wrote:

First of all, I didn't bring it up. She said it.
Secondly, she knows that I loved having kids. She is not exactly me (and I don't expect her to be)
She even told me all those people that say they struggled when they have 3 little ones close together, appreciate it when they are older bc they have each others...She is not interested to hear that... The bottom line is she knows it's hard, and doesn't want to go through it.
I tell her that she also feared getting married and is actually very happy. It doesn't mean she will have experiences like her friends..
She knows about epidural, etc. She knows everything has side effects.
I guess she will outgrow it, bc as a young girl she said she was never going to a Dr, and she did. I'm just afraid of her making such a scary statement out loud. (I am not ever having kids) I tell her be careful what you wish for, just don't say it. She sees no big deal in saying it.

I'd find your response invalidating. She's expressing something whether she knows what she means or not. It could be as simple as, I'm afraid of labor. It could be as deep as, I'm worried I don't have maternal instinct and won't have it in me to nurture my children especially because I am so different from my mother.

It doesn't really matter. Just like she said I'm never going to the doctor... or like kids say I'm never going to camp, I'm never going to work in this field, whatever... you say okay and you either discuss or you don't.

You're putting your own anxieties onto her. Ayin hara only works if you believe in it. She doesn't and she doesn't care to express herself that way. Maybe she even secretly works it does work exactly like that- if only she could will it away with words.

Either way she needs validation and acceptance not lectures about what to say and believe.

amother

Obsidian

Mon, Sep 18 2023, 1:22 pm

It's interesting that she's choosing OCP over tubal ligation. That makes me think she's leaving her options open.

bebrave

Mon, Sep 18 2023, 1:27 pm

I'm thinking something totally different but might be completely wrong. I'm wondering what her SB is like and if she feels comfortable with her DH. Could be her not wanting kids is not even relevant for now. Either way as a mum, all you can really do is be there as a support and a listening ear. It's not easy

amother

Blush

Mon, Sep 18 2023, 1:38 pm

amother OP wrote:

Its one thing if you think it. Expressing nervousness or worry is different than saying out loud (in front of fam members) "I am never having."

But you might not get it.

I don’t get what the problem is, you are right. I said that for years myself and I meant it.

amother

Chartreuse

Mon, Sep 18 2023, 4:13 pm

amother OP wrote:

Hashem is not going to punish her for having insecurities. Please don't give her any extra stress by brining up your (unfounded) worries with her. Yes, our words have koach, and it's good to be mindful, but not to have prolonged fear over words that are said. They're just words in the end.

amother

Daphne

Mon, Sep 18 2023, 6:42 pm

amother OP wrote:

Its one thing if you think it. Expressing nervousness or worry is different than saying out loud (in front of fam members) "I am never having."

But you might not get it.

Op, I understand where you’re coming from. Al tiftach peh la satan…

amother

Red

Mon, Sep 18 2023, 7:27 pm

amother Obsidian wrote:

It's interesting that she's choosing OCP over tubal ligation. That makes me think she's leaving her options open.

I'm sure tubal ligation never crossed her mind... and MD's aren't presenting that as an option, unprompted.

amother

Dustypink

Mon, Sep 18 2023, 8:08 pm

Raisin wrote:

oh, that sounds awful! I am sorry. I wonder how common that is though?

I remember before I had children I assumed every women in the world just went through hours/days of constant pain. Bh for most women that is not true.

Halevai I should have an easier labor with my next kid and get to experience the type of labor you’re describing! Due in a couple months bezH.

OP, you sound like a really caring and supportive mom, and your DD is fortunate to have you.

amother

Mimosa

Mon, Sep 18 2023, 8:51 pm

Raisin wrote:

She sounds a bit immature if that is the only reason.

Labour sounds much worse than it is. She probably imagines it is many hours of excruciating pain. Even without pain relief, it is not that. AND there are options: epidural, an elective C-section etc.

I have a few WEEKS of excruciating pain. Braxton hicks that feel like the real thing…not constant but often enough.

amother

Forsythia

Mon, Sep 18 2023, 9:07 pm

amother Purple wrote:

And, not to derail the thread, but can I just say that I find labor which is extremely painful, to be the easiest part of the entire pregnancy? It's the nine months prior to that that I dread.
The nausea, exhaustion etc.
I always find it so funny when people dread the labor. For me it means it's the end of a really long year.

I dreaded labor because of the pain but also because even though it’s amazing to meet your baby, postpartum time is really hard for me, harder than pregnancy.

Ma3

Mon, Sep 18 2023, 11:56 pm

Words do carry weight but sometimes people say things without thinking, it’s just their fears talking. It seams your daughter is overall a more anxious person. Hashem knows she’s saying it because she’s nervous and scared. I wouldn’t worry about it. You can just continue being the loving and supportive mother you already are and be there for her if she reaches out to you in overcoming her insecurities. Like other posters said, she might need therapy , but that’s her decision if and when she feels ready for it.

Just like she passed the marriage hurdle, iyh hopefully one day you’ll be hugging her children while she laughs about the days she was so scared to think of having kids at all!!

Words that count a lot, are tefillah. I believe as mothers the best thing we can do for our children is daven that they find the strength to overcome their challenges.

amother

Cornsilk

Tue, Sep 19 2023, 1:09 am

I was the same way, I never imagined myself having kids. I don’t have much patience and didn’t want to be tied down… besides for the fact I was terrified of pregnancy and labor. After a few years of marriage I suddenly felt more mature and settled and I noticed all my friends having kids and it just clicked for me that it was a matter of it being the right time. Bh I have a few kids now and I cannot be happier with my decision. OP there’s hope Very Happy

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