This month is making me doubt my ability to be frum

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Forum -> Parenting our children

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amother

Tue, Sep 19 2023, 3:30 pm

What does hashem want?

My kids need school and routine, I have 3 young kids (4 and under). They seem to be a lot harder than what I see around me. Never play on their own/ always need to be actively watched and entertained. my kids pull each others hair out, poke each other, sit on the 6 month old
The oldest is a wild boy that struggles with self regulation.

Oh and they basically don’t sleep- bedtime takes hours and there’s multiple night wakings each night. I am exhausted always and my husband splits with me so he usually is as well. He’ll watch them for about an hour in the am for me to sleep.

It makes me sad because on a regular day they go out for a few hours and the afternoon is mostly ok- I’ll take them out to play/ for a walk, I have a mothers helper play with the baby while I bathe the bigger ones etc.

RH was beyond horrible, fight after fight and that’s with the break of taking them to shul and out for seudos + one visit (those all take energy but they are engaged and we all enjoy). I was faint by the end of the day and my husband didn’t go to any evening refills (incredibly embarrassing and frustrating…)

How in the world will I survive Yom Kippur?

I am dreading every day of sukkos as well. My kids and I are literally coming apart at the seams. I potched my big one 3 TIMES over RH. It happened maybe twice before in his entire life.

My middle one has been toilet trained, had 2 accidents over yt.

And yes I know about BC, not the point here and things were not this hard when I got pregnant.

I obviously also get in zero davening and feel no connection to yt other than being incredibly grateful to god that these are my challenges and davening for more koach.

I just don’t know how to fast and I don’t know- will my kids complain they were abused and raised in absolute chaos just in the name of religion?

amother

Charcoal

Tue, Sep 19 2023, 3:33 pm

Your kids sound normal, you’re just not used to being with them full time. 3 under 4 is a lot to handle. Remember your big one is still a baby please don’t hit him.

dena613

Tue, Sep 19 2023, 3:35 pm

Sounds really tough
Would you like us to help you brainstorm solutions?
Because I have some ideas.

amother

Snow

Tue, Sep 19 2023, 3:36 pm

Can you find a teenager to help you yom Kippur?
Your oldest is ok on a schedule
Or needs some help?
Did they eat more junk than usual?

amother

Feverfew

Tue, Sep 19 2023, 3:49 pm

You need to come in very prepared. Lots of snacks and real food so they aren't hungry, planned activities. I buy some new toys for Yom Kippur to help keep kids interested (even if I am playing with them, it's easier).

Many women get a 11-12 year old girl (who isn't necessarily ready to be in shul davening all day) to come help with the kids on Yom Kippur.

Not sure what this has to do with being frum, though. All schools have days off, and unstructured days are very challenging with young children.

amother

Tue, Sep 19 2023, 3:49 pm

dena613 wrote:

Sounds really tough
Would you like us to help you brainstorm solutions?
Because I have some ideas.

Would love ideas but FTR I have been actively working to troubleshoot.

Some things we tried - melatonin, charts, prizes, I basically have a sensory gym in my basement.

The only thing that seems to work is to divide them but it’s not sustainable.

amother

Tue, Sep 19 2023, 3:53 pm

amother Feverfew wrote:

Because I love other days off! we go on trips, big and small, the zoo the grocery etc. they really arent that bad when they have structure and get out, I enjoy them, we struggle with bedtime and there’s harder moments but it’s not a whole day of spiraling -few moments of relative peace and boom again.

I don’t get sleep but I am not fasting above my usual exhaustion! (tisha baav I had to break by chatzos I just couldn’t ).

Tried finding a young girl and couldn’t . I have one scheduled play date and cleaning help for some of the day.

amother

Azure

Tue, Sep 19 2023, 3:58 pm

You are feeling very overwhelmed. But you can get a hang of things.

First of all, have you considered a therapist for yourself? Or at least a parenting coach with real credentials?Custom guidance for a few months can make a world of a difference.

Your problem isn't religion. Its being overwhelmed by your job of mother.

Hashem right now wants you to parent the next generation, that is your task. Put spiritual on hold for 20 years. Your raising them is spiritual. No guilt. Sing model ani with your kids. That might be the extent of tefila for now.

Regarding yom Kippur, when mine were the ages you have I was a horrible faster. Prepare all the kids meals individually ready to grab and go from the fridge for the entire time. No food prep should be left for the day.

Make sukkos about your kids, not adults. Pre plan family quality time. All kids need is a fun new park to run around. Or a farm. Or a beach. Let them get tired running all day. The active oldest one who gets the trouble started needs to get his energy out.

amother

Tue, Sep 19 2023, 4:13 pm

amother Azure wrote:

I am in therapy and looking for reccs if anyone has parenting coach they can vouch for.

I have no problem understanding this is what hashem wants from me, I just could use some time to reconnect for myself.

But also, we are really ok and happy most day! Even shabbos is bh wonderful usually.

How am I going to a farm or a beach on yt? I have no issue with chol hamoed except for how dysregulated we may all be post yt.

Could be rh was a one off but I really think we are just miserable being at home all day.

amother

Tue, Sep 19 2023, 4:25 pm

Btw don’t want to sound like I’m shooting down ideas. I really want to hear if there’s anything practical ppl found works in this situation. Specifically about the hitting ( I’m not that op but similar to the aggressive toddler thread, my kids don’t hit to fight they think it’s funny?? Entertaining?? But it’s really not safe)

dena613

Tue, Sep 19 2023, 4:27 pm

Do you have an eruv you use?

Schedule visits from friends who have kids for this to play with, or go visit those friends.

Try to build breaks into your schedule when your husband takes over.

Try to have scheduled snacks, lunch, supper, etc.

Try to rotate games and pull out games that you haven't played with for a few months
Like magna tiles and clicks. They are more exciting when you haven't played with them since shavuos

amother

Tangerine

Tue, Sep 19 2023, 4:34 pm

You need to create the structure. And stop the play while they're still happy and before they get bored. And do a different activity. Alternate between quiet and active play interspersed with food breaks.

amother

Tue, Sep 19 2023, 4:50 pm

amother Tangerine wrote:

So this (almost always) works for an hour or so of play. But I’m not sure how to conjure the energy for this when fasting! I’m a terrible faster + I’m ebf my 6 month old, he doesn’t take bottles.

It’s an also what we will do from 7- 9 let’s say. The days is incredibly long! I plan to serve them a whole seuda so that they are full and it will pass time (challah/ dips/ fake kiddush) around noon.

amother

Brunette

Tue, Sep 19 2023, 5:02 pm

amother OP wrote:

Sukkos you will take them out. Yk is low energy but sukkos you will go count sukkas, find the nicest ones, go to a park etc.

Regarding yk, will you have breakfast at 8? Noon is late for real food.
I have a 4.5 year old and I'm an my max with him too. No newborn here now, but he practicaly sits on my 1 year olds head too.
You can make a chulent for supper if your kids like that. Or breaded cutlets is ok room temp. Noodles too. Take them out an hour before.

Hard boiled eggs, yogurt pouches, cereal. Make sure your house is stocked.
Do they like books? Mitzva kinder makes beautiful laminated pages that keep the kids very occupied. You can read a little and they can do the pictures alone as well.

amother

Plum

Tue, Sep 19 2023, 5:05 pm

Sounds like you burn out fast and the kids feed off of it. Can your husband take a shift, take them on a walk or to the park while you nap for an hour or two?

amother

Garnet

Tue, Sep 19 2023, 5:10 pm

amother OP wrote:

[u]

You start by asking what hashem wants from you. You seem to be suggesting that you're trying your best to have a meaningful RH and YK but your little kids have other ideas.

It seems like you're still in the mode that things should make sense. You're doing your part so why won't hashem make things fall into place? Unfortunately, things don't work that way. Many are in a situation where they can reasonably ask "what does hashem want"?

amother

Salmon

Tue, Sep 19 2023, 5:16 pm

Have you tried the Toronto kollel fasting pills? They are incredibly helpful

amother

Tue, Sep 19 2023, 5:44 pm

amother Plum wrote:

Sounds like you burn out fast and the kids feed off of it. Can your husband take a shift, take them on a walk or to the park while you nap for an hour or two?

Lol. My husband has ADHD and lasts minutes unless they are out of the house. He’s great with trips/ outings.

I really don’t think I burn out fast, I’m generally mellow and patient. I potched him when he had a full handful of my hair and was pulling, wouldn’t let go and I couldn’t get him off me any other way … it was horrible all around, I said sorry and explained that I was just in incredible pain. It was an unusually aggressive move on his end. He usually kicks adults/ smacks the baby.

I’m not a good faster though so I’ll be napping when the lady can be with the baby and he will watch the kids.

I assume we’ll survive. I just don’t get the point and feel bad for my kids that are set up for failure.

amother

Tue, Sep 19 2023, 5:46 pm

amother Salmon wrote:

Have you tried the Toronto kollel fasting pills? They are incredibly helpful

Yes. I mostly suffer from the dehydration (started with two extra gatorades today) and had a terrible experience with IV in the past so that’s not an option even if it would somehow be available.

amother

Tue, Sep 19 2023, 5:48 pm

amother Brunette wrote:

Yes they have breakfast right away (I wash their hands and they go to their little table, I always prep cereal night before and they add milk) breakfast is usually calm)

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