I feel rotten right now

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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother

Tue, Sep 19 2023, 9:44 pm

ESP Cz it aeres yimai tshuvah

Even thought I shouldn’t feel rotten, I do

I’m in bed. I go to bed early. I start my day very early & am very busy job.

Just got a call from my sis in law asking if im uo to having over her son, dil & 2 kids. They are on their way to visit a sick relative.
But they could have called me hours ago and I would have prepped the room.

I said no. I’m in bed & they will be here in an hour. They live 5’hours drive a way. So they realy could have called me.

They are staying at someone else’s house at the end. I guess someone else who takes innstrangers
Last min, not like me who
Doesn’t even take in a family.

But it’s sooooo last min! & I’m exhausted from Yom Tov ! & I have sich a hard job to go to every day!
I feel Awful. Am I awful??

amother

Tue, Sep 19 2023, 9:46 pm

Reading over my post I feel even worse.
Why can’t I be more flexible ?

alwayssmiling

Tue, Sep 19 2023, 9:47 pm

You're not awful.
It's not a surprise to them that they needed some place to sleep tonight, they should have let you know way before.

behappy2

Tue, Sep 19 2023, 9:48 pm

Nobody can know how hard it is for you. It's ok to be limited in what you can do.

B'Syata D'Shmya

Tue, Sep 19 2023, 9:49 pm

amother OP wrote:

If you are not feeling up to it and need to rest, then you have my permission to say, I cant this time. Asking last minute is a risk they took.
I know if you could have, you would have been happy to host.

amother

Tue, Sep 19 2023, 9:49 pm

I did apologize. But still. What people do for their family ….

amother

Tuberose

Tue, Sep 19 2023, 9:52 pm

Let it go
It wasn’t meant to be
They have where to stay
Hashem Is In Charge
If you want you can let her know you were sorry it didn’t work and please give as much advance notice as possible or you were glad it worked out or something
But you don’t have to
It’s done and doesn’t need to be a whole big deal
If applicable you can send them something or help in another way

amother

Tue, Sep 19 2023, 9:54 pm

amother Tuberose wrote:

Thx. Your post means a lot. You’re right

amother

Tuberose

Tue, Sep 19 2023, 9:56 pm

Good!
Don’t punish yourself! No need for harsh criticisms Chas v shalom.
Get a good sleep.
No need to attach a whole story to it simply it didn’t work well for you at this time and they had options B”H
Shana tova

exhausted

Tue, Sep 19 2023, 9:57 pm

Please don't beat yourself up about it. Bh they have somewhere to stay. And yes, they had at least 4 hours to give you notice.

BH Yom Yom

Tue, Sep 19 2023, 10:23 pm

You did nothing wrong, OP. I definitely relate to the guilty feeling, and the inner critic saying that you “should” have figured out a way to make it work to host them last minute. As my DBT group would often say, don’t “should” yourself. You do what you can, when you can, and you don’t do what you can’t, when you can’t.

Their lack of planning does not need to become your emergency.

I hope you get a good night’s sleep, and feel good tomorrow!

Thisisnotmyreal

Tue, Sep 19 2023, 10:28 pm

I want to celebrate op putting up boundaries two days after RH🎉🎉🎉

There's no Mitzva in being an oisgeklapte hoshana.

amother

Aubergine

Tue, Sep 19 2023, 11:31 pm

Ehh I think you were wrong, especially for family.
But it’s not something to beat yourself up over, it’s a live and learn moment of what kind of person you want to be and being able to push forward when the opportunity comes your way. You’ll know for next time that you would feel like a better person for saying yes.

amother

Papaya

Wed, Sep 20 2023, 12:03 am

Story of my life.
Sometimes you have to say, no.
Good for you that you know how to say no sometimes.
Otherwise you would be out of bed, preparing the room and waiting for them to come.

smss

Wed, Sep 20 2023, 12:11 am

amother OP wrote:

Reading over my post I feel even worse.
Why can’t I be more flexible ?

And I, reading over your post, think you sound like a kind and caring person who knows her limits.
If some solidarity would help, I can't imagine myself saying yes under the circumstances you're describing.

You're a good person. Rebbetzin Heller says that if you can't do a chesed, consider that it wasn't meant to be done, it wasn't meant to be done by you, or it wasn't meant to be done right now.
No one can do everything.

familyfirst

Wed, Sep 20 2023, 12:23 am

Honestly, they’re the ones who should feel guilty

It’s a bit audacious to call a person with one hour notice asking to be hosted

Hiuse could be upside down, hostess could be exhausted, post Rosh Hashana etc

Makes me ask what were they thinking???

Last edited by familyfirst on Wed, Sep 20 2023, 12:38 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Tiffanyblue

Wed, Sep 20 2023, 12:32 am

I said no to my sis who asked me to drive her kid who slept late to school. I felt so guilty. She did have a ride in 30 min but didnt want to miss more school. But if she called me like 10 min earlier when I was out I would have. I was already home busy doing laundry.
We cant always bend over backwards even though its family. Its ok for it just not to be convenient for us and we can say no.

salt

Wed, Sep 20 2023, 1:56 am

Don't feel bad about what already happened. They had somewhere to go, and hopefully they'll learn their lesson to ask you in advance.
But, if you're looking for solutions for next time, if that happened to me, I wouldn't 'prepare' the room - I'd say it's a bit last minute and that I'm already in bed, the room is a mess, but I'm leaving the key out and a pile of sheets on the chair in the room. Let yourselves in quietly and make the beds.

amother

Wed, Sep 20 2023, 6:26 am

It wasn’t so much the last minute favour, it was the way my sis in law called & caught me odd guards and just said
Do you have room for your nephew & neice & their 2 kids ?

I. Was like whaaaat are you taking about ???
I thought she was talking about sukkos , & my own kids who are coming from OOT & they are HER nephew & neice ….

The.n she clarified herself & I answered they’re coming right now ??
Then she said it was a last min thing,
Don’t feel bad etc

I said I’m in bed & I wish I knew a couple
Hours earlier.
She hung up & said don’t worry !! Go shluffy 🤦‍♀️

Uchh

amother

Poinsettia

Wed, Sep 20 2023, 6:51 am

amother OP wrote:

So why do you feel guilty. She acknowledged she was late. She found other accommodations so everything worked out for them.

You were IN BED.

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