Help! I can't take care of both myself and baby!

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Infants

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amother

Wed, Sep 20 2023, 10:46 pm

It's getting a tiny bit better but I'm falling apart.

I have other kids but then a gap so I don't know if I forgot what it's like or if this baby is just extra high maintenance. Fortunately my older kids are OK with less of me (though I feel so guilty) but not zero either, I can't exclusively focus on the baby. But he demands to be held and fed SO much! If I put him down when sleeping most of the time he pops back up in minutes and is sad! He'll demand to nurse and then fall asleep in middle but then needs to nurse more as soon as he wakes up, which is very soon!

I feel like I'm physically collapsing right now and I don't know if I need sleep or food more. I've been sleeping only too few hours a day/ night, but also I barely ate today. I had a protein bar for breakfast, I bought a nice salad yesterday and saved half for today's lunch (it was too big to eat at once anyway, but half wasn't a real meal either), supplemented that with a little cereal and milk while the baby howled, and noshed on some chocolate covered peanuts in the car while driving older dd to a school thing. Grabbed some baby carrots on the way out too. So I'm dying of sleep deprivation but also kind of starving.

I can't figure out how to do this. I typed this on my phone with one hand while nursing a half sleeping baby. He finally fell the rest of the way asleep and popped off. Which caused him to wake up and now he's crying for more again. And I just flipping can't.

Dh is helpful but he has a long work day and needs to sleep at night. Today in between work and sleep he took care of the baby while I went to DD's mother-daughter school thing for about an hour and a half, maybe closer to 2. There went all my potential self care time. When I got back the baby was already crying to nurse even though I'd nursed right before I left and he also had a bottle with dh. And here we are another hour and a half later and I haven't been able to put him down without hysterics.

I might wake up dh out of desperation but even then I don't know whether to sleep, eat or use the bathroom. No way baby will cooperate with someone other than me for long enough to do more than one.

Someone please tell me how this is supposed to work Crying

amother

Wed, Sep 20 2023, 10:49 pm

I mean I do know. I need sleep the worst because I'm literally collapsing of exhaustion. I just know that that means I'll also starve.

oneofakind

Wed, Sep 20 2023, 10:51 pm

You need another pair of hands! Babysitter? Neighbor? Chesed girl? Can you afford a baby nurse?
Pacifier? Swing?

amother

Anemone

Wed, Sep 20 2023, 10:54 pm

Sounds like a hungry baby. Why is he always crying to nurse? If you just fed him, he shouldn’t be crying to nurse every few minutes. What’s your milk supply like?

amother

Celeste

Wed, Sep 20 2023, 10:57 pm

Milk supply goes down with age and caring for other children.

I'd suggest trying to get a babysitter for a few days if you can and do a nursing vacation, where part of the day you just spend in bed with baby, nursing and resting, and part of the day, pump and leave baby with babysitter. See if when you pump your getting a reasonable amount.

Sewsew_mom

Wed, Sep 20 2023, 10:58 pm

I'm wondering if your lack of food intake is actually having an effect in the milk your feeding the baby. Maybe there isn't enough to keep him satisfied.
Would bottles be an option until you get some more rest and food in your system?
Having a baby is hard.. But this seems over the top.

amother

Buttercup

Wed, Sep 20 2023, 11:14 pm

Ugh this is so hard
Babies can be very high needs, and just because she is very unhappy doesn't mean anything is wrong with your milk supply. So I would not run there. I actually think you have more milk with each baby as time goes on. I'm not anti formula when it's needed and you don't mind but giving it could affect your milk supply so I wouldn't run there. It would be great if you could get more help!

It's so hard to have a baby who is high needs.

How old is your baby?

amother

Blueberry

Wed, Sep 20 2023, 11:24 pm

You definitely need a baby carrier so you can hold him yet be hands free.

amother

Poinsettia

Wed, Sep 20 2023, 11:26 pm

Honestly, my first thought is take him to the doctor. Check his weight and growth, maybe he's not eating well enough? Maybe he has reflux and nursing soothes it?
Also, track how often he actually eats, for two days every single time you feed, mark down the time and how long so you can see if he's actually eating all day or the time between feeding is just running away from you.

amother

Wed, Sep 20 2023, 11:27 pm

I did have milk supply issues so I already top him up with formula. This is even with supplementing. I think a lot of it is just for comfort because he falls asleep on me or is barely sucking. When he's hungry for real I can feel a strong milk flow but a lot of the time seems more like snacking.

I was supposed to use pumping to try to build my milk supply but if I can't find time for the bathroom I'm obviously not finding time to pump. I gave it a try instead of sleeping once. It was a decent first try but I just didn't have the spoons to keep washing the pieces and trying again.

Just ate some pizza and now I feel a lot more human. The carbs will be regrettable and I'm not sure if the baby likes dairy (need to figure out why so kvetchy but how?!!) But I'm not starving anymore. I accomplished this by dumping the baby on dh who also needs to sleep but not as badly as I do right now. Told him to make a bottle even though it didn't really make sense for the baby to be hungry again. I closed the door behind me and have no idea what they're doing. I will have to go back there to get toward sleep though.

amother

Anemone

Wed, Sep 20 2023, 11:28 pm

amother Buttercup wrote:

Crying after every feeding…. Sounds more than just high needs. Maybe reflux? Definitely connected to eating in my opinion

amother

Buttercup

Wed, Sep 20 2023, 11:31 pm

By high needs I meant something bothering him
Going to pediatrician could be a good start.
Could be reflux, could be sensitivity, could be colic, gassy etc

amother

Magenta

Wed, Sep 20 2023, 11:32 pm

Some babies suck all the life out of you. They’re just more high maintenance. Been there done that. You need a swing or a carrier or another pair of hands or let him cry for five minutes while you eat or use the bathroom. Or a combination of all of the above. Sometimes I bring them in the bathroom with me and turn the shower on. The running water seems to relax my babies.

giftedmom

Wed, Sep 20 2023, 11:38 pm

My high needs babies were all constipated. As soon as I switched to a better formula the crying went down by 70%. Just feel bad for my oldest because I was young and clueless and she suffered. Tried reflux meds and everything. Poor baby.

amother

Rainbow

Thu, Sep 21 2023, 12:09 am

No advice, just want to say thatI feel you, sister. I’m not managing to do both. I tell myself that this will pass and life will get better soon.

amother

Rainbow

Thu, Sep 21 2023, 12:13 am

I said no advice, but I’ll share one thing. I have a SNOO and it’s literally the only thing keeping me sane right now. That and my cleaning lady coming twice a week.

amother

Rainbow

Thu, Sep 21 2023, 12:14 am

Just noticed my color. Indeed, this is my rainbow baby. And despite how much I prayed for this baby, it’s still brutal.

Sebastian

Thu, Sep 21 2023, 12:17 am

I would try to see what is bothering your baby. Does he take a paci? Do you swaddle to sleep? Have a bouncer or swing? White noise?

amother

Vanilla

Thu, Sep 21 2023, 12:27 am

giftedmom wrote:

Which formula did you switch too? I'm the op of what formula to try next and I'm taking all suggestions.

Op how old is your baby? Mine is 7 weeks and I'm collapsing. Not getting anything done. None of my babies were like this. I'm suspecting milk allergy/sensitivity. My last resort will be to try a hypoallergenic or completely soy and milk free formula. (I'm not breastfeeding.)

amother

Thu, Sep 21 2023, 12:27 am

I have a cleaning lady, thank G-d, at least I don't need to worry about dirt on top of everything else.

I do wonder if a different formula might help because he seems gassy sometimes. I tried 3 kinds so far and he didn't seem any more or less happy on any of them.

He's not crying after he eats, he just cries TO eat. I'm not amazing at telling the difference between hungry and tired cries but if he doesn't settle down until I start nursing him, and he's rooting like mad, then I go ahead and offer breast or bottle even if it seems like not so long since he last ate.

Sometimes I worry that it's because he's not getting enough and my supply is weaker than I think but he seems to be growing plenty (was doing fine at 1 month visit 2 weeks ago and he's grown visibly since then, all his skinny parts plumped up and he outgrew the whole newborn category of clothing. And dorming DS comes home every few days and says wow he grew so much, every time.) And he's also nice and smiley a few times a day (when he's getting plenty of attention... and at 4am) So I don't get the impression that he lacks nourishment. But then again that is with feeding him all the time.

BTW I'm the same amother from the "wish I could get a heter for shiurim even though it's too long after birth" thread. I'm theoretically trying to nourish and hydrate myself in advance but as you can see it's not working very well... if I don't have enough energy to make it from lunch to dinner (granted dinner wasn't until 11, but also lunch wasn't until... 3:30 maybe?) Then how am I even going to stay alive for 26 hours straight? Trying not to worry too much but... I'm worried.

In case you're wondering why I'm still typing, I'm on the can. Dh put the baby to sleep (for him he sleeps! Why not me?!!!) so I can take care of real business properly in addition to eating. Of course this cuts into the already too little sleep time. Why does it have to be either/or?!

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