Getting breakfast | Imamother

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Getting breakfast

Forum -> Parenting our children

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amother

Fri, Sep 22 2023, 9:50 am

My kids usually have cereal for breakfast. Occasionally, I'll make something different for them, but it's usually cereal. My oldest son (11) always expects me to prepare the cereal for them. To the point that he gets angry with me and says that I want him to starve. Obviously, we've been dealing with this child and how they handle their frustration.

Honestly I don't mind preparing cereal sometimes just because I want my kids to feel cared for. Even I enjoy someone preparing my food once in a while. But I'm way less inclined to make cereal when it feels like I'm enabling this helpless behavior.

The cereal is already out and ready to be poured. It's very simple. And every Shabbos this child pours themselves cereal, no problem. It's just school mornings. And part of the issue is that they don't always fall asleep early enough and are cranky in the morning.

All my kids though act very helpless sometimes and I really try to kindly encourage them to do things themselves when they can. Like getting a cup of water. My kids will ask my to get them a cup of water, which is something they can easily do. I refuse. They say they caaaaan't. They can grab a cup and get water from the water dispenser. Especially when I'm usually in the middle of making dinner or something else when they ask.

I know I need to deal with the other issues like handling frustration and getting enough sleep, but I am wondering if most parents make their kids cereal and I am being unfair, or if I should stick with it and let him decide if he's hungry enough to make himself a bowl of cereal.

amother

Ballota

Fri, Sep 22 2023, 9:55 am

Im confused. What does it mean to prepare cereal? Pour it in a bowl? Pour the milk ? Get a spoon?

amother

Fri, Sep 22 2023, 10:06 am

amother Ballota wrote:

Im confused. What does it mean to prepare cereal? Pour it in a bowl? Pour the milk ? Get a spoon?

Yes, this. Not much involved. 😂

This child in particular wants me to do those steps and place it before him to eat.

amother

Seafoam

Fri, Sep 22 2023, 10:10 am

Is this child generally helpless? Or just lazy and expects to be babied? I am not sure what answer you are looking for. My 10 year old pours herself cereal and milk, so does my 12 year old. My 7 year old needs help still. They do sell canisters that dispense it out that is easier for children. Are the bowl, cereal and milk easily accessible? My 7 year old can pour milk.

amother

Goldenrod

Fri, Sep 22 2023, 10:30 am

I have a kid like this. They are not neurotypical. It's a little bit of demand avoidance and a little bit of inertia, iow laziness but without the moral judgment. It's not a character flaw, it's a brain thing.

I do practice a lot of low demand parenting because it works for us. But when I decide that something is important enough for me to demand, I first let go of all the guilt that I'm not doing enough for my kid. I'm confident and not doubtful, or at least I make sure I come across that way. Because it's really not about then feeling cared for. Then I set the expectation, NOT at a time right when it needs to happen. So if it's about breakfast, have the discussion at night.

"Honey, I know you like when I prepare your cereal in the morning. From now on, you'll be getting your own bowl and spoon, and pouring the cereal and milk by yourself. It's not because I don't love you or want you to starve, it's because I'm busy in the morning and it's important for you to do this yourself."

End of discussion.

But, you need to make sure that from a brain perspective your child is able to handle this. There have been times where I literally couldn't make any demands. Thankfully, we've done enough brain healing where we can have some expectations.

amother

Fri, Sep 22 2023, 2:05 pm

amother Seafoam wrote:

All my kids are physically capable of getting cereal for themselves, and all ot entails. I wouldn't expect them to do it if they couldn't.

I guess I just wanted to know if other mothers get cereal for their kids just to be nice on a regular basis. Trying to alleviate some guilt when I get such a strong reaction for a simple thing.

amother

Fri, Sep 22 2023, 2:06 pm

amother Goldenrod wrote:

Thank you, this is very helpful.

amother

Starflower

Fri, Sep 22 2023, 6:36 pm

The only reason I would pour out cereal for an 11 year old would be that I didn't want him to take too much for whatever reason. (Or ch"v he had two broken hands in casts. In which case he'd likely have to be fed as well.)

DrMom

Sat, Sep 23 2023, 1:02 pm

If you don't pour cereal for him, what's the worst thing that will happen? He'll go to school without breakfast one day.

The next day, he'll probably be motivated enough to prepare his own cereal.

amother

DarkCyan

Sat, Sep 23 2023, 1:06 pm

personally I would not humor this. its the type of thing that won't go away with time unless its dealt with. my husbands mother does everything for all her kids that they are capable of doing ex getting them a cup of water and my husbands siblings now teenagers are still incapable of doing basic tasks for themselves

amother

Fuchsia

Sat, Sep 23 2023, 11:46 pm

It’s so funny I’ve been having the same thought process lately about my daughter and whether I should humor her by continuing to pour her cereal or insisting that she do it for herself, except she’s seven years old

amother

Sat, Sep 23 2023, 11:51 pm

DrMom wrote:

If you don't pour cereal for him, what's the worst thing that will happen? He'll go to school without breakfast one day.

The next day, he'll probably be motivated enough to prepare his own cereal.

I wish. I do refuse, but it's still a regular fight.

DrMom

Sun, Sep 24 2023, 5:33 am

Perhaps you can ask him to pour his own cereal, and also to show his younger siblings how to do it. That way, he gets to take on an important role.

DVOM

Sun, Sep 24 2023, 6:37 am

My kids take turns preparing breakfast for each other. I'm not sure how we fell into this habit, but it's lovely. I wonder if it might change up the dynamic for your son?

One kid prepares breakfast for all the kids, and served them. The next day, another kid does it. My boys don't love cereal. They like hot drinks (coffee, cocoa, tea), and if there's time, eggs or waffles. My 10, 12, and 15 year olds can fully prepare these things on their own, including clean up. My 8 year old still needs some help, but really enjoys taking everyone's breakfast orders and doing almost everything to cook, serve and clear. They all love cooking for and feeding our baby, age 2.

Would it work for your son to have his siblings prepare his food for him one day, and for him to prepare and serve their cereal another day? He'll have the relaxation of being served sometimes, and the deeper good feeling of serving and giving at other times.

amother

Daylily

Sun, Sep 24 2023, 9:55 am

I have a child like this. She's 8 years old and perfectly capable of doing some things independently. She had a complete meltdown one night recently when I was busy dealing with another child who was sick and told her to help herself to seconds of dinner. It was within her reach with a serving spoon in it and no reason she couldn't take on her own, but she insisted that she couldn't. She threw a major tantrum and stubbornly sat in the kitchen with her empty plate while I was taking the other child's temperature and giving him medicine and putting him to bed. I ignored her tantrum and tried to get her to talk to me but she just looked at me mutely and eventually DH came home and was more easily able to talk to her. It was a ridiculous situation and I probably didn't handle it as well as I could have because this particular child is my most challenging and I don't always have the patience I need.

I have come to the conclusion that her major love language is acts of service. She definitely enjoys gifts and hugs and quality time as well, but she really seems to need me to do things for her. It kind of drives me nuts sometimes because it's usually the type of thing that not only can do on her own but that she often does because she also likes feeling big and independent. So sometimes I expect her to easily be able to do completely age appropriate tasks and she'll suddenly refuse or say she can't and I'll be taken aback because she obviously can. She often seems to pick the worst times to assert this need, but maybe those are the times she really needs it the most? I don't know.

Anyway, I hope my rambling post is somewhat helpful to you OP. Maybe your son is the same way?

behappy2

Sun, Sep 24 2023, 11:01 am

It's not age appropriate to have to too prepare such a simple breakfast for a child that age.

That said, there's always a reason a kid is kicking up such a fuss and it could be helpful if you can figure out why.

You need to set the expectation that this is how it's done in our house that everyone gets their own breakfast, that it's not a personal thing. That its an important skill to be able to care for oneself and be independent. You don't need to have him do it all at once but plant this idea and work on it at a pace that works for him.

Another tip is that I tell my kids I'm busy now but I can get it for you in 3 minutes. You can choose to get it by yourself or wait. This is a great way to take the struggle out of it and they may surprise you by starting to become more self sufficient.

Also been working on this with my 7 year old.

amother

Jade

Sun, Sep 24 2023, 11:20 am

I wouldn't do all that for an 11 year old. My 12 year old cooks his own food each morning, noodles, orzo, eggs, waffles, pancakes, potatoes etc. My 10 year old needs a bit more help but does a lot on her own. My younger ones can do a lot of their own as well...

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