S/o sick to my stomach - is this wrong?

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Forum -> Household Management -> Finances

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amother

Wed, Sep 27 2023, 12:10 pm

We are really struggling financially and have received help to make Yom Tov. Every last piece of clothing for my kids is on the cheaper end of last years stuff. I shop in outlets and BH have had success this year.
That being said, we both work ourselves to the bone. We have had a number of crazy stresses lately and are in desperate need of a getaway. We had been looking forward to this chol hamoed as a chance to maybe spend some time together as a family which is very much needed. We were planning to use my husbands bonus for this purpose. (He only gets the bonus on erev Yom Tov so it’s not like we could’ve used it for Yom Tov expenses.) But reading the other thread, I’m wondering if this is something we shouldn’t do and wondering what people will say if we do.
(No one has a clue about the mental health challenges we are dealing with and can use a much needed reprieve from the daily grind)

amother

Pewter

Wed, Sep 27 2023, 12:16 pm

no its not wrong. Do what you need/want to do. Dont worry about others. You arent posting a gofundme saying you need money for food and then using it for a vacation. Enjoy! hope you get the rest/relaxation and reset you need. Have a good yom tov!

flowerpower

Wed, Sep 27 2023, 12:21 pm

Do it!!! Have no guilt. Hope it works out

watergirl

Wed, Sep 27 2023, 12:24 pm

While I understand the intention and well meaning of the women who tried to give to the neighbor and make her think it came from the boss so she can keep her dignity, there are a few issues with it, aside from you, OP, now worrying.

1) the boss had no place in this situation and should have declined.
2) now the neighbor may expect another YT bonus in the future and wonder why she didn't get one. She might even ask the boss why.
3) the neighbors should have given for the specific thing they think she needed rather than cash, like a food store gift card.
4) the women who came here to tell that story now made everyone else self-conscious.

OP, I can't tell you what to do, but please forget that story from the other thread. It was really inappropriate to even post here. I don't know what good that person thought she was doing by posting and judging the women here.

Brit in Israel

Wed, Sep 27 2023, 12:47 pm

There is a difference in taking a break/going on holiday than buying high end clothing whilst getting Tzedoka.
Unless you go on holiday every month....
When I see neighbours go on holiday, those getting Tzedoka, I always say to myself good for them. Everyone needs a mental health break to be able to move forward.

amother

Lightyellow

Wed, Sep 27 2023, 12:51 pm

Brit in Israel wrote:

What's the difference?
I don't think there's a difference. Some people relax or recharge in one way, some in another.

amother

Mimosa

Wed, Sep 27 2023, 12:55 pm

Doesn’t it matter what the vacation is? There are cost effective ways or non-extravagant ways to vacation.

amother

Babypink

Wed, Sep 27 2023, 1:01 pm

Op when I was in your situation I found it very beneficial to stay off imamother for a few weeks!!
Believe me, it seems like a distraction but it added to my stress.
You don't need to re-question every single decision you've made, know about other people struggles, shalom bayis issues and sicknesses!
This site is not the faint of heart, if you're dealing with lots of stress and mental health challenges, don't come on here!
I wish you lots of bracha, hatzlacha and parnassa! Hug

amother

Lotus

Wed, Sep 27 2023, 1:05 pm

Why oh why do people judge???? It's none of their business. You do not owe them an explanation! Go and enjoy!

amother

Eggplant

Wed, Sep 27 2023, 1:21 pm

amother OP wrote:

Are you concerned that the bonus was really your neighbors collecting tzedaka on your behalf, as in the other thread? Assuming not, what difference would it make?

amother

Canary

Wed, Sep 27 2023, 1:24 pm

amother Babypink wrote:

This. Imamother is not real life. Real life situations are so nuanced and complex and you should never use posts on imamother as a real life guide.

amother

Alyssum

Wed, Sep 27 2023, 1:28 pm

Personally I think it’s wrong. Don’t collect tzedakah and go on vacation. I have a friend who needed money for IVF and I had leftover medication. I gave it to her (about $10k of meds) and then her and her husband went on 2 vacations and she got a new diamond bracelet. I was fuming. Don’t ask for money and then spend it on luxuries. If you need a mental break - take a walk or go on a local hike and just sit. You don’t need fancy clothes or an airplane or a hotel room for a mental break.

amother

Wed, Sep 27 2023, 2:48 pm

amother Alyssum wrote:

Curious. Would your opinion change at all if I told you my husband tried to commit suicide 2 weeks ago? (Posted about it here) The stresses of life were too much for him and he tried to end it all. He can use more than a walk around the block at this point.

groovy1224

Wed, Sep 27 2023, 2:57 pm

amother OP wrote:

I didn't see your previous thread, but sending hugs. And chizzuk to both you and your husband.

But your response is EXACTLY why you have to do what you think is right for you, and ignore people that think they know everything about your life and believe they have the right to pass judgement. At the end of the day, after 120, we will all have to answer for the choices we've made. You don't owe anyone else any explanations.

amother

Pewter

Wed, Sep 27 2023, 2:58 pm

amother OP wrote:

hope he has a complete refuah! try to take care of yourself! keep us posted and updated on how both of you guys are doing.

amother

Rose

Wed, Sep 27 2023, 3:36 pm

amother OP wrote:

If its an economic getaway (and not going to kosher 5 star program in the Bahamas) then you have nothing to be ashamed of - and probably cheaper than going to all the advertised amusement parks, concerts etc. I believe there are (were?) some surprisingly really cheap deals on rooms at hotels in the Poconos for chol hamoed, with succa & separate swimming. I would however not discuss it with the neighbors as its not their business, and dont worry what other may think if they find out.

amother

Lightpink

Wed, Sep 27 2023, 3:41 pm

I'm the poster of the story on other thread.
There are different types of vacations and some of them are luxury and some of them are not.
If I had given my neighbor the money and then I heard that she and her kids went up to Niagara and stayed in a basic Hotel during c"h, I wouldn't have had a problem especially since honestly, nowadays, having a trip on ch is basic.
But if she had started describing some five-star hotel she went to or told me that she flew down to Florida for 3 days w/ her kids, w/ $, I probably would have been like, huh?

amother

Eggplant

Wed, Sep 27 2023, 3:42 pm

amother Alyssum wrote:

Nowhere did OP say she accepted tzedakah. Her dh got a work bonus, not sure why she's not allowed to spend it however she and her dh please?

amother

Alyssum

Wed, Sep 27 2023, 3:49 pm

amother Eggplant wrote:

Nowhere did OP say she accepted tzedakah. Her dh got a work bonus, not sure why she's not allowed to spend it however she and her dh please?

She says she received help to
Make yuntif

amother

Bergamot

Wed, Sep 27 2023, 3:50 pm

amother Lotus wrote:

Why oh why do people judge???? It's none of their business. You do not owe them an explanation! Go and enjoy!

I agree totally. When you give money, you don’t get to decide how the recipient spends it. If you don’t like how they spend, or how you think they spend, then don’t give them again. But to say they don’t have a right? That’s just ridiculous.
We spend money on meat and clothing. Generally not so much on clothing, but a LOT on meat. No one knows that it’s not our own money. We use someone else’s credit card for those things. I am careful, but I won’t not go somewhere simply because I’m using someone else’s money. (No, they don’t care how much we spend, in case you are wondering.) I won’t go into the stores that are $200+ for an outfit, but that’s because I think those prices are insane for children’s clothing, especially babies and toddlers, who are constantly getting dirty. I shop at a slightly more expensive store than I am comfortable with (not one of the super expensive one) for one of my girls because she struggles with body image and tznius, and this is a way to make her feel good. I look at it as investing in the mitzvah.

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