S/o sick to my stomach - is this wrong?

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Forum -> Household Management -> Finances

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Ema of 5

Wed, Sep 27 2023, 3:53 pm

amother Alyssum wrote:

Personally I think it’s wrong. Don’t collect tzedakah and go on vacation. I have a friend who needed money for IVF and I had leftover medication. I gave it to her (about $10k of meds) and then her and her husband went on 2 vacations and she got a new diamond bracelet. I was fuming. Don’t ask for money and then spend it on luxuries. If you need a mental break - take a walk or go on a local hike and just sit. You don’t need fancy clothes or an airplane or a hotel room for a mental break.

Maybe they were able to afford those things because they didn’t have to spend on expensive meds. Maybe someone else knew about their situation and gave them money specifically to spend on themselves during that stressful time.

Ema of 5

Wed, Sep 27 2023, 3:56 pm

amother Rose wrote:

If its an economic getaway (and not going to kosher 5 star program in the Bahamas) then you have nothing to be ashamed of - and probably cheaper than going to all the advertised amusement parks, concerts etc. I believe there are (were?) some surprisingly really cheap deals on rooms at hotels in the Poconos for chol hamoed, with succa & separate swimming. I would however not discuss it with the neighbors as it’s not their business, and dont worry what other may think if they find out.

And if it IS going to a 5 star program in the Bahamas because that’s what they need to do at this time, that’s perfectly fine too.
“Don’t worry what others may think if they find out” but at the same time, make sure to follow my guidelines, so I won’t judge you.

amother

Vanilla

Wed, Sep 27 2023, 3:57 pm

amother Alyssum wrote:

This behaviour is chutzpah

Ema of 5

Wed, Sep 27 2023, 4:00 pm

amother Lightpink wrote:

I'm the poster of the story on other thread.
There are different types of vacations and some of them are luxury and some of them are not.
If I had given my neighbor the money and then I heard that she and her kids went up to Niagara and stayed in a basic Hotel during c"h, I wouldn't have had a problem especially since honestly, nowadays, having a trip on ch is basic.
But if she had started describing some five-star hotel she went to or told me that she flew down to Florida for 3 days w/ her kids, w/ $, I probably would have been like, huh?

Having a trio on chol hamoed is not basic. Or rather, not in all communities. Certainly not in mine. Every succos and pesach, it’s the same people asking. We have never gone away for chol hamoed, unless you count going from one set of grandparents to the other, between first and second days. We do things like going to the park, mini golf….

amother

Tan

Wed, Sep 27 2023, 4:11 pm

I gave a friend some money to help her wedding. It wasn’t a significant amount but around $400 approximately. I am very close with her and I know that they are going through a lot of mental challenges on their family. They are trying to go away for a few days and I actually happy for her. Hope you’re not because you’re a vacation and I know how badly she needs it. Granted her wedding was very nice and definitely not over the top. Otherwise I might be feeling differently. So I think that you should go and take care of your mental health and hope that people will give you the benefit of the doubt. And if not, that’s not on you it’s on them. But I kind of agree if you’re going till 530 resort versus a nice vacation, it’s very different. If you’re going on a super expensive vacation, that’s way over the top for most people maybe I would personally feel differently. I have learned that you can never know what’s going on in someone’s life. But I really hope that your family gonna be feeling that you need. That no one strategy for it and if they do, I hope you don’t find out about it.

amother

Eggplant

Wed, Sep 27 2023, 4:19 pm

OP, wishing you strength.

To answer the question, I agree that it depends on what kind of vacation and also what type of help was given. If it was a parent, sibling or friend who gave money for food, I might share with them about the bonus that came later and offer to repay them before planning a trip.

As for needing the vacation, it's also possible to get away while spending very little. Travel by car, use points, etc.

amother

Arcticblue

Wed, Sep 27 2023, 5:08 pm

If the word is out on the street that you don’t have money and in the past you took massive vacations then I would say try to do things more low key.

Just spending time on the park and playing ball or hiking can be more healing and connecting than flying off to another state to do touristy stuff.

I’m not saying you should only do free. don’t stress about every dollar but the attitude of spending money equals more enjoyment is not always true.

amother

Arcticblue

Wed, Sep 27 2023, 5:14 pm

Certain people I would be so happy to give them money to go on vacation. I know they will use it well.

Other people I know, have no $ and book tickets last minute (for double the price plus need seat for newborn) don’t research hotels, just book the expensive brand name and don’t come home relaxed. And the next month they are complaining that they can use another vacation but don’t have money.

amother

Blushpink

Wed, Sep 27 2023, 6:50 pm

Unfortunately for severe MH challenges a vacation won't help. It might give a slight reprieve but the issues will be there when you return. Sometimes an escape is what you think you need. But it won't be a fix. Crying

amother

Daisy

Wed, Sep 27 2023, 6:58 pm

amother Blushpink wrote:

This. I have been severely suicidal multiple times. A vacation is not the answer. That money would be better spent elsewhere, on a new treatment or something that will help reduce the stress of everyday life. My 2c.

amother

Wed, Sep 27 2023, 8:10 pm

amother Blushpink wrote:

Of course not. We are in (very expensive) therapy. Its just a reprieve, something to look forward to.

Ema of 5

Wed, Sep 27 2023, 8:33 pm

amother OP wrote:

Of course not. We are in (very expensive) therapy. It’s just a reprieve, something to look forward to.

Well deserved. Don’t listen to anyone who tells you otherwise. I hope the time away for you is healing, and gives you the reprieve you are looking for.

amother

SandyBrown

Wed, Sep 27 2023, 8:39 pm

Ema of 5 wrote:

Well deserved. Don’t listen to anyone who tells you otherwise. I hope the time away for you is healing, and gives you the reprieve you are looking for.

this. This thread just brought back the judgement. you do you without anyone elses input

amother

Goldenrod

Wed, Sep 27 2023, 10:03 pm

I think the point is, if you are taking tzedaka, to take the middle road. Don’t buy a $400 dress, buy a $150 dress. You can go on vacation domestically , like Florida, but not to Switzerland or Dubai.
Even if it wasn’t tzedaka money, it just attracts unnecessary attention to buy extravagant .

amother

Clover

Wed, Sep 27 2023, 10:09 pm

amother Vanilla wrote:

This behaviour is chutzpah

For someone who went through infertility, you’re pretty judgmental.

amother

Eggplant

Wed, Sep 27 2023, 10:19 pm

amother Goldenrod wrote:

Florida?? I guess this just goes to show we all have different standards. Even for just two adults, this vacation is likely $1,000.

amother

Goldenrod

Wed, Sep 27 2023, 10:23 pm

amother Eggplant wrote:

Florida?? I guess this just goes to show we all have different standards. Even for just two adults, this vacation is likely $1,000.

Whatever, point is, if you are taking charity, buy what you need to buy, go where you need to go, but don’t get the most extravagant version.

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