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amother
OP
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 Wed, Sep 27 2023, 5:27 pm
At least twice a year, my sisters in law suggest we all chip in for a fancy yom tov gift for my MIL (their mother). They usually suggest the latest trendy and pricey thing, like a Domani throw blanket, a Scentify, or the latest Waterdale creation. They never pressure anyone to chip in but I always feel dumb not doing so.
My MIL is really wonderful and hosts her many married kids happily and generously. But I’m just wondering if it’s normal for married kids to buy their parent/MIL a fancy gift a few times a year? Sukkos, Chanukah, pesach etc. Honestly it’s not only gifts for my MIL, they are CONSTANTLY suggesting we buy gifts for every graduation, large birthday milestone etc.
For context, my mother also wonderfully hosts me and my married siblings and we don’t usually buy her any sort of gift. There was one or two years we got her a Chanukah gift but that’s it.
I’m starting to wonder how they can even afford this since most of them are kollel families. Personally I can BH easily afford to chip in but it’s starting to annoy me. I feel like they just are buying into the latest marketing trend of whatever new product is out there. Like “oh everyone is giving this as a gift we should too”.
My background is JPF/heimish, my husbands family is very typical Lakewood yeshivish, so maybe this is a culture thing, or maybe it’s normal for people of all backgrounds and I just didn’t get the memo, which is very possible (I sometimes miss social cues like this). So am I the crazy one or are they?
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kenz
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Wed, Sep 27 2023, 5:48 pm
Flip it around - if you were hosting a bunch of family members and they brought you a gift, wouldn’t you think it was a kind and considerate thing to do? Maybe she raised her children to always show their gratitude in a tangible way and so they’re doing it for her. I have a daughter in sem and I told her to always bring something to someone’s home if she’s going to eat or sleep, unless it’s someone she’s been to several times and they tell her to stop. I think it just shows good middos and manners. And no, I don’t have unlimited funds, but for me it’s a priority.
Especially since you say you can afford it easily, I think it’s something you have to work through until you’re ok with it.
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kenz
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Wed, Sep 27 2023, 5:51 pm
| amother Darkblue wrote: | | Oh my gosh I have so much to say about this! My mother literally EXPECTS a gift for every holiday, birthday and Mother’s Day. And if the gift isn’t to her liking she’ll let me know through her words or facial expressions. Even as a single 17 year old I bought her a makeup set for Mother’s Day and right after handing it to her she said - you can have it.(basically saying I don’t want it take it back) I resent giving gifts so much now even if I do go for meals bc of this reason. This year I told my dh im doing smaller less expensive gifts. And of course it’s not good enough for her bc I should be spending at least $50 to get a good gift *sarcasm* |
That’s a whole different situation and I wouldn’t want to fill this need either.
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kenz
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Wed, Sep 27 2023, 6:04 pm
| amother OP wrote: | Thank you everyone for your responses, it’s given me a lot of food for thought. I am going to put more thought into how I can show more tangible appreciation to my mother and MIL for hosting me and all else they do, whether through gifts, making them yom tov food etc.
For the record, I was also raised to bring a gift if I was being hosted somewhere etc, for OTHER people. but my parents never gave the impression that THEY wanted or expected gifts from us. I feel like my parents would look at me like I was nuts if I showed up for shabbos with a chocolate platter. However we do buy my parents gifts for big anniversaries, make them parties for big birthdays etc. Surely I can’t be the only one like this?
I also think it’s strange for my kollel SIL to buy her mother the latest trendy expensive gifts when my MIL is literally supporting her. But I digress. |
Sounds like it’s your SIL’s way of showing her mother how much she appreciates all she does for her.
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We aren't present type of people are we don't really do social norms. When I went to sibling for pesach one year I chipped in financially which they preferred.
