Home
Log in / Sign Up
    Private Messages   Advanced Search   Rules   New User Guide   FAQ   Advertise   Contact Us  
Forum -> Relationships -> Giving Gifts
Is it normal to buy a Yom Tov gift for MIL?
Previous  1  2  3  Next



Post new topic   Reply to topic View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Sep 27 2023, 9:28 pm
amother Charcoal wrote:
It's possible your SIL's not choosing the best gifts (I've been so embarrassed in the past by what my sil got for our collective gift for mil) but the sentiment is correct. We try to show up with something when hosted by parents for yom tov- flowers, bakery treats, sometimes actual gift.

Please do consider gifting your mom especially after hosting you post birth! Or for a hard yom tov etc.


I guess my mother just does such a good job of making us feel like WE are the gift whenever we go to her that bringing a gift seems strange! Lol.

From now on I really will give it more thought. I definitely will try it and see if she appreciates it. Thank you for sharing your insight!
Back to top

amother
Birch


 

Post Wed, Sep 27 2023, 9:28 pm
amother OP wrote:
I know she didn’t appreciate the throw because I haven’t seen it once in the 3 years since we gave it to her LOL


Could it be in her room? Or maybe she exchanged it?
Back to top

amother
Birch


 

Post Wed, Sep 27 2023, 9:30 pm
amother OP wrote:
I guess my mother just does such a good job of making us feel like WE are the gift whenever we go to her that bringing a gift seems strange! Lol.

From now on I really will give it more thought. I definitely will try it and see if she appreciates it. Thank you for sharing your insight!


Imagine if she did expect gifts. You’d probably be posting on her me venting about that expectation Wink

It’s better this way. She doesn’t expect but you get her something anyway. I think you’re really mature for thinking about this with an open mind. She raised a good daughter Smile
Back to top

amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Sep 27 2023, 9:37 pm
amother Birch wrote:
Could it be in her room? Or maybe she exchanged it?


That’s a good point, it’s possible it’s in her room. If she exchanged it, that just proves my point that she didn’t need it.

Maybe what’s really irking me is my SILs tendency to always buy the latest in thing from the currently hot ”brand name”, even when you can buy an equally nice and baalebatish gift for much less money that isn’t as “brand name”. But that’s a personality thing I guess. I never go for th brand name of anything unless I have a compelling reason to (like for quality). I feel like every time I chip in I’m being forced to participate in the Lakewood “sheep”, “spend more than necessary to fit in” mentality.
Back to top

amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Sep 27 2023, 9:40 pm
amother Birch wrote:
Imagine if she did expect gifts. You’d probably be posting on her me venting about that expectation Wink

It’s better this way. She doesn’t expect but you get her something anyway. I think you’re really mature for thinking about this with an open mind. She raised a good daughter Smile


I’ll take the compliment!

As an aside, I did once buy my parents a fancy waterdale thing after they hosted me post birth (I copied my SIL who had a baby same time as me and bought the same thing for her own mother. I figured if she did it, maybe I should to it too).

My parents acted appreciative but my whole family including them literally still tease me about it to this day LOL (good naturedly of course).
Though they don’t actually tease me for buying the gift, more for what I bought.
Back to top

amother
Oak


 

Post Wed, Sep 27 2023, 9:42 pm
amother OP wrote:
So it seems most people think it’s normal and nice.

I’m wondering why the concept is so foreign to me. Could it be cultural? For example, I would never show up as a shabbos guest without a platter or gift or both, but I would never even think of bringing a gift or a platter to my mothers house for shabbos.

Some of my SILs even buy my MIL a $100+ gift after they move in after having a baby. I was so taken aback by this. My mother takes care of me amazingly me after having a baby but buying her a gift would never cross my mind. It seems so formal. And my mother would never expect one either.

Maybe I’m the odd one out. Or maybe it’s a Lakewood thing?


Just bec she’s related to you , doesn’t mean she doesn’t deserve a gift. What’s the difference if a stranger or friend is hosting you or your mother in law
Back to top

amother
Birch


 

Post Wed, Sep 27 2023, 9:44 pm
amother OP wrote:
I’ll take the compliment!

As an aside, I did once buy my parents a fancy waterdale thing after they hosted me post birth (I copied my SIL who had a baby same time as me and bought the same thing for her own mother. I figured if she did it, maybe I should to it too).

My parents acted appreciative but my whole family including them literally still tease me about it to this day LOL (good naturedly of course).
Though they don’t actually tease me for buying the gift, more for what I bought.


So get something more in line with your family’s style
Back to top

amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Sep 27 2023, 9:48 pm
amother Oak wrote:
Just bec she’s related to you , doesn’t mean she doesn’t deserve a gift. What’s the difference if a stranger or friend is hosting you or your mother in law


Because it’s such a formality. My host doesn’t need my unpersonal chocolate platter. I’m buying it because it’s the social norm. With parents, the same social formalities don’t exist.

If I had a random girl babysit for me I would never think of not paying her. But if my sister did me a favor and watched my kids after school because I had an appt one day, I would never think of paying her.

If I called a taxi I would pay for the ride of course. But I wouldn’t pay a friend or relative for giving me a ride somewhere.

I view giving a “token” hostess gift it as the same. Though as I mentioned, we have gotten my parents gifts for big anniversaries and sometimes for Chanukah. But it’s personal gifts that we put thought into.
Back to top

amother
Wheat


 

Post Wed, Sep 27 2023, 9:51 pm
My parents and in laws would probably be upset if we spent significant money on them as a thank you for hosting. We cook and bake and bring food with us to help alleviate both the cost and work of having us, and of course we help with serving and cleaning up when we're there. We save the gift giving for occasions like birthdays and anniversaries, and even then only spend significantly on round number years.
Back to top

amother
Birch


 

Post Wed, Sep 27 2023, 10:04 pm
amother OP wrote:
Because it’s such a formality. My host doesn’t need my unpersonal chocolate platter. I’m buying it because it’s the social norm. With parents, the same social formalities don’t exist.

If I had a random girl babysit for me I would never think of not paying her. But if my sister did me a favor and watched my kids after school because I had an appt one day, I would never think of paying her.

If I called a taxi I would pay for the ride of course. But I wouldn’t pay a friend or relative for giving me a ride somewhere.

I view giving a “token” hostess gift it as the same. Though as I mentioned, we have gotten my parents gifts for big anniversaries and sometimes for Chanukah. But it’s personal gifts that we put thought into.


I appreciate the token hostess gifts! I use the kitchen towels and Sefer I was gifted. I drank the wine or used it in cooking.

Also I give my sister money and or gifts every so often as a thank you for babysitting for me. I’ve probably given her $1000 worth of gifts
Back to top

amother
cornflower


 

Post Wed, Sep 27 2023, 10:07 pm
I'm not from a Lakewood family. I'm not from a gift giving family.

The most wr give my mother is pics of grandkids Wink
Back to top

amother
Lotus


 

Post Wed, Sep 27 2023, 10:10 pm
amother OP wrote:
I know she didn’t appreciate the throw because I haven’t seen it once in the 3 years since we gave it to her LOL


Maybe she uses it in her bedroom.
Back to top

amother
Brown


 

Post Wed, Sep 27 2023, 10:31 pm
It's a way to show appreciation.
I'm going to my in laws now, I want to get a book for my mil. Not something major, just a little something.
She's slaving away, I'm coming as a guest, why not show her that someone is actually noticing her hard work.

I'm not saying it's a must. And I get annoyed when people keep on doing things collectivly. I think it loses some of the sentiment, I sometimes feel pressured in to doing it cause everyone is. But that's another story.
Back to top

amother
Brown


 

Post Wed, Sep 27 2023, 10:34 pm
amother OP wrote:
Because it’s such a formality. My host doesn’t need my unpersonal chocolate platter. I’m buying it because it’s the social norm. With parents, the same social formalities don’t exist.

If I had a random girl babysit for me I would never think of not paying her. But if my sister did me a favor and watched my kids after school because I had an appt one day, I would never think of paying her.

If I called a taxi I would pay for the ride of course. But I wouldn’t pay a friend or relative for giving me a ride somewhere.

I view giving a “token” hostess gift it as the same. Though as I mentioned, we have gotten my parents gifts for big anniversaries and sometimes for Chanukah. But it’s personal gifts that we put thought into.


If a babysitter comes, you pay. If my neice comes I might give her a good chocolate bar. The pay is maybe 50 bucks. The chocolate is $3. That's why it's a token and not payment.

I took rides with a workmate. On chanuka and purim I got her a little gift to show that I don't take it for granted. I didn't pay her like for a taxi. I got her a book once or gift card. 25-50 in value is a token for something that would've cost me a few hundred.
Back to top

amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Sep 27 2023, 11:49 pm
amother Brown wrote:
It's a way to show appreciation.
I'm going to my in laws now, I want to get a book for my mil. Not something major, just a little something.
She's slaving away, I'm coming as a guest, why not show her that someone is actually noticing her hard work.

I'm not saying it's a must. And I get annoyed when people keep on doing things collectivly. I think it loses some of the sentiment, I sometimes feel pressured in to doing it cause everyone is. But that's another story.


I love everything you wrote!
I will look for a good book to buy Smile
Back to top

amother
Cyclamen


 

Post Thu, Sep 28 2023, 12:00 am
OP, also feel free to suggest gifts that you think your mother in law will enjoy. Usually, if you're willing to arrange it and deal with collecting the money, people will be happy to listen to your idea. Wink Or maybe that's just me. I just hand over the money with many thanks and don't give counter offers because I'm glad not to be taking care of it.
Back to top

amother
Seafoam


 

Post Thu, Sep 28 2023, 12:06 am
I agree with a previous poster that it might be a personality thing.
I was never into gifts (giving or receiving) and it hasn't changed. It's just not something I think of. I'd rather someone send me a cute breakfast than go out and buy me a gift.
I do think buying so often is totally unnecessary, however if your SILs do it, it would be uncomfortable to be the odd man out.
I don't remember my SILs buying my MIL (their mother) a gift unless it was an important occasion, like a big birthday or anniversary. Same for my siblings and my mother.
Back to top

amother
Tan


 

Post Thu, Sep 28 2023, 12:11 am
It’s after midnight right now and I’m hard at work cooking for my kids who are all BH coming for yomtov. I’ve been on my feet all day, my back is killing, I wish I could just go to sleep but I have kugels in the oven and a sinkful of dishes. Besides all the shopping, cooking, cleaning I have work and shidduchim and some stuff going on with one of my younger kids. I don’t care about name brands and I don’t care about trends but I would very much appreciate a gift that showed appreciation for all my hard work, books would be the best gift for me, but I would be touched by any of the gifts you mentioned because it’s not about the gift itself, it’s nice to be appreciated.
Back to top

asmileaday




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Sep 28 2023, 12:21 am
Their specific gifting style is way over the top especially if your MIL isn't the type to appreciate these things.
But the idea of gifting parents isn't so strange.

I'm really not a gift giver but if I come to parents or inlaws for shabbos I'll bring a chocolate arrangement or flowers or sometimes a little gift. They deserve it.

When my mother babysat my toddler when I went on vacation I bought her a $200 tablecloth. She's not materialistic but I knew she'd enjoy that because it's shabbosdig and spiritual.

My inlaw siblings will usually collect and gift for chanuka, anniversary and shavuos flowers.

I think it's nice to do occasionally.

Every single yomtov though would feel pressuring and stifling. I also can't think of that many things to buy!
Back to top

notshanarishona




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Sep 28 2023, 12:29 am
Personally, these sibling group gifts in general (whether for parents or new babies or other occasions) frustrate me because (1) it doesn’t mean anything when everyone does it and you are just going along with it (2) it pressures those who don’t have the means to give because everyone is even if its out of budget. I think gifts are much more meaningful when it’s done because someone wants to do it, not because of for every baby we collect $10 for the new niece or nephew. It just turns into a meaningless obligation.

That being said, for sure its nice to bring a gift when you go somewhere for yom tov.
Back to top
Page 2 of 3 Previous  1  2  3  Next Recent Topics




Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Relationships -> Giving Gifts

Related Topics Replies Last Post
What to buy in Trader Joe’s vs Costco
by amother
6 Thu, Feb 22 2024, 11:25 pm View last post
How do people afford to buy houses here?
by amother
8 Thu, Feb 22 2024, 10:24 pm View last post
Where to buy linen for 44" beds
by amother
11 Thu, Feb 22 2024, 4:18 pm View last post
Where can I buy GF wonton or egg roll wrapper? 6 Thu, Feb 22 2024, 1:44 pm View last post
Gift for child's therapist
by amother
2 Wed, Feb 21 2024, 9:43 pm View last post