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amother
Camellia
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 Thu, Sep 28 2023, 6:33 am
| amother OP wrote: | oh were gettin real lol
1. shh dont tell anyone I sometimes look at his insta, but just for a sec cuz I cant really look at pics of him. honestly I'm not very interested in how hes doing, its been a while, he's remarried and that chapter of my life is closed. but like, I'm a yenta sometimes.
2. I do still cover my hair. I was resentful at first but I've come to terms with it. I keep meaning to ask my rav if my hair has the same status as a married woman's, although regardless of the answer I'd still continue covering my hair b/c thats whats done in my community. I dont mind the wig as much, I had thin hair anyways and its convenient to be able to throw on a wig and look good, but when I'm just taking out the garbage or wanna answer my front door I find it annoying to have to put on a tichel.
3. ive never thought abt that specifically. I'm sad for myself that my first bedroom experience was not great, to say the least, but hopefully my next marriage will more than make up for it  |
Omigosh are you my daughter? Besides the bedroom experience (which was apparently the only good experience she had in her very brief marriage), you sound like her!
She was married for a shorter time. We are Chassidish but my kids actually go on dates. She met with him 5 (!!!!) times which is considered a nice amount of dates, even by the Litvish.
There were red flags but during the engagement who wants to notice....
He was not capable of having a relationship with a significant other (besides the bedroom). She thought she loved him but there was noone home. He was an emotional mess.
She never resented anyone and never felt tricked (except by his rebbe who told her after the marriage that all his behaviors were normal). She knows that it was just meant to be. Our new motto is Azoi darf zahn.
She moved back home and is a gorgeous, well adjusted divorced woman in her mid twenties, looking for a shidduch.
Wishing you so much hatzlacha, OP, finding the right one. And may it be smooth and easy. And may you build a binyan adei ad with the right person!!! (I am sending hugs cause I feel you!)
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amother
Gladiolus
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Thu, Sep 28 2023, 8:08 am
| amother Camellia wrote: | Omigosh are you my daughter? Besides the bedroom experience (which was apparently the only good experience she had in her very brief marriage), you sound like her!
She was married for a shorter time. We are Chassidish but my kids actually go on dates. She met with him 5 (!!!!) times which is considered a nice amount of dates, even by the Litvish.
There were red flags but during the engagement who wants to notice....
He was not capable of having a relationship with a significant other (besides the bedroom). She thought she loved him but there was noone home. He was an emotional mess.
She never resented anyone and never felt tricked (except by his rebbe who told her after the marriage that all his behaviors were normal). She knows that it was just meant to be. Our new motto is Azoi darf zahn.
She moved back home and is a gorgeous, well adjusted divorced woman in her mid twenties, looking for a shidduch.
Wishing you so much hatzlacha, OP, finding the right one. And may it be smooth and easy. And may you build a binyan adei ad with the right person!!! (I am sending hugs cause I feel you!) |
If she's looking for a shidduch can you please pm me?
Last edited by amother on Thu, Sep 28 2023, 2:27 pm; edited 1 time in total
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amother
OP
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Thu, Sep 28 2023, 1:24 pm
| amother Turquoise wrote: | You sound like such a well thought our person, Id love to be your friend!
Since you mentioned the beshow system I take it your chassidish. How did you first mention divorce to your family and what were their reactions? Were they supportive? Did they want you to stick it out and try it out more/"work on it" longer?
Did you receive your get quickly?
How is divorce perceived in your chassidus? |
My parents knew pretty much from the beginning that I wasn’t happy so it wasn’t a huge shock. My siblings and friends were shocked though, they knew I wasn’t happy but didn’t realize to what extent.
By the time it got to divorce we knew there wasn’t much left to work on or figure out, I mean me and my parents had the conversation of are you sure this is what you want, but we knew it was kinda inevitable by then. Again I don’t wanna go into specifics abt the timeline and stuff.
I did receive my get quickly, his side just wanted it done and over with I was more than happy with that. Honestly I probably got it even too quick; a couple days after we decided to divorce we were in the beis din, and I honestly processed everything after cuz it happened so quickly.
I don’t know how divorce is perceived in my chassidus; are there different ways it’s perceived in different chassidish circles? Idk, I haven’t gotten horrible comments or anything really, or maybe I just haven’t paid enough attention to it. The ppl around me have always been supportive
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amother
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Thu, Sep 28 2023, 1:40 pm
| amother Cappuccino wrote: | Did you separate as friends (relatively) or did you hate each other by the time you got divorced?
Was the actual divorce process easy, or was it heated and ugly hurdle?
Do you understand his point of view in retrospect?
Looking backwards would you have done anything different?
Did you ever have toughs of regret or going back to him after the divorce?
Have you experienced any Chasidic married men trying to pray on you due to your status, or is this plain stigma? |
1. Yup relatively on good terms.
2. The divorce process is… interesting. It wasn’t ugly and heated in my experience, both sides were bh very mentchlich and everything was settled fairly smoothly. The actual bais din experience is not fun at all, probably the awkwardest experience I’ve ever had but u just breathe and get through it. I think it also depends on where in the grieving process ur up to, if ur grieving ur marriage then it’s probably extremely painful, but I had gotten over that already for the most part and at that point just wanted it done, and I was probably a little numb that day too. My parents were there with me and weird things just kept happening and we were crying and laughing and laughing-crying through the whole thing.
3. No, no regrets ever. I have very strong clarity that I wasn’t meant to stay married to him. It’s funny I actually get asked the regret question every now and then irl and it surprises me every time. Do ppl think I put that little thought into ending a marriage? Do they not think I was up for hours at night thinking of everything that had gone into me getting married, the money, the time, our extended families who were so invested in us, all the ppl who had been so excited for the simchah, all the thoughts and prayers and well wishes and everything… I thought abt that for months. It’s not a decision that was made in a day, and no I never regretted it.
4. I haven’t experienced that, but again I think a lot of times women subconsciously attract these things. Guys can feel when a woman is available and when she isn’t (not 100% if the time, don’t come at me. But I do think a lot of times the woman in such situations is giving off a vibe, even if it may not be a conscious decision). I don’t put myself out there as available and I’m pretty wary of guys intentions, so I haven’t had to deal with that really.
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amother
Brickred
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Thu, Sep 28 2023, 2:20 pm
| amother OP wrote: | 1. Yup relatively on good terms.
2. The divorce process is… interesting. It wasn’t ugly and heated in my experience, both sides were bh very mentchlich and everything was settled fairly smoothly. The actual bais din experience is not fun at all, probably the awkwardest experience I’ve ever had but u just breathe and get through it. I think it also depends on where in the grieving process ur up to, if ur grieving ur marriage then it’s probably extremely painful, but I had gotten over that already for the most part and at that point just wanted it done, and I was probably a little numb that day too. My parents were there with me and weird things just kept happening and we were crying and laughing and laughing-crying through the whole thing.
3. No, no regrets ever. I have very strong clarity that I wasn’t meant to stay married to him. It’s funny I actually get asked the regret question every now and then irl and it surprises me every time. Do ppl think I put that little thought into ending a marriage? Do they not think I was up for hours at night thinking of everything that had gone into me getting married, the money, the time, our extended families who were so invested in us, all the ppl who had been so excited for the simchah, all the thoughts and prayers and well wishes and everything… I thought abt that for months. It’s not a decision that was made in a day, and no I never regretted it.
4. I haven’t experienced that, but again I think a lot of times women subconsciously attract these things. Guys can feel when a woman is available and when she isn’t (not 100% if the time, don’t come at me. But I do think a lot of times the woman in such situations is giving off a vibe, even if it may not be a conscious decision). I don’t put myself out there as available and I’m pretty wary of guys intentions, so I haven’t had to deal with that really. |
Omg I really agree with that!!!! So funny cuz I never heard it from anyone else… btw sometimes I see men do the same thing. They are subconsciously seeking attention.
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amother
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Thu, Oct 05 2023, 1:39 pm
| amother Indigo wrote: | Hey just saw this.
I'm in a similar boat.
How do you deal with the loneliness?
I don't know how old you are... if your older, how do you deal with the fact that you might be at a very different stage in life and have a very different schedule then your married friends?
For me the pain and loneliness feels so big. |
Hey
Idk is there really a way really to deal with loneliness? I’ve never really found one. On a day to day I don’t usually feel very lonely, like I said upthread I actually enjoy being alone, being on my own schedule, having peace and quiet in my house and being able to do wtvr I want. But when I do get lonely I just kinda wait it out I guess? I let myself feel it and cry and pray that I should find my person soon. I’m honestly not very good at being sad for very long, after a little bit I just move on, but that’s my personality, not something I really worked on.
I try to do nice activities by myself; go down to the water with a book, go for a drive with some music, go shopping (I’m big on retail therapy lol) just things I can enjoy doing by myself. Like last winter I ordered a paint by number from Amazon and I wud turn on music or a podcast and just paint But idk if everyone wud enjoy such things, I have a divorced friend and she doesn’t get how I cud just go to read by the beach and enjoy it, she thinks it’s depressing. So idk. But I do activities that don’t require a partner and have learned to just enjoy my own company. I wasn’t like this right when I got divorced tho, it took me time to get comfortable being alone.
As for with my friends, in the grand scheme of things I’m still pretty young, under 25, but once ur friends have kids I don’t think it matters that much if they have 1 or 3 (or maybe it does, I’ll report back when they have more kids). It was harder when we were younger, I feel like by now once they have their families and r settled they’re more available and we do hang out pretty often. 2 of my close friends live near me and I see them a lot, I pop over after work sometimes or in the evening to see their kids and shmooze… we don’t go out often maybe but I usually talk to them every day.
I don’t think this was very good advice. But I do empathize and feel u with the loneliness, when it hits me it can really be a b*tch. I was just talking with my friend that’s divorced and was saying that the pro of being single, which is to have ur freedom and do wtvr u want and not have to worry abt other ppl, is the same thing that’s the con of being single. Not having other ppl to worry or care abt, or have someone worry and care abt u, is the loneliest thing.
I just saw this quote the other day:
“ Beware of destination addiction, a preoccupation with the idea that happiness is in the next place, the next job, and with the next partner.
Until you give up the idea that happiness is somewhere else, it will never be where you are.”
It’s a very cliche idea but I love it. And I think it’s one of the things I worked on, to find joy in how my life is right now. Loneliness is the absolute worst but later on we’ll have other problems iyh so like we might as well enjoy the good parts of being single while we can.
If u listen to non Jewish music u cud look up “pain” by Ingrid andress, I think it’s a beautifully raw song for when ur really feelin those feelings.
And u cud also look up “perfectly lonely” by John Mayer. It’s one of my favorite songs now and I think it sums up how I feel on most days. I cud give u a whole bunch of songs actually lol but think I’ll stop here.
Sending u lots of love ❤️
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