DD doesn't think she can stay at seminary all year

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Forum -> Chinuch, Education & Schooling -> Seminary Info

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amother

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 5:49 pm

She is at a large seminary and there are lots of girls. She finds many of the girls beyond rude and unkind and doesn't feel she gets any support from the staff to help make things better or more orderly. This is on top of rustic dorm accomodations and often times a lack-luster or inadequate daily singular meal. Really highlights the feeling that seminary is more about money and less about yiddishkeit and taking care of the girls.

So my question is, considering most seminary beginnings are tough, do most girls go through a similar first impression experience and end up having a great year? Or just suck it up and live in misery. Or somewhere in between?

So far we are regretting our decision to send her.

syrima

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 5:52 pm

Sukkos is a hard time in sem. Conventional wisdom in my day was give it until chanukah and most girls adjust.

amother

Tan

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 5:53 pm

I hated my seminary from the get-go. No one from the administration was nice to me, the teachers didn’t give me the time of day. I felt so unwelcome. My parents didn’t bring me home, they felt I should tough it out and things will get better. Things got worse. I ended up commiserating with girls who felt the same, girls who were a really bad influence on me. I ended up making a lot of bad decisions that year. Finally in January my parents let me come home, mostly because they did not like who I had become and felt I needed to get out of that situation.

amother

Coral

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 5:54 pm

Many have a hard time this time of year. We all settled in a month after sukkos. Give it more time.

jj1236

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 6:06 pm

I remember crying the first nights of seminary realizing I had to be there all year.
It took a few weeks but I had an amazing year.
Let her find her group of friend and teachers and see how it is in a month.

keym

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 6:11 pm

Did you know about the rustic accomodations and less than optimal and only once a day meal before you chose to send?
If you were told that there would be 3 meals a day and single beds and daily cleaning lady (let's say) and it turns out it's only 1 meal a day, bunkbeds, and the girls clean the bathrooms themselves, then I'd be concerned because it means the seminary misrepresented themselves

dena613

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 6:16 pm

Which seminaries provide only one meal a day?

amother

Plum

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 6:19 pm

Please use this to help her start acting like an adult and make her stick it out. These are the same girls that will come running home when their husbands do something they don’t like! You are the adult and you have to help her become one too. Stop coddling her and help her get through it. It will be the best gift you as a parent can give your child.

amother

Crocus

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 6:23 pm

I was really sad when I got to seminary and realized it wouldn't be the dream experience I had heard about. In the end, I didn't make any life-long friends that year and the learning was ok but not as good as high school. BUT I did develop a love of Eretz Yisroel. And I became a bas bayis at the home of a special family that I'm still in touch with. And I learned independence and interpersonal negotiation skills. And I davened at the kosel many times.

My point is that seminary has the potential to be beneficial in many ways. For all that you and she have invested, give it a chance to be a great year - even in ways you weren't expecting.

amother

Dodgerblue

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 6:27 pm

I honestly don't think most girls like it in the "top"
Seminaries especially.

amother

Daisy

Mon, Oct 02 2023, 6:27 pm

My dd was in seminary a couple of years ago and it was really hard making a decision.
She was sick for a few months with CMV at the beginning of the year so that was really hard on top of being homesick. She's also quite picky with food and had a hard time adjusting to the food situation.
She ended up loving the classes and making amazing friends.

My friend told me that she knows only one girl that came home in the middle of the year of seminary and she got married and divorced shortly after. Not sure if there any connection but there might be...

Pesach my dd kept on saying she didn't want to go back(she was originally supposed to stay there but plans fell thru and 2 family simcha, she came home!)but "I don’t let her"!
Ir really bothered me so I put it on her.
I told her it's your decision you're old enough to decide. I let if that's your choice!
She decided to go back(only 6 weeks) and didn't regret it at all!

amother

Offwhite

Tue, Oct 03 2023, 11:34 am

amother OP wrote:

What do you mean by this?
I went to Michlalah more than 30 years ago. Each girl along with her 7 or 11 apartment mates were required to keep the place clean. Often that meant only a couple of the girls were actually doing the cleaning. That's life! We certainly didn't complain to the "staff" about it. That's the way it goes. I bring up Michlalah because they have always offered one meal. But that meal was always extremely good and wholesome. Maybe your daughter is overly picky. Unfortunately, so many young people are now-a-days.
Also, the seminary is not there to "take care of the girls." This is post high school=college. They are there to provide the education and the safe environment. They are there for the girls in emergencies. Not to handle every little thing for them.
And what in the world are "rustic" dorm accommodations? You mean the fact that they have to share a bathroom?
This is like the thread about the girl who has a fever and cannot get herself water. A lot of these girls do not belong overseas in seminaries because of both the mothers and the girls. Both are not prepared for what they have to deal with.

amother

Ghostwhite

Tue, Oct 03 2023, 11:39 am

Oh my
All of you with the judgemental attitudes have you ever sent your daughter overseas?
Op give her lots of TLC listen and validate her and encourage her that it takes time to find her place. Indeed it is a big adjustment. And her first time away from home particularly in another country.

notshanarishona

Tue, Oct 03 2023, 11:45 am

I remember in the beginning feeling like seminary accommodations were awful and meals inedible, after 3-4 months we got used to it or learned which meals to eat and which to stay away from. When I came back for 2nd year I was just happy to have food I didn’t have to pay for/ earn regardless if it was oily or tasteless. It’s a good learning experience to learn how to fall asleep on a 4 inch mattress or make do with interesting meals.😂
I remember all the jokes about how you tell a 1st year student from a 2nd year student, by looking at their faces when they walked into the dining room.

amother

Viola

Tue, Oct 03 2023, 11:45 am

If you think it is the seminary that isn't a good fit, I recommend you discuss with her high school asap and switch sems if possible the sooner the better.

If its the adjustment, usually takes until chanukah.

amother

Seafoam

Tue, Oct 03 2023, 11:47 am

It's so hard to watch girls not loving it in the beginning, but please give her a chance to settle in and tough it out for a while. Seminary is a major life adjustment-one month is not long enough to make a decision off of!

Cheiny

Tue, Oct 03 2023, 11:49 am

amother OP wrote:

This is why I find the fad of “having to” go to sem in Israel just that.

notshanarishona

Tue, Oct 03 2023, 11:51 am

Cheiny wrote:

This is why I find the fad of “having to” go to sem in Israel just that.

I agree, seminary in my opinion is a huge waste of money and a waste of a year where girls can be learning a career before they get married. However once someone spends the money and goes there, I think they should learn to manage .

amother

Grape

Tue, Oct 03 2023, 11:56 am

dena613 wrote:

Which seminaries provide only one meal a day?

MANY of them. mine only offered lunch and it was gross

Elfrida

Tue, Oct 03 2023, 12:02 pm

dena613 wrote:

Which seminaries provide only one meal a day?

During Chol haMoed, a lot of them. The girls are not on a regular schedule, and many of them are taking trips or visiting friends or family, not turning up for seminary meals.

It seems to have become standard in Beis Yaakov seminaries for meals to be fully catered. Most of the non Beis Yaakov ones provide one meal a day (normally lunch) and the girls cook their own breakfast and supper.

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