Home
Log in / Sign Up
    Private Messages   Advanced Search   Rules   New User Guide   FAQ   Advertise   Contact Us  
Forum -> Chinuch, Education & Schooling
Losers



Post new topic   Reply to topic View latest: 24h 48h 72h

hisorerus




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Dec 04 2005, 10:07 pm
Is it bad for kids to lose?

I think I've picked it up from non jewish culture somewhere. I've started to feel that contests are bad, grades are bad, everything is bad unless everyone is equal.

But is it really bad? Yes it will lead to jealousy. Yes it will mean that some kids might lose a lot and "get a bad self esteem." Yes it will mean that some kid is proud and might boast.

But without it, you lose the incentives of contests, you lose the excitement. Won't kids find things to "beat each other" at anyhow? When they get to the real world, things AREN'T equal. In life, things aren't equal. Some kids are smarter, stronger, more athletic, more talented. And it's not a bad thing. It should be OK to know that someone else is better than you at x (and be happy for him), and know that you have special capabilities in y.

So is it bad?
Back to top

stem




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Dec 04 2005, 10:10 pm
WHen I play a game with my daughter I never purposely let her win. She wins sometimes, and sometimes I do. I know that I can outwit her if I wanted, but I play fair, and let her feel good when she really does win the game. (I'm talking about games like go-fish, memory, and candyland.)
Back to top

chen




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Dec 05 2005, 12:01 am
I wouldn't foster competition very early, or in all areas, but I agree it's important for children to learn to lose gracefully--or at least civilly. it's also important for them to win now and then, and to learn to win gracefully, too.

loss, failure and disappointment are part of life. Artificially shielding children from that is not doing them any favors. better to let them learn to handle little disappointments now so they will be able to handle the bigger ones later on.

in a group of very young children, I would make every effort to vary the activities so that every child could come out a winner at something. for an individual child, I would foster competiton with himself: can you do _____ better, faster, neater than you did last time?

I never "let" my kids win, whether it was checkers or arm-wrestling. when they won, they knew they had won fair and square.
Back to top

elisecohen




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Dec 05 2005, 7:04 am
Life is what Hash-m gives us. It's not always perfectly equal, not even always fair in our eyes. I'm not a big proponent of the school of thought that says children should never experience failure or unfairness. Losing a game is part of the world and an important experience.

Of course, children should be protected from exploitation, bullying, and the like, I'm certainly not saying they should be thrown to the wolves. A little competition, though, is nothing to shy away from in my mind.
Back to top

chanala




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Dec 05 2005, 10:14 am
chen wrote:
I wouldn't foster competition very early, or in all areas, but I agree it's important for children to learn to lose gracefully--or at least civilly. it's also important for them to win now and then, and to learn to win gracefully, too.


<<groan>> I sooo agree - and my daughter is a HORRIBLE loser.

We have been working on this since she was in preschool!! Her K and 1st grade teachers have been great about working with her on this (and they know that we are oh-so-aware of this and are on their side). It is frustrating because there BH are so many other wonderful things about her - but when I would hear over the summer that 'there was a raffle at camp today' or 'so-and-so got picked as Student of the Week' I just cringe - here it comes...

But you know what - she finally got picked for this week, because she FINALLY clapped for who got chosen last week! So believe me, we made a HUGE deal out of it. Hearing about the pouting and acting out has been hard for me - although I am 100% on the teachers' side on this one, and we have talked and talked to her about how important it is to be (AT LEAST) civil, when the moment comes, it still doesn't always happen. Yes, she has gotten better, and I need to keep that in mind, I guess!! It has been an esp. hard lesson for my daughter to learn... (and me too???)
Back to top

carrot




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Dec 05 2005, 1:01 pm
I don't think it's bad for kids to lose occasionally. That's unavoidable. But if everything becomes a competition, that can be bad. I remember in school there were a few years that EVERY yom tov and chassidishe yom tov they made an activity that was competitive. I dreaded those activities. There were also on-going contests that went on pretty much the whole year. As soon as one ended, another began. Even adults would not be able to handle all that full-time competition. Why would kids like it any more? (And just because they participate, doesn't mean they like it, they just might be "afraid" to lose!)

If you are going to have competition, I think it is good to have at least some contests with an open number of winners (I.e. whoever gets more than ninety points wins) or else sometimes competing in teams. So that it is not always so "dog eat dog".

It is also important to emphasize that it is not the "best kid" winning - how can you not be upset when you are told that your classmate is a better, more worthwhile person than you? - but rather the person who looked in the siddur the most time. In other words the behavior not the person.

That's also why I am very against having "hachis" or other kind of contests where there is no clear criteria for winning, it is just being the "best" - which often translates into the cutest, most winning personality. Those kind of contests are just not fair.

Basically I think life itself is going to teach kids about losing. They go to the store and there is no more of what they want. They go on a class trip and there is not room for them in the boat with their friends. They realize themselves that someone else in the class is prettier, smarter, more popular. Etc. We don't really need to go out of our way to teach them how to suffer disappointment.

I think there is place for competition when the rewards are small and come often enough for everyone to win sometimes. More high stakes contests are not necessary for educational reasons.
Back to top

Tefila




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Dec 05 2005, 4:09 pm
Confused

Last edited by Tefila on Mon, Dec 05 2005, 7:05 pm; edited 1 time in total
Back to top

elisecohen




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Dec 05 2005, 4:23 pm
This reminds me of a lesson on shalom bayis I once heard. It was that if you always argue with your spouse, it is because you want or need to always win. If you are always the winner, your spouse is always the loser, and who wants to be married to a loser?

So, give a little, don't always feel like you have to be the winner of every disagreement.
Back to top

hardwrknmom




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Dec 05 2005, 7:16 pm
Theres nothing wrong with loosing. You win some you loose some.

Ever saw those spoiled kids that seen to win everything- if they get beat- they go crazy!
Back to top
Page 1 of 1 Recent Topics




Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Chinuch, Education & Schooling