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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children
Raising kids : agreeing with spouse even if wrong?



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amother


 

Post Sun, Jul 27 2008, 1:49 pm
Over the years I have not supported my husband in all is decision makings as he has not mine eigther both infront of the kids and not . Now when it did not affect the kids that was one thing but when it did I use to open my mouth and though nothing essentially changed he still did his thing anyway though the kids saw that I did not agree with some approaches.

Skipping and heading into later teen years my teenagers have confided they are happy that I took a stance when things seemed unfair with their father who incidentally does love them to earth and is not a bad father just made some bad judgements and won't admit to them. My husband feels if I would have given him the respect he so rightfully deserves in front of the kids then, we would not be having an issue now with one of our teenage sons. Though I do agree I have lots at fault I refuse to take this perticular one. Since if I didn't side with my kids guess what they would be going to others ,who knows what influences they would be picking up, atleast they know mummy will be a listening ear , a sounding board for them.
I told my husband You know even the Avos and Imahos were at discord with their kids and yet Hashem was on the women's side in some cases. Perhaps because sometimes she does know better. My husband retorted are you comparing yourself to them to which I responded well no but from every one there is lesson to be learned.
I know have some growing up to do, problem is I am more willing to change and admit my faults then he is. As far as I am concenred I can be mochel all I want, but as far as the kids do I seriously sit and be quiet silently condoning him his problem is not physically punishing them, but shouting yelling and admonishing them that they feel like 2 cents like humiliating them publicly Confused
Yes I love my husband and we are committed but it's this arguments that sometimes upsets us both.
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NotInNJMommy




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 27 2008, 2:14 pm
Hmmm...did the Avos and Imaos disagree in front of their kids?

I did read in a non-Jewish book about relationships a similar scenario. The father was very harsh and the mother would step in at the moment and contradict and comfort the child (this was not physical abuse or even verbal abuse other than a raised voice and a strict enforcement of family rules). When the mother didn't jump up to defend the child, and when the child asked afterwards, why not, the mother basically said "You must listen to your father. It's hard to do the right thing, but he's right; you must...clean your room (or whatever it was)"

Maybe the mother discussed things with the father in private, maybe not, but the result was the father didn't feel the need to prove himself and his authority to both the mother and the children, and he toned it down significantly.

OP, have you tried this at all? I could see that if it doesn't work after giving it a significant chance and finding ways not in front of the kids to work with this, that maybe you should stand up in front of the kids and contradict him esp if the children are in real emotional pain.

Often men behaving like this is part of a very sensitive and bruised ego, and sometimes cv"s it's something more serious.

I agree this sounds very painful and hard for you. I wish you hatzlochah finding a way to have shalom bayis and a loving home.
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amother


 

Post Sun, Jul 27 2008, 4:25 pm
I would never say this to my husband, but I say to myself that he's a great father, but I'm a better parent. Wink
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mimivan




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jul 27 2008, 5:19 pm
This is a very tricky issue. As a rule, I do not like to disagree with chinuch in front of my kids. I believe parents should provide a united front...BUT there are times I do only when I feel it is absolutely unecessary...when I feel something is unfair and will lead to problems and when I feel the damage would be worse to let it go than to step in and ask why.

That is how I do it. I try to behave the way I would permit my kids to behave if they had an issue with the discipline. To ask why or to explain rather than to protest and say "You are wrong!" To my dh I say "Well, what about this solution." or "Did you hear ds when he said this...let's ask him to explain..."

It is in the form of a suggestion, and more often than not, I do not believe I am undermining my dh, but working towards a solution.

Especially after I have done this, I make it a point to reinforce what "Abba said" next time I agree with how is doing things.

If you find a consistent pattern on things about which you disagree, it helps to sit down and talk about it. Discuss how yelling does not work in the long run etc...I know I can't get my dh to read the books, but we can discuss certain concepts..I.e. the importance of reflecting kids' feelings to make sure they know they are heard or consistency, no means no but provide choices etc...
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momto7




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 03 2008, 2:30 am
I sometimes disagree with my husband in front of the kids. He claims tht it hurts his ego a lot. He asked me to please, next time, wait and tell him in private. I also remember myself with my own parents. It didn't help me much that my mother/father stuck up for me. What I needed was for the parent that hurt me to make it up to me.
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