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Forum -> Chinuch, Education & Schooling
When to believe kids



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Tefila




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 18 2004, 8:29 pm
Hi, wanted your take on when we should or shouldn't believe them and how we act upon it!
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ForeverYoung

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Post Thu, Nov 18 2004, 11:35 pm
that's a big & tricky one.

1. it is hard for kids to separate reality & fantasy, so often they don't even realise tha what they're saying is not tru.
2, if children are scared of punishment, they're more likely to hide the truth.
3. example is everything. Tell the person on the phone I'm not home is a lie, no matter how innocent, and children will learn accordingly

we taught our kids about Emes. Emes is how things happened exactly. H' always knows the Emes, no matter what you say or others think.
Not emes is never overlooked (if we know 100%). sometimes I just say, well, you say it was like this, I believe you. And H' knows exactly what happened.
We also reward emes with lots of pride and once in a while small prizes, especially if it leads to consequences.

So if I think I'm being .... misinformed, I ask: Is this Emes? & if the kid hesitates if probably is not. B'H, most of the times it is.

I try to establish a relationship in which children will tell me the truth always (or most of the times).

I also daven to H' for help - this is where nobody knows for sure very often. It's your instinct & Devine Providence.

Idea If you know for a fact that a child lied, yo uhave to confront them head on, no asking: "why did you ..." Head on: you said (did, etc), I am extremely ......, this is the consequences. - From Better Jewish Parenting
(makes sence - you don't give them a chance to try to cover up w/ more lies and you impress the gravity of the deed)

More ideas are welcomed, b/c in todays twisted world we need all parenting tricks we can get!!! Crying
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gryp




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Nov 19 2004, 7:29 am
most kids cant look at you straight in the eyes and lie. unless they are very good actors. if someone says something I dont think is true, I say "can you look at me with your eyes and say that again please?" most of them cant if theyre lying.
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ForeverYoung

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Post Fri, Nov 19 2004, 10:10 am
you're right, they look away.....
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Tefila




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Nov 19 2004, 2:43 pm
RG
Quote:
most of them cant if theyre lying.

and then what?
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Ozmom




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 21 2004, 4:23 am
RG I used to think that but now I'm not so sure,
depends on the kid
This is a bit of a tough one, I find myself in that situation sometimes.
if its a real concern for you Freilich than keep it in mind when you say tehillim!
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gryp




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 21 2004, 8:12 am
this works very well, Smile with younger kids. sounds dumb but it really works!
you say "im going to ask you one more time and this time you are going to tell me the truth!"
try it!
some kids are good actors and can look at you and still lie.
when you confront a kid about lying, if he says "what?" or "um," it means he is thinking fast of a lie. dont give him that chance. immediately confront him again for an answer.
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Motek




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 21 2004, 12:25 pm
good points ForeverYoung, in your first post

Freilich - what age are you asking about? 4? 14? both?
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ForeverYoung

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Post Sun, Nov 21 2004, 2:44 pm
8), Motek Wink
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Tefila




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 21 2004, 8:28 pm
Quote:
what age are you asking about

The in btwn age range!
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ForeverYoung

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Post Mon, Nov 22 2004, 11:41 pm
1 thing I learned the hard way: avoid situations where your kid is likely to lie as much as possible.

If I ask my son if he washed Ntilas Yadaim in the morn, half the times he'll say yes (sometimes b/c he doesn't remember, once in a while b/c doesnt' want to interrup his game).
So now I just say: "Pls was netilas yadaim" & if he didn't he goes, if he did, he tells me "I did alrealdy" & I praise him.

I wish it was always so easy.....
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Tefila




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 23 2004, 12:16 am
Ok thanks and now this is what I started to do, if my kid benches in a really, really short span of time.And says I'm done. I won't say you couldn't have said it all. I just say "so fast, then how much kavana was used maybe try again!" This way we haven't accused them, and they know themselves what they did, just they need that prodding once in awhile.
I find over bar mitzvah they themselves take it more seriously.
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Tefila




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Dec 07 2006, 4:59 pm
Anymore insights on this Tongue Out
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mumoo




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Dec 07 2006, 5:08 pm
dont corner with accusing questions-it just sets them up to lie

dont use the word lie/liar, I heard one child telling another, 'thats an untruth! sounds nicer

if they say its emes believe it, you can add your evidenced doubts later

don't ever punish right after a confession, in fact, praise the courage to face the truth

I have always told my children from very young, 'if you do something wrong, I might get this angry. (show a level with my hand) if you dont tell the truth about it ill be this angry (raise up my hand)
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