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Forum -> Chinuch, Education & Schooling

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amother

Sat, Nov 18 2023, 11:55 pm

DS4 was very disregulated shabbos and he (with his younger brother) threw literally the whole house down the stairs (toys, wipes, papers, bottle brush, more toys, plastic forks and knives, staples, magazinesm, newspapers....) and when dh asked him to stop and calm down he just laughed in dh face and was going to get more things to throw down. dh was holding a magazine and hit him on his face but not hard. it was out of anger and frustration but it got him refocused on whats going on. it calmed him down.
Later after all was calmed down and cleaned up, DH felt bad that he hit him and he went to talk to ds. DS said "if your going to hit me then at least use your hand. The magazine hurts" DH felt nauseous. What would you do in this situation other than hitting?

ETA DH never ever hits. This was just next level behavior.... but he really feels bad

amother

Pewter

Sat, Nov 18 2023, 11:57 pm

Make them clean it up. Put back every last item they threw down.

amother

Sat, Nov 18 2023, 11:59 pm

amother Pewter wrote:

Make them clean it up. Put back every last item they threw down.

We tried to buy they were too overwhelmed with how to do. it was all sorts of toys mixed together plus other stuff

amother

Foxglove

Sat, Nov 18 2023, 11:59 pm

I would take him by the hand and lead him to something that calms him down. Once calmed, I would talk to him about what led to him to get out of hand, discuss his feelings about the situation, and ask him to think of a resolution. (In this case, I would guide his resolution to be to help clean up the mess he made)

amother

Pewter

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 12:00 am

amother Foxglove wrote:

This is spot on.

amother

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 12:03 am

amother Foxglove wrote:

Thanks! I get so stressed out when I hear them becoming hyper like'oh boy what are they up to now?'

Question - are my kids normal? do other kids act like this?

amother

Foxglove

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 12:05 am

amother OP wrote:

Thanks! I get so stressed out when I hear them becoming hyper like'oh boy what are they up to now?'

Question - are my kids normal? do other kids act like this?

Of course! Totally normal! Our job as parents is to give them the tools to regulate themselves in a proper way.

amother

Forsythia

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 12:05 am

amother Foxglove wrote:

In theory this sounds very nice. And I’m sure for some people it works but if your reading this and it doesn’t work on your kids then I’m right here with you.

amother

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 12:09 am

amother Forsythia wrote:

In theory this sounds very nice. And I’m sure for some people it works but if your reading this and it doesn’t work on your kids then I’m right here with you.

So what do you do?

amother

Milk

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 12:09 am

amother Forsythia wrote:

In theory this sounds very nice. And I’m sure for some people it works but if your reading this and it doesn’t work on your kids then I’m right here with you.

Yup, my kid would just melt down on the floor and make me drag him, continue picking up anything they could reach and throwing it, kick me if I was in kicking distance. I try not to hit, but it's honestly very hard.

amother

Forsythia

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 12:12 am

amother OP wrote:

So what do you do?

I wish I have a clear cut answer for you. I don’t. It’s a struggle.

Every family is different.
Every dynamic is different.
One day I’m in a better place and I can be more patient. One day I’m tired and I’m less patient.

We try our best. We are open and willing to learn. We daven.

But saying that doing this will work is setting yourself up for disappointment. Creating even more frustration. It’s normal. We’re normal and no one has it all figured out.

amother

Almond

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 12:13 am

I feel that nothing would have refocused him the potch was needed I thought have a policy never on the face! I have a neighbor her two kids are so chitzpahdig to parents do want they want destroy the house but parents do nothing yhey are raising animals

amother

Ivory

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 12:19 am

Op your kids are very normal. And your husband is human. Some ideas here might not work for your kids, and that's OK. It's helpful to talk to your kids when they are calmed down rather than when they are being wild. As long as you tried. A potch once in a while is not the end of the world.

amother

Ghostwhite

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 12:23 am

BH barely ever hit. Dd was extremely chutzpahdig and nasty the whole day. Towards end of the day I gave her a potch out of anger.
I think it may even be good for children to get a potch once in a while. Often, no. But once in a while it can be a wakeup call for them.

amother

Forsythia

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 12:25 am

amother Ivory wrote:

Couldn’t agree more! So well said!

amother

Foxglove

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 12:26 am

The point isn’t that this would work every time. Obviously, every kid and dynamic is different. Her son is 4 and that what I would do with my 4 year old and this works very well. The key here is that the boy was disregulated and that requires a parent to step in to help the child regulate himself. Pay attention to your child to find things that calm them and regulate them. Use these individual tools when the child is becoming disregulated or is already disregulated.

amother

Maize

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 4:16 am

If he can't calm down, stick him in his room until he can. Then you can help them clean up. Clean up some on your own to make it easier for them, if it's really too much.
Hitting is never the answer.

spikta

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 3:26 pm

Forgive me if I'm misunderstanding the situation, but from your description it sounds like you waited too long to get up and do something about your child's behavior, if they managed to throw down so many different things. Sitting on your chair and yelling at your child to stop might work for some kids, but IMO it's not realistic to expect an excited 4 year old to just listen to words you're saying without backing it up with actions.

Actions include getting close to them, making eye contact, holding their hand or otherwise touching them, and restraining as needed. Restraining is different than hitting. There is a difference between protective force and punitive force (check out https://www.naturalchild.org/a.....nger. if you're interested) But oftentimes, just getting up, getting close, looking in the eye and touching is enough to get them to stop.

If you sit there and yell at them as they keep on throwing and you don't quickly get up and make a move to stop them, they're getting more wound up and you're getting more angry until you explode.

amother

Chocolate

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 3:36 pm

I would probably put my hands firmly on his shoulders, get down so we're eye to eye, and use a serious voice to say, you need to stop now. This is not allowed in our house, and it won't continue. Stay in that position until he is clearly ready to cooperate.

amother

Goldenrod

Sun, Nov 19 2023, 3:43 pm

Pick him up and remove him (both of them) to another room. Hug/restraint/trap with my body-and rock if needed, until they are calm. Then we talk about how this is not OK. Breaks toys, makes a mess, ruins things….. then we clean up together-they are cleaning up but I am helping them because I love them and understand it is a huge overwhelming mess that they cannot ever do again.

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