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Hitting, hurting?
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daughterofgod




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 23 2023, 2:05 pm
The OP proved her point that there are times hitting a child may have validation.

Op if hitting a -6-7-8 year old child help shock him out of disregulation while you are working on other avenues to regulate him- then I hear that logic. But look, he is already 11 and still cant self regulate. Whatever the situation, a child must learn to be able to breathe and think rationally at some point. Its a huge learning curve for our challenging children but you dont need his wife giving him a slap to regulate him. He needs to learn that at one point. Life only becomes more chaotic. Not less. He will he a dad and husband one day.

The way to teach a child to regulate is by his mom learning how to regulate. Period. Full stop.
Its called co regulation.

The fact that you need to resort to a “quicky”shows me that you are not regulated during that scenario either. A child need coregulation before they can independently regulate.
Step one - you learn to regulate those intense emotions that come up when certain scenarios pop up.

It pains me to think that we are using drugs to shut down our children’s emotional needs. Do they stay on meds for life? And raise kids who will be dependent on meds because their parents never learned to regulate their emotions?
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amother
Blueberry


 

Post Thu, Nov 23 2023, 2:09 pm
amother Hunter wrote:
It makes perfect sense. She's trying to brin out a point. All the hitting threads say there is no tolerance for hitting a child. OP is saying perhaps sometimes there is an appropriate time.


Yes, just like CPR breaks ribs often enough, but is necessary to save lives. Though I wouldn’t even be surprised if on this site some ppl would call a mother doing cpr on her child, abusive. You never know around here. Maybe the mother should gently request her child’s heart to start pumping again.
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giftedmom




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 23 2023, 2:13 pm
daughterofgod wrote:
The OP proved her point that there are times hitting a child may have validation.

Op if hitting a -6-7-8 year old child help shock him out of disregulation while you are working on other avenues to regulate him- then I hear that logic. But look, he is already 11 and still cant self regulate. Whatever the situation, a child must learn to be able to breathe and think rationally at some point. Its a huge learning curve for our challenging children but you dont need his wife giving him a slap to regulate him. He needs to learn that at one point. Life only becomes more chaotic. Not less. He will he a dad and husband one day.

The way to teach a child to regulate is by his mom learning how to regulate. Period. Full stop.
Its called co regulation.

The fact that you need to resort to a “quicky”shows me that you are not regulated during that scenario either. A child need coregulation before they can independently regulate.
Step one - you learn to regulate those intense emotions that come up when certain scenarios pop up.

It pains me to think that we are using drugs to shut down our children’s emotional needs. Do they stay on meds for life? And raise kids who will be dependent on meds because their parents never learned to regulate their emotions?

Oh please
We are using drugs to medicate a chemical imbalance in our children’s brains so that everyone around them stays safe.
Not everything is unicorns and rainbows and magically solved by co-regulating. Some people need meds for life. For various reasons. It’s better than the alternative.
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amother
Blueberry


 

Post Thu, Nov 23 2023, 2:13 pm
daughterofgod wrote:
The OP proved her point that there are times hitting a child may have validation.

Op if hitting a -6-7-8 year old child help shock him out of disregulation while you are working on other avenues to regulate him- then I hear that logic. But look, he is already 11 and still cant self regulate. Whatever the situation, a child must learn to be able to breathe and think rationally at some point. Its a huge learning curve for our challenging children but you dont need his wife giving him a slap to regulate him. He needs to learn that at one point. Life only becomes more chaotic. Not less. He will he a dad and husband one day.

The way to teach a child to regulate is by his mom learning how to regulate. Period. Full stop.
Its called co regulation.

The fact that you need to resort to a “quicky”shows me that you are not regulated during that scenario either. A child need coregulation before they can independently regulate.
Step one - you learn to regulate those intense emotions that come up when certain scenarios pop up.

It pains me to think that we are using drugs to shut down our children’s emotional needs. Do they stay on meds for life? And raise kids who will be dependent on meds because their parents never learned to regulate their emotions?


Many people do need to be on meds for life. Whether heart meds, blood pressure meds, organ anti-rejection meds, etc. Some brains are missing or have too much of certain chemicals, and meds for that can also be needed long-term.
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daughterofgod




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 23 2023, 3:12 pm
giftedmom wrote:
Oh please
We are using drugs to medicate a chemical imbalance in our children’s brains so that everyone around them stays safe.
Not everything is unicorns and rainbows and magically solved by co-regulating. Some people need meds for life. For various reasons. It’s better than the alternative.


In this case it’s obviously being used to regulate him. Read her post.
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amother
Puce


 

Post Thu, Nov 23 2023, 3:15 pm
daughterofgod wrote:
In this case it’s obviously being used to regulate him. Read her post.


If the meds that his brain desperately needs finish working at night, that doesn't mean that he never should have had them in the first place.

I mean a diabetic who gets insulin shots, needs to get more insulin or their body will physical go out of whack
That doesn't mean it was inappropriate to give the insulin in the first place
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bigsis144




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 23 2023, 3:24 pm
Quote:

It pains me to think that we are using drugs to shut down our children’s emotional needs. Do they stay on meds for life? And raise kids who will be dependent on meds because their parents never learned to regulate their emotions?


In my case, I have been in therapy myself and consulting with psychologists, social workers and parent coaches since my eldest was a toddler.

Do you know validating it was to FINALLY have a psychiatric medical professional tell me, “I know I’ve been telling you for years to take a behavioral approach to manage your son’s outbursts, but I think you’re right and he just can’t control himself, and once he’s disregulated, no consequences or discussions will register in his brain. Taking an antipsychotic will help him learn what it feels like to have emotions that aren’t Too Big to Handle. Only from that point can he can start to learn to regulate his own emotions.”

I had been working on coregulation for a decade. Some people need glasses to see the world in focus. Some people need meds to let their brain chemistry “see the world” as it actually is, and not as a place that is constantly making them fight for their lives.


Last edited by bigsis144 on Fri, Nov 24 2023, 7:17 am; edited 2 times in total
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amother
Plum


 

Post Thu, Nov 23 2023, 3:27 pm
OP, I get you. It's like in the movies when someone is having a hysterical fit and someone else smacks them and says, "Snap out of it!" If it's been working for you, be aware that it will likely stop as the hormones come in, so you'll need to find something else.

We have become big fans of ice. We get slurpees, I got a good blender and make slushies, I make lots or regular and flavored ice cubes. Given when my kid starts spiralling, they can help. At the point you describe, nothing really helps but time away for everything and everyone- and yes, that meams the victim has to leave and often gets their door kicked.

Our only solution? Meds. Targeting the behaviors, and stopping the ones that aggravate it. My kid can't take stimulants. They are amazing for school, but the rebound coming off is a deal breaker. And a bridge dose means zero sleep. We really like Intuniv for emotional regulation- a lot of people sue it on top of stimulants.
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amother
Brunette


 

Post Thu, Nov 23 2023, 3:27 pm
bigsis144 wrote:
In my case, I have been in therapy myself and consulting with psychologists, social workers and parent coaches since my eldest was a toddler.

Do you know validating it was to FINALLY have a psychiatric medical professional tell me, “I know I’ve been telling you to take a behavioral approach to manage your son’s outbursts, but I think you’re right and he just can’t control himself, and once he’s disregulated, no consequences or discussions will register in his brain. Taking a mood stabilizer will help him learn what it feels like to have emotions that aren’t Too Big to Handle. Only from that point can he can start to learn to regulate his own emotions.”

I had been working on coregulation for a decade. Some people need glasses to see the world in focus. Some people need meds to let their brain chemistry “see the world” as it actually is, and not as a place that is constantly making them fight for their lives.

I hope things have gotten easier ❤️
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deweybyrd




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Nov 24 2023, 6:17 am
I think you did your best under the circumstances. Don't rethink what you did. You did the right thing I think...kept your younger son in one piece. I would recommend therapy if this kid goes off the handle quickly and easily very often. Never had that kind of thing happen. I'd be scared.
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amother
DarkMagenta


 

Post Fri, Nov 24 2023, 6:23 am
He needs a mood stabilizer.
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amother
Cinnamon


 

Post Fri, Nov 24 2023, 6:35 am
amother DarkMagenta wrote:
He needs a mood stabilizer.


He most definitely does not. That's not what mood stabilizing medication does.

(mother of a DD on mood stabilizers who has never hurt a fly).
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amother
Lemon


 

Post Fri, Nov 24 2023, 6:45 am
daughterofgod wrote:
The OP proved her point that there are times hitting a child may have validation.

Op if hitting a -6-7-8 year old child help shock him out of disregulation while you are working on other avenues to regulate him- then I hear that logic. But look, he is already 11 and still cant self regulate. Whatever the situation, a child must learn to be able to breathe and think rationally at some point. Its a huge learning curve for our challenging children but you dont need his wife giving him a slap to regulate him. He needs to learn that at one point. Life only becomes more chaotic. Not less. He will he a dad and husband one day.

The way to teach a child to regulate is by his mom learning how to regulate. Period. Full stop.
Its called co regulation.

The fact that you need to resort to a “quicky”shows me that you are not regulated during that scenario either. A child need coregulation before they can independently regulate.
Step one - you learn to regulate those intense emotions that come up when certain scenarios pop up.

It pains me to think that we are using drugs to shut down our children’s emotional needs. Do they stay on meds for life? And raise kids who will be dependent on meds because their parents never learned to regulate their emotions?
Coregulation works for children with normal neurochemistry. So many of our children have neurochemical imbalances and brain inflammation these days.
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amother
Cinnamon


 

Post Fri, Nov 24 2023, 6:52 am
daughterofgod wrote:
In this case it’s obviously being used to regulate him. Read her post.


And some people need medications to regulate them. That's how Hashem made them.
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amother
DarkMagenta


 

Post Fri, Nov 24 2023, 6:55 am
amother Cinnamon wrote:
He most definitely does not. That's not what mood stabilizing medication does.

(mother of a DD on mood stabilizers who has never hurt a fly).


The world doesn't end with your dd.

(Mother of son who needs mood stabilizer to help him calm down.)

(Also, mother of dd who needs mood stabilizer but has never hurt a fly.)

Mood stabilizers help for various things.
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amother
Cinnamon


 

Post Fri, Nov 24 2023, 6:56 am
amother DarkMagenta wrote:
The world doesn't end with your dd.

(Mother of son who needs mood stabilizer to help him calm down.)

(Also, mother of dd who needs mood stabilizer but has never hurt a fly.)

Mood stabilizers help for various things.


I think there are different kinds of meds, it sounds like posters are using "mood stabilizers" as a very broad term.

I'm thinking of it as treatment of mood swings. Not emotional dysregulation, which is usually a different class of drugs.
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amother
DarkMagenta


 

Post Fri, Nov 24 2023, 6:59 am
amother Cinnamon wrote:
I think there are different kinds of meds, it sounds like posters are using "mood stabilizers" as a very broad term.

I'm thinking of it as treatment of mood swings. Not emotional dysregulation, which is usually a different class of drugs.


Depakote and Lamictal are the two most popular ones.

I think Lamictal is a better choice. It is less potent but has more leverage overall.
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amother
Cinnamon


 

Post Fri, Nov 24 2023, 7:01 am
amother DarkMagenta wrote:
Depakote and Lamictal are the two most popular ones.

I think Lamictal is a better choice. It is less potent but has more leverage overall.


I was thinking more like lithium as a mood stabilizer, but I have never heard it used in this kind of capacity.
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