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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette
Kvater at bris - buys a gift?
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amother
Floralwhite


 

Post Sun, Feb 18 2024, 11:37 pm
Nope never heard of any of these "rules" like who pays for what or requirements for gifts. So ridiculous. A gift no longer means anything when it becomes expected or "standard".

We didn't get a gift from any of our kvaters. The Sandek were grandfathers- we didn't ask them to contribute but they did and it was meaningful.
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Bnei Berak 10




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Feb 19 2024, 3:27 am
amother Floralwhite wrote:
Nope never heard of any of these "rules" like who pays for what or requirements for gifts. So ridiculous. A gift no longer means anything when it becomes expected or "standard".

We didn't get a gift from any of our kvaters. The Sandek were grandfathers- we didn't ask them to contribute but they did and it was meaningful.

And then people complain they have cluttered homes.
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amother
Cerulean


 

Post Mon, Feb 19 2024, 4:33 am
I am chassidish and I have never heard of this minhag! I was kvatter for my brother-in-law's bris. I didn't give any special gift. Just the regular I usually give for siblings/siblings-in-law.
I have 2 sons ke"h. I never got any major gift from the kvatter; just the regular stretchie or blanket that they would have otherwise given.
As for the sandek, it was our rav. He definitely didn't contribute towards the bris, nor did he give a gift!
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amother
Rainbow


 

Post Mon, Feb 19 2024, 4:38 am
amother Bellflower wrote:
interesting, I never heard that a sandak buys anything! I guess it's community dependent? I'm Chassidish and the kvatter usually buys a nice gift.
The sandak is usually a rebbe, rav, grandfather.. so no they don't buy anything.


It actually says in the kitzur shulchan aruch that the sandek is supposed to buy a gift specifically, since he is being given the biggest honor there is

Obviously that doesn’t necessarily translate to paying for the Seuda, though in some circles that’s common when it’s the baby’s grandfather

I’m JPF from Lakewood and never heard of kvatter buying a gift
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amother
Yolk


 

Post Mon, Feb 19 2024, 4:58 am
By my first sons bris, my grandfather was sandek and gave a very nice check. Kvattar bought a toy for the baby.
Second sons bris, my father in law was sandek and didn’t give anything, kvattar bought a stretchie.
I was surprised my in-laws didn’t give anything since everyone in my circles gets something from sandek….
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amother
Jetblack


 

Post Mon, Feb 19 2024, 5:35 am
I have one baby.

My husband's grandfather was the sandal and he paid for the seudah, which I was pleasantly surprised.

My parents were kvatter. My mother got me tons of gifts but nothing with being kvatter. I don't think people give gifts besides the what they give usually. Also often this honor is given last minute so you can't even prepare.
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theoneandonly




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Feb 19 2024, 6:02 am
Made a few brissim and kvatters never bought us anything.
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amother
Hydrangea


 

Post Mon, Feb 19 2024, 6:18 am
These are all random made up rules, don't call them minhagim
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amother
Hydrangea


 

Post Mon, Feb 19 2024, 6:19 am
amother Freesia wrote:
I've heard that sandak is supposed to pay for the seuda. Never heard of a gift from the kvater. We were "honored" with this kibbud a couple of times in the 5 years we waited for kids. It was always very painful and uncomfortable but I did it in hope it'll help... I'm so glad I didn't know of this minhag cuz it would've just been so much harder. I hope no one thought of us as weird for giving us this kibbud and we didn't even buy a gift....


Supposed to? Entitled much?
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seeker




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Feb 19 2024, 7:03 am
amother Floralwhite wrote:
Nope never heard of any of these "rules" like who pays for what or requirements for gifts. So ridiculous. A gift no longer means anything when it becomes expected or "standard".

We didn't get a gift from any of our kvaters. The Sandek were grandfathers- we didn't ask them to contribute but they did and it was meaningful.

The forum is "manners and etiquette." There's always been an etiquette surrounding gift giving. Is it ridiculous if someone posts "my 5 year old got invited to a birthday party, I don't want to look too cheap but we haven't made any birthday parties yet, what's the norm?"
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amother
Pumpkin


 

Post Mon, Feb 19 2024, 7:37 am
I was never Kvatter but even if I was I would not buy a present for the family unless they are a relative of mine. I also never received any gifts from the Kvatter we had. Didn't know people did that.
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marvinkay




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Feb 19 2024, 8:40 am
I made several brisim, by my last I received a gift from kvater… was first time I heard of it
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notshanarishona




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Feb 19 2024, 8:19 pm
Honestly, I always felt like I was doing people a favor to be kvatter. Never occurred to me to give a present unless I would’ve anyway.
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