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Forum -> Household Management -> Finances
Paying for a wedding
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Did you take a loan to pay for a child's wedding?
No, I had saved enough  
 38%  [ 22 ]
No, other (please explain)  
 10%  [ 6 ]
Yes, a home equity loan  
 15%  [ 9 ]
Sort of - charged to credit cards  
 15%  [ 9 ]
Yes, other  
 19%  [ 11 ]
Total Votes : 57



amother
OP


 

Post Thu, May 16 2024, 9:34 pm
We have saved for our first child's wedding But now is an older single and I am concerned that the amount we had saved is no longer sufficient.

Friends tell me that many many people borrow money for weddings and then pay the loans off before the next wedding! Is this true?

Searching in IMA mother I see lots of questions about loans for construction, renovation, or down payments, But not for weddings.

Smachot by all!
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chestnut




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 16 2024, 9:38 pm
If the child is older, hopefully they've been working for a while and saving, so they can contribute if you can't afford it.
How do people pay off loans if they have kids close in age?
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amother
Snowdrop


 

Post Thu, May 16 2024, 10:03 pm
Got help from tzedaka organization.
Spent the least I could, for a boys wedding, I have a lage family that was about $15k.
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amother
Dill


 

Post Thu, May 16 2024, 10:07 pm
I think that a new system should be implemented for weddings.
We take out a loan for each child's wedding in their name, and the child is responsible for paying off the loan. Instead of the parents being in debt their entire life because of their children's weddings.
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amother
Yolk


 

Post Thu, May 16 2024, 10:19 pm
amother Dill wrote:
I think that a new system should be implemented for weddings.
We take out a loan for each child's wedding in their name, and the child is responsible for paying off the loan. Instead of the parents being in debt their entire life because of their children's weddings.


I would never do that to my child! Especially if they're young. That's like parents encouraging their child to take out college loans and go to pricy private college instead of cheaper options. It starts them out in a hole. It's one thing to ask them to contribute if they have their own money. But to ask them to take on debt?! Just have a smaller wedding.
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amother
Quince


 

Post Thu, May 16 2024, 10:34 pm
I iyh hope to make a wedding this year. We didn't save any cash. We have stock, but the tax rate would be high.

We would probably borrow from our 401k
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amother
Dill


 

Post Thu, May 16 2024, 10:43 pm
amother Yolk wrote:
I would never do that to my child! Especially if they're young. That's like parents encouraging their child to take out college loans and go to pricy private college instead of cheaper options. It starts them out in a hole. It's one thing to ask them to contribute if they have their own money. But to ask them to take on debt?! Just have a smaller wedding.


Why should the parents take on debt for 6-12 children, and be in debt for life (which this is what's happening for many many people), rather then every child paying off the costs of their own wedding? I think it makes much more sense.
Many parents don't have the money to make even the simplest of weddings. I think it makes sense for their children to pay off their own wedding debt.
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amother
Brass


 

Post Thu, May 16 2024, 11:19 pm
amother Yolk wrote:
I would never do that to my child! Especially if they're young. That's like parents encouraging their child to take out college loans and go to pricy private college instead of cheaper options. It starts them out in a hole. It's one thing to ask them to contribute if they have their own money. But to ask them to take on debt?! Just have a smaller wedding.

Even a smaller wedding costs money. A lot of money.
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amother
Honeydew


 

Post Thu, May 16 2024, 11:26 pm
amother Dill wrote:
I think that a new system should be implemented for weddings.
We take out a loan for each child's wedding in their name, and the child is responsible for paying off the loan. Instead of the parents being in debt their entire life because of their children's weddings.


Im so curious how this works. Because typically its parents who plan and arrange the wedding, and make decisions about budgets and all expenses. Do your children each make the budget? Do they make all the decisions? Do you get to invite your own friends to their wedding? Does it also include other costs like gowns, hair and makeup for you or the childs siblings? Or new suits for the boys? If you buy a new sheital, is your child paying for that?

Or do you just plan the wedding as you normally would, and just lump all the expenses into a loan for your child to pay off?
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amother
Honeydew


 

Post Thu, May 16 2024, 11:31 pm
amother Dill wrote:
Why should the parents take on debt for 6-12 children, and be in debt for life (which this is what's happening for many many people), rather then every child paying off the costs of their own wedding? I think it makes much more sense.
Many parents don't have the money to make even the simplest of weddings. I think it makes sense for their children to pay off their own wedding debt.


Why should the children have to pay for it just because the parents had more children than they could afford? In most frum circles it is expected that the parents pay for the wedding. This isnt news. When you have kids, you accept that there are certain expenses you are responsible for. If making 12 weddings is too much, dont have 12 kids. Should kids also start taking on debt for their bar mitzvahs? tuition? how about charge them for the 20 years of health insurance, clothes and food too.

Who paid for your own wedding?
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amother
Brass


 

Post Thu, May 16 2024, 11:40 pm
I don't have credit cards (all maxed out and now behind on payments), don't have equity (we rent), don't have savings (having a hard time affording life as is), and am a few years from weddings (oldest is DS19).

It will likely either be nissim (DH and I both have freelance opportunities that could theoretically bring in a lot but practically don't) or tzedakah, or a combination.

I would love to say we'll do super simple weddings, but even those are expensive, plus there are also the feelings of DC, DCIL, and the other side to consider.

I do think it would be exceedingly foolish to refrain from having a child who then gets married and builds a Jewish home, just because I can't afford their wedding.
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amother
Honeydew


 

Post Thu, May 16 2024, 11:48 pm
amother Brass wrote:
I don't have credit cards (all maxed out and now behind on payments), don't have equity (we rent), don't have savings (having a hard time affording life as is), and am a few years from weddings (oldest is DS19).

It will likely either be nissim (DH and I both have freelance opportunities that could theoretically bring in a lot but practically don't) or tzedakah, or a combination.

I would love to say we'll do super simple weddings, but even those are expensive, plus there are also the feelings of DC, DCIL, and the other side to consider.

I do think it would be exceedingly foolish to refrain from having a child who then gets married and builds a Jewish home, just because I can't afford their wedding.


But your kids cant afford it either. Why should they go into debt instead of you?
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amother
Brass


 

Post Thu, May 16 2024, 11:51 pm
amother Honeydew wrote:
But your kids cant afford it either. Why should they go into debt instead of you?

I'm not the poster who suggested having kids pay for it.
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Orchid




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, May 17 2024, 12:03 am
amother Quince wrote:
I iyh hope to make a wedding this year. We didn't save any cash. We have stock, but the tax rate would be high.

We would probably borrow from our 401k


Are you sure about that? If you've held the stocks for more than one year, long-term capital gain rates are 0% until almost $90,000 of gain. Google "long-term capital gains brackets." Of course, if you held the stock for less than a year, your ordinary income tax rate applies.
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amother
Quince


 

Post Fri, May 17 2024, 12:51 am
Orchid wrote:
Are you sure about that? If you've held the stocks for more than one year, long-term capital gain rates are 0% until almost $90,000 of gain. Google "long-term capital gains brackets." Of course, if you held the stock for less than a year, your ordinary income tax rate applies.


We have a stock that split and is worth enough to help us pay towards a wedding. I will discuss with dh. He manages our finances and recently informed me that we would be taxed at our regular (high) tax rate
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amother
Ballota


 

Post Fri, May 17 2024, 1:26 am
amother [b]Dill wrote:
Why should the parents take on debt for 6-12 children[/b], and be in debt for life (which this is what's happening for many many people), rather then every child paying off the costs of their own wedding? I think it makes much more sense.
Many parents don't have the money to make even the simplest of weddings. I think it makes sense for their children to pay off their own wedding debt.

Because they chose to have 6-12 children and raise them l'torah chupa u'maasim tovim.
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amother
DarkCyan


 

Post Fri, May 17 2024, 2:01 am
I was an "older single".
My parents stopped supporting me financially when I was 19 but told me there was money for my wedding.
My siblings got married young and my parents fully paid for their weddings, as is common in our circles.
When I was about 32 my parents informed me that they were using my wedding fund for a purchase they wanted to make.
(Can you imagine how that made me feel. Like they had given up hope that I'll ever get married?)

When I got engaged at 39 they told me they won't be paying for my wedding.
It was very hurtful.
I had waited a long time to get married and of course wanted to celebrate with my friends and family.
DH and I fully paid for our wedding ourselves from our savings.

Please keep your children's wedding fund. It's OK to give them a budget and if they want to add to it they can. But don't make them pay for their own wedding.
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amother
Chambray


 

Post Fri, May 17 2024, 2:18 am
I will also say there is something very wrong about the other side paying for 1/2 the wedding and you dumping your half on the kids.

We are simple folk but payed for our kid’s college and wedding. One DCIL (who I love to piece and makes my child happy) had parents who live in a large home and had all the latest fashions/shaital/cleaning help….came into the marriage with school loans and wedding expenses, which is now a burden on my DC’s life. I know everything is from Hashem, but, needless to say, it is not endearing.
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amother
Viola


 

Post Fri, May 17 2024, 8:43 am
Most people I know who are not wealthy have a combination of some savings, sometimes their parents chip in some too (grandparents), but most of us also take Ay least some in loans- we did for both our children so far- either against your 401 k or a line of credit on your home or a 0% interest credit card offer that u teenager cc too if u get those and then try to pay it off before the next wedding. Th 0% cc balance transfer we needed to pay off in a year or else the interest got high. We did pay it off in a year.

Now one of us is over 59.5 so for next wedding we can take some out of 401k without penalty.
But yes I think most people in my circles do take out loans-

I think home equity line of credit being the most common. U get as high amount of accessible funds as they allow - could be like 100,000 or more- and then u just use it as u need to and pay off as you can. You only pay interest on what you use and interest is lower than other kinds of loans and credit cards. You may only need 25,000 of it but, it's a security blanket that if u didn't pay it off for the next child and u need another large amoun, u already have the loan money availble.

Also Re stocks- the savings we did have towards each wedding was in stocks. It's true that the it was taxes when we took it out. But it will be taxes when we we took it out. It's income. I just view taxes as part of life .
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amother
Alyssum


 

Post Fri, May 17 2024, 8:54 am
amother Chambray wrote:
I will also say there is something very wrong about the other side paying for 1/2 the wedding and you dumping your half on the kids.

We are simple folk but payed for our kid’s college and wedding. One DCIL (who I love to piece and makes my child happy) had parents who live in a large home and had all the latest fashions/shaital/cleaning help….came into the marriage with school loans and wedding expenses, which is now a burden on my DC’s life. I know everything is from Hashem, but, needless to say, it is not endearing.


There is no reason a parent has to pay for the child's college. And if your son doesn't find it "endearing" to pay his wife's student loans for college he should have found that out before and not married her.
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