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Forum -> Household Management -> Finances
Paying for a wedding
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Did you take a loan to pay for a child's wedding?
No, I had saved enough  
 38%  [ 22 ]
No, other (please explain)  
 10%  [ 6 ]
Yes, a home equity loan  
 15%  [ 9 ]
Sort of - charged to credit cards  
 15%  [ 9 ]
Yes, other  
 19%  [ 11 ]
Total Votes : 57



AlwaysCleaning




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, May 17 2024, 6:10 pm
People aren't arguing making a child pay for their wedding..... They're arguing the idea of parents planning the wedding THEY want and then giving their child the bill.

If you want your child to pay for their wedding, no problem. communicate that from the beginning, educate them financially and allow them to plan a the wedding they want, since they're paying for it.
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chestnut




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, May 17 2024, 6:23 pm
How exactly a young couple (possibly, a kollel one) will be paying off their $40-50K wedding loan?
Will just become another thing for the parents to support. The circle came a full round.
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amother
Burgundy


 

Post Fri, May 17 2024, 6:29 pm
chestnut wrote:
How exactly a young couple (possibly, a kollel one) will be paying off their $40-50K wedding loan?
Will just become another thing for the parents to support. The circle came a full round.

No, what will happen is that the boys' parents will weed through suggestions and look for the girls who have parents willing/rich enough to pay for the wedding. No different then those who do the same when looking for "support" and another way to pressure parents $$ so their daughter can get dates....
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#BestBubby




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, May 17 2024, 6:32 pm
chestnut wrote:
How exactly a young couple (possibly, a kollel one) will be paying off their $40-50K wedding loan?
Will just become another thing for the parents to support. The circle came a full round.


It won't be $ 40-50k if the chosson kallah are footing the bill.

How are parents supposed to pay $40-50 x 8+???

There is more pressure on parents to make elaborate weddings because they are middle aged and have to prove their success.

It's ok for twenty somethings to not have money and make a modest wedding.
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amother
Yolk


 

Post Fri, May 17 2024, 6:36 pm
AlwaysCleaning wrote:
People aren't arguing making a child pay for their wedding..... They're arguing the idea of parents planning the wedding THEY want and then giving their child the bill.

If you want your child to pay for their wedding, no problem. communicate that from the beginning, educate them financially and allow them to plan a the wedding they want, since they're paying for it.


Also help them to make choices about their futures that make them in a position to afford it. BH my parents didn't entertain the idea of me going to the $$$ private college I got into. They told me if I did I'd be paying off just undergrad loans for the rest of my life and they're right. If your 19 year old is getting married, educate them about the future costs of taking on debt.
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amother
Cantaloupe


 

Post Fri, May 17 2024, 7:00 pm
amother Yolk wrote:
[/b]

Also help them to make choices about their futures that make them in a position to afford it. BH my parents didn't entertain the idea of me going to the $$$ private college I got into. They told me if I did I'd be paying off just undergrad loans for the rest of my life and they're right. If your 19 year old is getting married, educate them about the future costs of taking on debt.


Exactly. It helps the young couple focus in their future instead of just expensing everything to their parents and leaving all financial considerations to 'figure it out later'.

It also helps the newly engaged couple to work towards a common goal, which brings them closer together and develops connections between them.

The engagement period doesn't need to be all about fun and games. If they're ready to get married, they are ready to be educated about life and start making decisions for themselves. In the long run, they will have a much more stable foundation of which they can build their future upon. They can build their lives in the hopes of paying forward, instead of paying their life backward.
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amother
DarkCyan


 

Post Sat, May 18 2024, 11:41 pm
amother Leaf wrote:
This happened to me sort off, I was engaged and my parents were paying for the wedding, the boy called it off 10 days before and my parents couldn't get their money back...I was obviously emotionally devastated, took me a long time to recover, fast forward 16 years and I finally found my husband, my sister got married a year before my parents paid for everything....for my wedding, they gave nothing and my husband and I had to borrow and go into debt for a basic chassunah...I understood why my parents gave nothing since they already paid for a "wedding" for me (that didn't happen) and had just paid for my sisters wedding, but still it broke my heart and I felt a lot of pain from it, thinking that if it were my daughter I would want only her happiness and would do anything to help with a simcha for her...I think if you can keep a wedding fund for your children, please please do it



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amother
Blonde


 

Post Sun, May 19 2024, 12:37 am
My parents did not pay for my wedding as they had no money. My mother said if you can’t afford a wedding then you don’t make one and I should get married in the Rabbi’s office. I ended up getting tzedaka to make the wedding and my mother refused to be involved because I was taking charity. She did give me $1000 for the hall.

I was 19. Definitely was a stressful time.
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amother
Peachpuff


 

Post Sun, May 19 2024, 2:12 am
amother Alyssum wrote:
So in your mind the money your parents saved belonged to you even if they wouldnt use it for their intended purpose. In their mind it belonged to them to use as they saw fit.


I’m assuming gifts aren’t your love language.
They are mine, and I would be extremely hurt in darkcyans situation.
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amother
White


 

Post Sun, May 19 2024, 2:48 am
I used all my money for my wedding (I was 19) and my parents contributed the rest (about 15k)

We got married without a dollar and had a baby nine months later but bh hashem took care of us in many ways chutz mderech hateva
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amother
Antiquewhite


 

Post Sun, May 19 2024, 3:07 am
As someone who BH is making weddings (yes plural BH) m following this thread.
One thing that I am finding frustrating is the “minimum “ that the wedding hall demands you pay for. Let’s say it’s 400 sit down dinners is the minimum. So it makes sense for the baal simcha to invite lots of people because you are paying whether you have that many guests or not. Dont know
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essie14




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, May 19 2024, 3:11 am
amother Antiquewhite wrote:
As someone who BH is making weddings (yes plural BH) m following this thread.
One thing that I am finding frustrating is the “minimum “ that the wedding hall demands you pay for. Let’s say it’s 400 sit down dinners is the minimum. So it makes sense for the baal simcha to invite lots of people because you are paying whether you have that many guests or not. Dont know

Why can't you find a hall that doesn't have a 400 person minimum?
I have been to many weddings, including my own, that had much fewer guests.
I wouldn't even want 400 people at my wedding.
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amother
Antiquewhite


 

Post Sun, May 19 2024, 3:17 am
essie14 wrote:
Why can't you find a hall that doesn't have a 400 person minimum?
I have been to many weddings, including my own, that had much fewer guests.
I wouldn't even want 400 people at my wedding.

Not everyone has the option of choosing another hall , It is close to impossible to find halls where we live , as it is the couple had to have a much longer engagement than they wanted , the halls get booked up , there is another hall under construction but not available yet.
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amother
Winterberry


 

Post Tue, May 28 2024, 3:09 pm
#BestBubby wrote:
It won't be $ 40-50k if the chosson kallah are footing the bill.

How are parents supposed to pay $40-50 x 8+???

There is more pressure on parents to make elaborate weddings because they are middle aged and have to prove their success.

It's ok for twenty somethings to not have money and make a modest wedding.


But inviting less people often doesn't even help. Even the cheapest halls have minimums. And let's say get married in a park.. once you cater it, it isn't going to be hall price. And what about the weather? You're going to need a tent. Plus all the details that the halls take care of will now need to be thought about.
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amother
Scarlet


 

Post Tue, May 28 2024, 3:16 pm
amother Dill wrote:
I think that a new system should be implemented for weddings.
We take out a loan for each child's wedding in their name, and the child is responsible for paying off the loan. Instead of the parents being in debt their entire life because of their children's weddings.

That’s awful

That’s keeping your kids in debt from their marriage terrible idea

Live within your means and a simple wedding within your means = a calm happy future without worrying about some debt your parents threw on you.

It a mentality that’s really off!

My parents had something very similar, grandparents refinanced their house under my fathers name and my parents couldn’t buy a house or anything bc it wasn’t being paid it took such a toll on their shalom bayis and our lives! We couldn’t even get a car for a while. Please think of your kids before bringing them into debt so that you can show off hosting a flamboyant ostentatious wedding !?!
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 28 2024, 3:26 pm
essie14 wrote:
Why can't you find a hall that doesn't have a 400 person minimum?
I have been to many weddings, including my own, that had much fewer guests.
I wouldn't even want 400 people at my wedding.


Where I live, the smaller halls are more expensive and cost more than the larger halls with the minimums, which have "takanah" package deals and are cheaper (but they sure aren't cheap.)

I heard from people who made COVID backyard weddings for small number of people, that they were very expensive (cost of caterer bringing china, refrigerated truck, etc...)
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amother
Chambray


 

Post Tue, May 28 2024, 3:34 pm
I’m so fascinated on the other threads people are talking about how unloved they are because mommy and totty didn’t do and pay for everything (wedding, shaital, furniture, dishes… and go to every appointment) yet here we want to make the Chosson and Kallah pay for the wedding.
B”H I am making a wedding and the places all have 350 person minimums (I don’t know that many people) and everything is a bloody fortune. I will be super lucky if I can make this wedding for under 75K and that is picking the lowest level of food (shvach smorg, no beef at the main), a plain mechitza, one photograph/videographer-not 2 and no albums…..

The Kallah needs 2 shaitals (ask how old mine is) the Chosson needs 2 talises (why do you need a separate chol and Shabbos one?).Candlesticks need to be silver lichvod Shabbos kodesh (why not pretty glass) and don’t forget how hurt everyone is without the proper Kallah jewelry which everyone is entitled to.
What is with fancy linen? My sheets are from Target. They go on sale in August.

B”H I can technically afford this, but I will never retire or fix up my home. This is emptying accounts/selling investments/using yerusha/not putting money in a 401K, but isn’t taking on debt.
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amother
Chambray


 

Post Tue, May 28 2024, 3:35 pm
Chayalle wrote:
Where I live, the smaller halls are more expensive and cost more than the larger halls with the minimums, which have "takanah" package deals and are cheaper (but they sure aren't cheap.)

I heard from people who made COVID backyard weddings for small number of people, that they were very expensive (cost of caterer bringing china, refrigerated truck, etc...)

My research shows this as well.
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 28 2024, 3:53 pm
amother Chambray wrote:
I’m so fascinated on the other threads people are talking about how unloved they are because mommy and totty didn’t do and pay for everything (wedding, shaital, furniture, dishes… and go to every appointment) yet here we want to make the Chosson and Kallah pay for the wedding.
B”H I am making a wedding and the places all have 350 person minimums (I don’t know that many people) and everything is a bloody fortune. I will be super lucky if I can make this wedding for under 75K and that is picking the lowest level of food (shvach smorg, no beef at the main), a plain mechitza, one photograph/videographer-not 2 and no albums…..

The Kallah needs 2 shaitals (ask how old mine is) the Chosson needs 2 talises (why do you need a separate chol and Shabbos one?).Candlesticks need to be silver lichvod Shabbos kodesh (why not pretty glass) and don’t forget how hurt everyone is without the proper Kallah jewelry which everyone is entitled to.
What is with fancy linen? My sheets are from Target. They go on sale in August.

B”H I can technically afford this, but I will never retire or fix up my home. This is emptying accounts/selling investments/using yerusha/not putting money in a 401K, but isn’t taking on debt.


Similar but BH we managed our first wedding for considerably less than 75K and now onto my 2nd BEH....But it's still a bloody fortune as you say.
I don't see why we would need to do more than the standards you mention though - including basic food package, metchitza (never thought twice about this being more than basic) and photography, etc... whatever is included in the package.

Your sheitels may be old, but presumably they were once new.
Not every Kallah spends a bloody fortune on linen BTW. And my Kallah would have been fine with simpler jewelry, but she was gifted the "standard" by the other side.
I agree that the community standards are high and difficult to afford. I'm not sure why there is this constant upgrade in gifts (what was wrong with the velvet tallis bags of our day? Why must they get designer grade leather these days?) and it's getting ridiculous. Soon they will be trimming them with gold.
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amother
Chambray


 

Post Tue, May 28 2024, 4:03 pm
Chayalle wrote:
Similar but BH we managed our first wedding for considerably less than 75K and now onto my 2nd BEH....But it's still a bloody fortune as you say.
I don't see why we would need to do more than the standards you mention though - including basic food package, metchitza (never thought twice about this being more than basic) and photography, etc... whatever is included in the package.

Your sheitels may be old, but presumably they were once new.
Not every Kallah spends a bloody fortune on linen BTW. And my Kallah would have been fine with simpler jewelry, but she was gifted the "standard" by the other side.
I agree that the community standards are high and difficult to afford. I'm not sure why there is this constant upgrade in gifts (what was wrong with the velvet tallis bags of our day? Why must they get designer grade leather these days?) and it's getting ridiculous. Soon they will be trimming them with gold.

I’m saying this is the price where I am for the basics, not upgraded.

My DC and future DC are not demanding at all, and every 15 minutes stop to ask if it is really OK. I am really referencing some of the other threads of all those who are so “unloved” because they only got xyz.
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