But all the kids are going....! Maaaaaa!

ShakleeMom

Wed, Aug 27 2008, 6:17 pm

Okay, how do you deal with this. All the kids are going to the carnival 4 blocks away and we are below our budget right now. I never had to deal with this, denying my kid $1. I'm about to cry.

Strudel

Wed, Aug 27 2008, 6:27 pm

Ouch! I feel for you, saying no to kids isn't easy.
Is there anyway you can get the kids to "earn" the money by giving them jobs to do. This might help you, plus you can see if they really want to go.

Strudel

Wed, Aug 27 2008, 6:33 pm

I have a very creative friend, who also is on a limited budget. Every year, she makes a mini-carnival in her back yard for her kids and their cousins. Lots of bubbles and water games, and all the kids love it.

april

Wed, Aug 27 2008, 8:36 pm

When my children want something that is not in our budget or that I feel is not necessary for them to have, I tell them that if we were to buy that then either Daddy would need to work more hours and see them less or that Mummy would have to get a job and they would have to be with babysitters or in daycare. That always works for me - most kids would rather have their parents time than toys if given the choice.

happymom

Wed, Aug 27 2008, 8:42 pm

Um, that scares me. I don't know how smart it is to apply that much pressure on a child.

I agree. I think its way better to just understand your kids feelings, that its hard when we cant do things and try and offer other fun things they can do at a set time with you

amother

Wed, Aug 27 2008, 9:36 pm

Are there any other places you can take them while everyone else is at the carnival? A free library activity, swimming in a neighbor's pool, an exciting park and maybe bring supper picnic style or bbq, a free tourist attraction in your area, a beach, a sports complex with volley ball nets or tennis courts? You can even make these trips into a nice family picture time. Get everyone matching and have them pose however they want. Provide some ideas and let them choose and take charge of the activity. Growing up, my parents didn't have a lot of money to spend on all kinds of entertainment but we were never deprived. They always made it seem like they had something better for us to do and took us on loads of trips. The places were fun and super exciting, but barely cost a penny.

lubcoralsprings

Wed, Aug 27 2008, 10:30 pm

There are always things kids are going to ask for that are not in their reach. When my kids ask for things I feel unnecessary because of the price I just tell them it's too expensive. If they complain it's not fair I tell them lifes not fair and we can't have everything. I think kids need to learn that not everything is within reach.

april

Wed, Aug 27 2008, 10:45 pm

My point was that children want their parents' time more than they want their money. Therefore, if they understand that there is a connection between how many purchases the family makes (including the kids) and how hard the parents have to work at their job, they may want less. And they also appreciate the value of money. After all , otherwise, kids often think that money just comes from the bank or the ATM machine and the parents are being "mean" to withhold things from their kids.

shalhevet

Thu, Aug 28 2008, 3:11 am

april wrote:

I would be very careful with saying such things for 2 reasons. First, as people said, it's too much responsibility (we are poor because Mummy has to look after us).

And the other problem is you never know when it will rebound. Don't be so sure. Children are children, and one day the candy in the shop may seem more tempting than Mummy at home.

I explain like this: Hashem gives each family a certain amount of parnassa that He thinks they need. Then it is up to the Mummy and Daddy to decide how to spend it responsibly and buy what is most important. If we bought candy every day, we wouldn't have enough for school books. When you will be a Mummy/ Daddy you will also decide how to spend the money.

iriska_meller

Thu, Aug 28 2008, 8:39 am

I'm not sure this is applicable in this situation, but its in the ballpark.
I remember that starting around age six, if I asked for an extra "luxury", they would give me a choice. For instance, we have X amount of money set aside for a new backpack. If you want this, you can choose to have it but get a cheaper backpack or not get a new one at all and use the old one.
For instance, I remember when I was 13 I really wanted to learn to play guitar, so I chose not to go on an expensive school trip that was already planned in exchange for getting a guitar and several playing classes.

pacifier

Thu, Aug 28 2008, 8:55 am

tell them this year it's too hard because you don't have enough money, but you'll try to put some money away for a nice activity/outing around chanuka.
or that you'll make a special box where you'll put extra money for next year carnival.

april

Thu, Aug 28 2008, 9:06 pm

I still feel like I'm being misunderstood. To tell children - we are poor because your mommy has to take care of you is cruel. But to tell children, you may not have all the toys or things you want but you have the luxury or having your mother at home with you (if that is your situation) or you are able to see you father in the nights and on Shabbos and Sunday (or whatever your situation is) is different. Of course there are some kids whose parents work very little and they are still rich and some kids whose parents both work very long hours and they still are in financial trouble. But at least with this strategy a child whose mother is home with him/her can feel like they have something valuable, even if they can't have lots of toys and things. And at least with my children every time I say this to them, they immediately stopped kvetching for whatever material thing that they want in favor of wanting their parents over a daycare or babysitting situation.

ShakleeMom

Thu, Aug 28 2008, 9:10 pm

Well, my kids appreciate that I’m the fun mommy, the house everyone wants to come play at. Just last night we had a sleepover with three girls. No school, who cares, eh? It doesn’t cost a penny to be the fun mother.

However, the kids accept it as a bonus and not a tradeoff. I think they should not be expected to.

Go tell a child whose mother is as pretty as a model, “be happy your mommy is gorgeous, it’s instead of brains’. It’s ridiculous.

april

Sun, Sep 21 2008, 10:19 pm

Do you make your kids aware that you are the "fun mommy" and how fortunate they are to have someone like you as their mommy. I know of one particular Orthodox family in our school where the kids have a live in (non-Jewish) nanny who basically does everything for/with the kids. The parents seem to have little involvement in their children's lives. The kids have the nicest house, clothes, toys, etc. but just by looking at them you can tell that they aren't very happy (I've neve even seen the kid smile).

Yes, children do want it all, but nobody has a perfect childhood- every family has some problem or another, be it marital disharmony, financial problems, health problems, or other issues, but I think that the more you stress to your children the important things that they do have, the better that they will feel about themselves. Doesn't it say something like "He who is rich is happy with what he has." in Pirkei Avos.

ShakleeMom

Mon, Sep 22 2008, 8:59 am

I know someone who has her live-in take the kids to zoos, the park, the extracurricular classes and stuff… she even picks out their birthday toys online with them. Despicable.

Lady, if you have all this money, get a grip and raise your kids. They’re only young for this amount of time.

shalhevet

Mon, Sep 22 2008, 9:11 am

april wrote:

Yes, children do want it all, but nobody has a perfect childhood- every family has some problem or another, be it marital disharmony, financial problems, health problems, or other issues, but I think that the more you stress to your children the important things that they do have, the better that they will feel about themselves. Doesn't it say something like "He who is rich is happy with what he has." in Pirkei Avos.

I don't think children can see it as either-or. Adults often can't either.

I think there is a big difference saying to a child, 'Let's say thank you to Hashem that we are healthy/ we have a home/ Daddy can come home at 5pm to see you' than saying 'Aren't you glad Daddy can come home to see you at 5pm even though it means he earns less money and we can't afford to go to the zoo on Sunday?' Confused

april

Mon, Sep 22 2008, 8:55 pm

My grandmother grew up in a very poor household. She had to share not only her room with her 3 sisters but her bed with one of them and she got her first real doll (her mother had made her "dolls" out of old unmendable socks) when she was six from her oldest sister who by then had a job. She only had one weekday outfit and one Shabbos outfit. Despite the fact that she knew she was poor, she told me that she never FELT poor and she had a very happy childhood.

For those children who grow up without a home, enough food to eat, or heat, or needed medical care that is horrible and cannot be justified to a child. But I think that if parents can't afford to buy their children the toys that they want, go on trips, etc but they can give their children time and love, the children will not necessarily feel deprived. I think that children perceive their situation the way that their families view it. Just as beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, wealth can be a relative term.

greenfire

Mon, Sep 22 2008, 9:06 pm

some things you simply have to say "no" to ... there is no need to give money to some kids down the street for their so-called "carnival" ... a $1 can be much better spent and you can teach them that we have to pick & choose what one spends money on - no matter if you are rich or poor ...