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Forum -> Chinuch, Education & Schooling
When your kid says no to you



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Goldengoose




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 27 2024, 1:31 pm
what do you do?
my kids say it left and right. I say, hang up your jacket. no.
please drink some water, it's hot out, no
want me to play with you? no
wash your hands. no
on and on and on

I'm not asking for help or favors, I'm telling them basic stuff to do.

how do I respond in a healthy way that's not condoning chutzpa but also not about my ego?
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amother
Slateblue


 

Post Mon, May 27 2024, 1:42 pm
How old are they and why are they saying no?

Can you explain to them that they don’t like when others say no to them AND as their mommy you always have their best interest at heart so if you tell them to do something you know what you are talking about.

Other strategies may be the kibbud Av v’Em route, or because I’m the mommy and I said so , or showing them that you can say no to them and how that looks for them and that families stretch themselves to be accommodating.

You make also have a philosophy of sitting them down and explaining why you tell them to do things. Wash you hand so you don’t get germs and sick, clean your toys so you have pieces to play with tomorrow. Hang up yiu coat so tatty doesn’t fall….

What is your philosophy and parenting style?
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mha3484




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 27 2024, 1:48 pm
This is when I let natural consequences do the job. Your coats on the floor someone will step on it and Im not running to wash it for you same with backpacks and laundry.

If you don't drink you will feel it with a headache.

I think a lot of kids need to experience the consequence on their own vs us telling them what to do.
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giftedmom




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 27 2024, 2:00 pm
You need a reset. They’re stuck in power struggle mode. You and they need to realize that you’re on the same side.
So for now I suggest really minimizing the requests/demands.
Don’t tell them to drink water or ask to play or anything extra really. Let them come to you.
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amother
Ballota


 

Post Mon, May 27 2024, 2:01 pm
What age are you talking about? I wouldn’t be ok if I told or asked my kid something and they responded by saying no… imo thats a level of chutzpah that shouldn’t be tolerated.
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amother
Gladiolus


 

Post Mon, May 27 2024, 2:07 pm
Sometimes you can make it into a game or something else fun/silly. "Let's see how fast you can hang up your coat."
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teachkids




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 27 2024, 2:08 pm
"that wasn't a choice. Please do x and then you can do y"
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amother
Pansy


 

Post Mon, May 27 2024, 2:10 pm
I’d switch to saying everything with choices. Do you want to hang up your coat now or in 1 minute. Do you want this cup or that cup etc..
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amother
Lightblue


 

Post Mon, May 27 2024, 2:14 pm
Goldengoose wrote:
what do you do?
my kids say it left and right. I say, hang up your jacket. no.
please drink some water, it's hot out, no
want me to play with you? no
wash your hands. no
on and on and on

I'm not asking for help or favors, I'm telling them basic stuff to do.

how do I respond in a healthy way that's not condoning chutzpa but also not about my ego?

Not all of these questions/commands are equal.

"Hang up your jacket" - if they say no, "Here is your jacket. It needs to be hung up now." And physically guide them to do so (if they're younger)

"Please drink some water, it's hot out" - if they say no, "you're not thirsty now? I'm putting your water bottle on this chair. It's good to drink a lot when it's hot."
I wouldn't make a major case of this. Heatstroke takes time to develop, and it's good for them to recognize their own thirst cues.

"Want me to play with you?" - if they say no, that means they don't want to play with you right now. If you want to teach them a different way of saying no, offer them alternate words, "Not right now Mommy, thanks." "I'd rather play myself for now."

"Wash your hands." - if they say no, "In this house the rule is that we wash our hands before eating. I'll be happy to give you your supper/snack when your hands are clean." Or, "your hands are dirty and need to be washed. Let's do it now." And physically guide them and help wash their hands.

It's normal for kids to say no.

It's good to give them more respectful ways to do so in situations where "no" is acceptable (questions). It's also good to let them know when something is a rule and no is not an option. Usually physically guiding them (holding hands and walking with them to the coat rack, sink, etc.) is helpful.
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amother
Lotus


 

Post Mon, May 27 2024, 2:18 pm
amother Ballota wrote:
What age are you talking about? I wouldn’t be ok if I told or asked my kid something and they responded by saying no… imo thats a level of chutzpah that shouldn’t be tolerated.

Can you describe what "shouldn't be tolerated" looks like?
For example, you tell a kid, please hang up your coat. Kid says no. Then....

I seriously always wonder about this. Ok, great, it shouldn't be tolerated. But I don't understand what that means.
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amother
Razzmatazz


 

Post Mon, May 27 2024, 2:51 pm
As other posters have suggested, I either make it into a game of sorts-can you hang up your coat before I count to 5, or let's count how long it takes.
Or I offer choices-do you want to your drink now or in 2 minutes? Do you want a drink first or a snack first? (always make sure the 2 options are things you're okay with.)
And some things they can't get or do before they've done the first. Like if they want me to give them a snack or a toy, I'll say they first have to hang up their coat, then they can have the snack/toy.
Some children just enjoy saying no. And some children may feel like they don't have choices the rest of the time, so this is their only way of asserting control.
And rule number 1 is to pick your battles. Some things matter more than others. I would let some go and put my foot down for others. And each home may have different things that are essential and will be the thing to really enforce.
I also don't know how old your children are in this scenario. Obviously these sort of strategies are not for teens.
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amother
Ballota


 

Post Mon, May 27 2024, 3:52 pm
amother Lotus wrote:
Can you describe what "shouldn't be tolerated" looks like?
For example, you tell a kid, please hang up your coat. Kid says no. Then....

I seriously always wonder about this. Ok, great, it shouldn't be tolerated. But I don't understand what that means.


To be clear, I’m specifically talking about the word “no”. If I tell my kid to hang up their coat and they say “I’m too tired” I think that’s fine. I might still insist that they hang it up, but I wouldn’t have a problem with what they said.

To me “shouldn’t be tolerated” doesn’t always mean you can stop the behavior (and definitely not immediately), but rather it means you address it directly. And that would be different for every age and each kids temperament.

If my 3yo is saying no like that, I know she’s overtired or hungry so I’d probably ignore the no and deal with whatever else is her problem.

If my 5yo said it, first time I’d say “we don’t say no to a parent”. If it kept happening, we’d address it more… we’d talk about it, I’d probably give him alternative suggestions for what to say and there might also be consequences. Same with my 8yo. Tbh they’re both super easygoing bh and it hasn’t ever been an issue.

My 10yo has adhd and preteenism and she does sometimes say no like that. But I still wouldn’t say that I tolerate it, rather it’s part of a group of behaviors that we’re working on, with some better days and some more challenging. At a minimum she knows that I’m really not ok with it and she’ll generally apologize after.
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Goldengoose




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 27 2024, 4:18 pm
my older ones basically listen and if not I let it slide. either they say I'm not in the mood or push it off or make believe they didnt hear. ok, it's not blatant chutzpa.

when my 6 yr old and now 2 yr old say no, and they still need the chinuch, I'm at a loss.
for me it's not about power or getting my way. it's usually what's best for them. but for chinuch purposes I don't want to just let it go.
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