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I want to move out of Israel
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, May 30 2024, 6:45 am
I lived in Israel for about a year and a bit. I never wanted to move here always wanted to stay in Lakewood with my family and friends. When I was dating my dh wanted to move to Israel and my parents were like it’s fine you’ll be ok…. I got engaged and I knew he wanted to move here. We first settled in a temporary apartment in Lakewood for 3 months because we got married in middle of the zman those months were bliss! Then we moved here. I hate it. My husband is thriving here but I hate it. All my friends live in Lakewood and I can’t make friends I’m super shy and I just can’t. I go to work and have work friends but not out of work friends. My husband thinks if I go to Nsheis I will make friends but I don’t wanna go alone. My neighbors are all 3-5 years older than me have a few kids (I don’t have any kids yet too) it’s just so hard for me life here. I am so upset at my parents for pushing me to marry my husband I wish I could have married someone who would be on the same page as me and move to Lakewood. Side point I can’t move back to Lakewood for another year at least cause my parents said that we have to live her for 3 years minimum or they won’t support if we move before cause of all the expenses they paid for like dishes appliances furniture… so I’m stuck Sad
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amother
Navyblue


 

Post Thu, May 30 2024, 6:50 am
Can you move to a different community in Israel with people your age?
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amother
DarkGray


 

Post Thu, May 30 2024, 6:53 am
oh dear, that's really hard Sad

I think it was wrong of your parents to push you into it when you didn't want to live here. I am of the opinion that all Jews should move to Israel asap, but they should do it from really wanting to be here, not because someone forced them to.

all things being equal, if you lived in Lakewood, would you be happy to have married your husband?
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Rappel




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 30 2024, 6:53 am
I'm sorry you're lonely and feel stuck

Want to come for a shabbat?
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DrMom




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 30 2024, 7:00 am
Given that you can't move for at least another year, you might as well try and make the best of it.

There are really no women your age in your neighborhood? Can you meet people at shul? If your DH has friends, can he introduce you to their wives?
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amother
RosePink


 

Post Thu, May 30 2024, 7:00 am
I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. Sadly it is not uncommon.

Could you be very clear with your husband and your parents, explaining how you are feeling?

Hopefully they'll understand and won't force you to stay. Explain to your parents that your mental health and sholom basis are at stake.
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amother
Wandflower


 

Post Thu, May 30 2024, 7:01 am
Sounds really tough!
Moving away from everyone you know is a big deal. If your plan is to move back after the 3 years are up, and your husband is on the same page, I would focus on doing what you can to make the most of your time in Israel. You already got through the first third, and probably the hardest part. The next 2 years will probably go by faster. There are so many beautiful places to visit in Israel, use the time now to enjoy life with your husband before it gets hectic with children. It would be a shame to lose out on the special stage of life you’re in now, focus on the good that you have now and you’ll be back in familiar surroundings sooner than you think. You’ll probably look back at this time with fondness despite the difficulties, once you get back and appreciate what it is!
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amother
Scarlet


 

Post Thu, May 30 2024, 7:02 am
I'm of the opinion that living in Israel for a little bit after marriage can be transformative for a new couple but in your case it seems to just be causing resentment so perhaps you should revisit.

If you sell your furniture package to the next tenant and return that money to your parents would they still have an issue supporting you back in Lakewood? If it's less than 2 years old you can recoup almost all your investment.

If not, and you absolutely need their support or if your DH wouldn't consider moving back then I suggest you go out of your comfort zone a bit to try to make friends and make a life for yourself there instead of spending your days wishing for a life somewhere else.
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Success10




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 30 2024, 7:05 am
Can you get a job out of the house?
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amother
Diamond


 

Post Thu, May 30 2024, 7:05 am
OP I feel for you!
Which neighborhood do you live in? Maybe there are others on here that live in the area.

It definitely will help to go to nesheis but it's not fun going on your own. You need alot of courage as a shy person to go. Do you know anyone you can go with?

I was also very lonely before I had kids. It's much easier as a shy person to go out and chat with random mothers once you have kids.

If you live in my area I would love to get to know you, I wish I had friends more than just neighbours in the park.
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, May 30 2024, 7:13 am
Hi it’s op
I live in Sanhedria.
I work in an office with many girls my age it’s great but they are work friends. I am used to having my 6 close knit group of friends but they all live in Lakewood. Being shy is a huge problem for me.
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amother
Starflower


 

Post Thu, May 30 2024, 7:28 am
I have two sil in your same situation. Their husbands are thriving learning in Israel and they are miserable.
I have never been in the situation. I feel really bad for you. And don’t really have advice. But at the same time it’s a pretty toxic thought to say that you wish you didn’t marry your dh!
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essie14




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 30 2024, 7:29 am
Can you treat this time as an extended vacation in Israel?
Go explore Yerushalayim. Take the high speed train to Tel Aviv.
Go to the beach after work.
Don't all the newly married young couples move to Sanhedria/Ramat Eshkol?
How can there be no newlyweds without kids? Your DH doesn't have any newlywed friends whose wives you can be friends with?
If your husband is doing well and you want to support his learning I think you have to push yourself a bit out of your comfort zone and make some friends. You don't need lifelong BFF's. You need some friends in your stage of life.
When I married my DH we had to live in a very specific place and there was no leeway. I didn't want to live there at all. But I made some acquaintances, went to shul every Shabbat, and made the most of the situation.
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DrMom




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 30 2024, 7:31 am
amother OP wrote:
Hi it’s op
I live in Sanhedria.
I work in an office with many girls my age it’s great but they are work friends. I am used to having my 6 close knit group of friends but they all live in Lakewood. Being shy is a huge problem for me.

Why can't you invite one of your "work friends" for coffee after work? Do any of them live nearby? Maybe if you get to know them, you can also get to know their friends, and then you can expand the number of people you know.

Your friends in Lakewood may eventually move away; you'll need the skill of making new friends eventually. Might as well start now.
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salt




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 30 2024, 7:34 am
amother OP wrote:
Hi it’s op
I live in Sanhedria.
I work in an office with many girls my age it’s great but they are work friends. I am used to having my 6 close knit group of friends but they all live in Lakewood. Being shy is a huge problem for me.


I think that even if you lived in Lakewood your social life wouldn't be the same as it was before you got married.
Assuming those 6 friends are also married, everyone is now working, keeping house, some may have kids, life doesn't continue the same anyway.
The difficulty is magnified for you, as you are far away too, but don't think that if you lived in Lakewood now, you'd be going out for coffee with your friends every day, or whatever you used to do.
At least I don't think you would.

Having a bunch of friends at work sounds great. When you go home, do fun things with your husband.
Are you sure you're not expecting too much.
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amother
Lily


 

Post Thu, May 30 2024, 7:39 am
Your six close friends might also move away, or you might grow apart, or they might all be together forever, you can’t know.
But you can’t live life needing your close group of friends to be happy.
You need to become the center of your happiness and contentment.
You’re married now, in a new country, with new people. It’s time to learn new skills to not only survive, but thrive.
Be patient and kind to yourself, it’s a learning process and it can be very hard and it requires you going out of your comfort zone.
If I had to guess, you’re not really mad at your parents or husband; you’re mad at yourself for being so stuck and unable to make friends easily. Lots of people are like you. But it’s a skill, and a valuable one, and like any other skill, it can be learned.
You got this! You will be fine. Even if you move back, sooner or after 3 years, let it be because you chose it, not because you felt forced or desperate.
Hatzlacha!
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amother
Mauve


 

Post Thu, May 30 2024, 7:44 am
I'm shy I moved away from my parent, though not internationally it took strength to move out of my comfort zone. But it provided me with life experience and maturity. Otherwise I'd stay local, Everything on a silver platter.I started out by talking to people as the outsider. It helped my shyness fade.
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amother
Diamond


 

Post Thu, May 30 2024, 7:44 am
salt wrote:
I think that even if you lived in Lakewood your social life wouldn't be the same as it was before you got married.
Assuming those 6 friends are also married, everyone is now working, keeping house, some may have kids, life doesn't continue the same anyway.
The difficulty is magnified for you, as you are far away too, but don't think that if you lived in Lakewood now, you'd be going out for coffee with your friends every day, or whatever you used to do.
At least I don't think you would.

Having a bunch of friends at work sounds great. When you go home, do fun things with your husband.
Are you sure you're not expecting too much.


This is very true and very well explained.
My sister was in Israel for a few years and didn't really settle wishing she was back in her friends she now moved back and all her friends are just busy with life and now she is wishing she was back in Israel with all her neighbours even though they weren't considered friends whilst she was there.
Make the most of the time here and hopefully very soon you will be back with your friends and family
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 30 2024, 7:46 am
Shyness is not congenital. It's not a life sentence, and it can be changed with effort and guidance.

Many shy people have worked on themselves, especially if their shyness made them feel lonely.

This could be seen as a wake-up call, because getting more comfortable meeting and talking to people will give you an important life skill. It will also help you be more assertive with DH, in a way that works.

So I'm going to suggest therapy, perhaps CBT focused, so that you can work on short term practical steps that will make a long term impact.

If you've made aliya, I believe it's more likely to be affordable, too.
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amother
Bottlebrush


 

Post Thu, May 30 2024, 7:57 am
You have to realize you are married now and not in high school. Your friends will get married. They may move. They may have babies and get busy with their life. Yes it's uncomfortable being shy and making new friends but thats how life goes. If your husband is thriving and your marriage is good be appreciative and make the best of it.
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