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Forum -> Relationships -> Simcha Section
Vent: Inviting someone you don't like to Simcha



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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Jun 05 2024, 5:53 pm
This is just a vent I am making a simcha soon and I have to invite people that I can't tolerate I know it's the right thing to do as they will feel terrible if we don't invite and my kids are friends with their kids so it would be awkward not to but I am cringing.

I know I won't notice at the simcha and it will be a blur but now it's bothering me. One of the people I am inviting is a very touchy type of person and I can't stand being touched by anyone other than my immediate family accept for the needed friendly hug. The other person has a lot of issues going on and is a bad influence and causes headaches for my family but need to invite as it's DH good friend and I really want nothing to do with this person or their family but I don't have a choice.

I know some of you will say not to invite but that is really not an option.

okay vent over!
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amother
Slateblue


 

Post Wed, Jun 05 2024, 5:54 pm
Reframe:
The beis hamikdash was destroyed because of someone not inviting someone he disliked
Maybe your kind act will be the final straw and what brings moshaich

I hope

Anyway Mazal tov- May you have only simchas
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amother
Wine


 

Post Wed, Jun 05 2024, 6:52 pm
I get it .
Did it and at the actual simcha you get so caught in the whole event you barely realize they’re there.

Hatzlocha you’re doing the right thing even if it’s really uncomfortable and annoying!
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amother
Lily


 

Post Wed, Jun 05 2024, 7:26 pm
I hear you. We have a relative who is condescending and mansplains to his wife in public. He will say things like does she look great, she lost 20 lb because I don’t let her eat sugar anymore, or I’m so proud she passed her phlebotomy exam, I had her make flash cards and told her to color code them, and made her study with me for an hour every night until she really knew the material and was able to pass the test 🤮.

DD is very female empowered and will not go to their home, it makes her physically sick to listen to his drivel. She is getting married and feels it is bad JuJu (don’t know a better word) to have them there as the wife completely just takes it and even thanks him. She doesn’t want that relationship anywhere near her chuppah, and being in the same room as him makes her so angry. Bing in the same room as the wife makes her so sad and frustrated. Now I need to pick. Have them and upset the Kallah, or don’t have them and offend them and have everyone including my mom, questioning their absence (they never miss a party.). And they are not subtle or invisible guests, even with 600 people which we are not having.
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daagahminayin




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jun 05 2024, 7:40 pm
You’re totally allowed to vent here and I commiserate!

Just a thought regarding the touchy woman: It’s totally reasonable at some point, (probably not at the wedding) to have a conversation with her where you say:

“There’s something I have to tell you about myself - I don’t tolerate touch well and hugging makes me very uncomfortable. You’re such a sweet and affectionate person and I really appreciate that you want to show that to me. Please know that even if I don’t hug you it doesn’t mean I don’t like you, it’s just a sensitivity I have. Thanks for understanding!”
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amother
Quince


 

Post Wed, Jun 05 2024, 8:24 pm
I have a relative that hates simchos because she will get touched in our very Hungarian family. She always has an excuse, sniffles, sour throat, virus etc. And everyone stays far away.
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kenz




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jun 05 2024, 9:18 pm
daagahminayin wrote:
You’re totally allowed to vent here and I commiserate!

Just a thought regarding the touchy woman: It’s totally reasonable at some point, (probably not at the wedding) to have a conversation with her where you say:

“There’s something I have to tell you about myself - I don’t tolerate touch well and hugging makes me very uncomfortable. You’re such a sweet and affectionate person and I really appreciate that you want to show that to me. Please know that even if I don’t hug you it doesn’t mean I don’t like you, it’s just a sensitivity I have. Thanks for understanding!”

This is such a gracious and thought out response.
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amother
Ecru


 

Post Wed, Jun 05 2024, 11:31 pm
Look unfortunately this is something absolutely everyone goes through. There's always someone we don't like that we have to invite. Regarding touching you can always be straightforward and say I'm so sorry I'm not a hugging type and that's okay as long as you say it with grace and a smile.
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amother
RosePink


 

Post Thu, Jun 06 2024, 12:20 am
My kid is getting married and my mother in law is going to ruin it just like she has every other simcha over the past 35 years.
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daagahminayin




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jun 06 2024, 1:26 am
kenz wrote:
This is such a gracious and thought out response.


Thanks so much!
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Bnei Berak 10




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jun 06 2024, 4:49 am
amother Lily wrote:
I hear you. We have a relative who is condescending and mansplains to his wife in public. He will say things like does she look great, she lost 20 lb because I don’t let her eat sugar anymore, or I’m so proud she passed her phlebotomy exam, I had her make flash cards and told her to color code them, and made her study with me for an hour every night until she really knew the material and was able to pass the test 🤮.

DD is very female empowered and will not go to their home, it makes her physically sick to listen to his drivel. She is getting married and feels it is bad JuJu (don’t know a better word) to have them there as the wife completely just takes it and even thanks him. She doesn’t want that relationship anywhere near her chuppah, and being in the same room as him makes her so angry. Bing in the same room as the wife makes her so sad and frustrated. Now I need to pick. Have them and upset the Kallah, or don’t have them and offend them and have everyone including my mom, questioning their absence (they never miss a party.). And they are not subtle or invisible guests, even with 600 people which we are not having.

I *hope* DD will be so busy and caught in the simcha she won't even notice them. To ignore is probably the best tactic.
I hope this couple will come down with a bad stomach virus and won't be able to attend.
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jun 06 2024, 8:09 am
The people having the simcha decide
I invited someone awful to my vort and regret it
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mummiedearest




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jun 06 2024, 8:20 am
There are ways to host a simcha while minimizing invitation lists or time spent with certain guests. Creativity can help.
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dankbar




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jun 06 2024, 9:16 am
Sometimes the excuse can be we're keeping our guest list short only inviting immediate family.....we're making a small simcha
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