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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Preschoolers
Help me help my child



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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Jun 06 2024, 8:10 am
I have 2 children. The oldest is 5 and the youngest is about to turn three. Whenever my youngest gets something, my oldest wants the same. This also comes when I give them both a yogurt with their preferred flavors and suddenly my oldest wants the same flavor as my youngest. When my youngest asks for water, or cereal, soon after my oldest will ask for the same thing at the same time. Two days ago my youngest got a new toy carriage and my oldest was insisting for one too. We ask them to share but it turns into a fight. My DH brought another toy carriage yesterday and gave the new one to my youngest and the other to my oldest. My oldest threw a fit like never before and it took a long time to calm down. Is this typical behavior? How can I help my oldest understand that whatever belongs to someone, it belongs to that person? How can I help my oldest cope?

ETA clarification...
We buy toys for both kids at the same time every time we buy them toys. It's just no matter what we get, my oldest wants what the younger one has.
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amother
Lightcoral


 

Post Thu, Jun 06 2024, 8:48 am
amother OP wrote:
I have 2 children. The oldest is 5 and the youngest is about to turn three. Whenever my youngest gets something, my oldest wants the same. This also comes when I give them both a yogurt with their preferred flavors and suddenly my oldest wants the same flavor as my youngest. When my youngest asks for water, or cereal, soon after my oldest will ask for the same thing at the same time. Two days ago my youngest got a new toy carriage and my oldest was insisting for one too. We ask them to share but it turns into a fight. My DH brought another toy carriage yesterday and gave the new one to my youngest and the other to my oldest. My oldest threw a fit like never before and it took a long time to calm down. Is this typical behavior? How can I help my oldest understand that whatever belongs to someone, it belongs to that person? How can I help my oldest cope?

Why should the younger one get the new once twice?!
Are you making sure to give the older one as much attention as you’re giving your younger one? Sounds like she’s jealous
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Jun 06 2024, 8:55 am
amother Lightcoral wrote:
Why should the younger one get the new once twice?!
Are you making sure to give the older one as much attention as you’re giving your younger one? Sounds like she’s jealous


Yes. We buy both kids toys at the same time every time we buy toys for the kids. No matter what my oldest gets even if its the most sophisticated coolest toy my oldest wants exactly what the younger one wants. Oldest gets lots of love and attention so I don't think it's that. DH thought oldest wanted that specific stroller so he told the oldest that the pink stroller is theirs now. I told him he should've brought the same stroller color.
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sarahph1




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jun 06 2024, 9:03 am
I’m going through the same thing
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amother
Mistyrose


 

Post Thu, Jun 06 2024, 9:09 am
I have a similar issue in that my children always need to have the same as their siblings. I have 3 of the same gender and close in age. If one child gets a new pair of shoes, the other one will get upset that they don't.
I often would buy 3 things to try and prevent, but then I realized that I wasn't really helping them for life. They won't and can't always get the same things in life. Your children may be too young for this but we say 'fair is not equal'. It's okay for them to get upset. I try and focus on the things they do have, and to give them special attention or time that's just for them.
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AlwaysGrateful




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jun 06 2024, 10:08 am
I think you need to not be afraid of your older one being upset. Kids do get upset, that's okay, let them feel their feelings, you can even empathize with them ("I know, it's hard when someone else gets something and you want it also"). But there's no reason to buy another one...

I'd specifically stop buying the same thing for both of them. I'm sure there are times when the older one gets something the younger one doesn't get (a treat from school, a party favor from a friend's birthday). When that happens, I would make a big deal saying to the younger one "I know, isn't that a great toy! That toy belongs to X. You can ask him if you can have a turn with it. He might say yes, or he might say no. Either one is okay, because it's his toy." And then do the same when the younger one gets something that the older one doesn't. It will take time, and yes, there will be some tears, but it's okay for them to learn that sometimes someone gets something that they don't, and they might feel jealous for a little while, and that's okay. And that sometimes they'll get something that their sibling doesn't. And that everyone gets what they need, and everyone sometimes gets things that they don't need but are just fun...
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Jun 06 2024, 1:22 pm
Thank you! It's just so worrying to see how my oldest cries and cries until we give the toy/cereal/yogurt/etc
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amother
Garnet


 

Post Thu, Jun 06 2024, 1:59 pm
Oldest is jealous and feels you like the younger one more.
If its true or not doesnt matter. This is how the older one perceives the situation and so she will try to get equal stuff to make her feel more loved.
Perhaps there are other ways you can make her feel special and more loved so that she will no longer have the need to steal love?
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Bnei Berak 10




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jun 06 2024, 2:09 pm
amother Garnet wrote:
Oldest is jealous and feels you like the younger one more.
If its true or not doesnt matter. This is how the older one perceives the situation and so she will try to get equal stuff to make her feel more loved.
Perhaps there are other ways you can make her feel special and more loved so that she will no longer have the need to steal love?

This!
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Bnei Berak 10




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jun 06 2024, 2:13 pm
Ice creams yoghurts etc you give the same taste to both of them same size identical ice cream or you don't give it all.
Different size or taste or whatever is another opportunity to throw a tantrum.
Identical or no treat it all.
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Dolly Welsh




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jun 06 2024, 2:20 pm
The oldest needs one-on-one time with the younger nowhere in sight. With her father.
And with you too, separately, with just you and her only.

You are trying too hard.

By buying all these foods and toys with a lot of carefulness about who gets their preferred thing and who gets what, you are making these things very important. Your honest well-meaning carefulness is actually causing part of the perception that what yogurt you get is the end of the world.

Pay far less attention to any of that. Adopt a casual attitude, go on to something else, distract both kids with some other thing. A story or an activity. Not an object or thing.

You are letting the kids do the defining, defining what's important.

But that's letting them rule.

You rule, not them.

Have a few more adults around for support. Find a way to have other people around, relatives, friends, baby sitters, chessed girls, who know who, but bigger people who the kids will be ashamed to make a fuss in front of.
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amother
Maize


 

Post Thu, Jun 06 2024, 2:28 pm
amother OP wrote:
Thank you! It's just so worrying to see how my oldest cries and cries until we give the toy/cereal/yogurt/etc


She knows if she cries and cries you will give her the same....

You can already start teaching her on her level that life isnt fair. If life was fair if the younger sibling would get hurt she will also need to get hurt.
When she gets a birthday present her younger sibling would also need to. etc etc. I recently started with my 6 and 4 yr old and have seen its helped.

Teach her from now, its alot easier than teaching a 9 yr old, or a teen that they cant get a car coz their friend got one....

like others have said make sure she gets 1 on 1 with a parent and gets spoilt rotten then.

Hatzlocha!
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AlwaysGrateful




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jun 06 2024, 2:34 pm
amother OP wrote:
Thank you! It's just so worrying to see how my oldest cries and cries until we give the toy/cereal/yogurt/etc


So I b'shittah don't give when they cry. Can you teach him to ask politely instead? And if he asks politely, for something that you wouldn't mind giving him anyway (like if his younger sibling got a yogurt and he walks into the kitchen), say yes. If he cries, tell him you can see that he wants something, and you'd love to give it to him if he can ask calmly....

And if it's something that there's no reason for him to have (e.g., his sibling got a present, or a treat from school, or whatever), then it's okay to say no. And he might cry, and that's normal and okay. Those are the vibes he should get from you. The main thing is for him to learn:

1. It's normal to want something that my sibling has.
2. Sometimes I can get it, but only if I ask nicely, not if I cry or kvetch about it.
3. Sometimes I can't get it, and that makes me feel sad, and that's okay. Another time I might get that thing, or I might get something even better, but right now it's okay that I wish I had that thing.
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