Home

Girls and Boys Playing Together

 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

Report offensive ad

View latest: 24h 48h 72h


amother






Post  Fri, Aug 29 2008, 2:29 am
First of all, I don't mean to discourage anyone from posting replies, but I am mainly looking for answers from people who have a similar hasgofa (chareidi...when I say this, I mean Litvish, chassidish, Lubavitch etc..) and who can relate to the situation. I do not want this to turn into a debate about tznius, chinuch etc...otherwise, I would have posted it somewhere else.

We are chareidi and I was attending a Shabbos shiur on Pirkei Avos. I have a 3 year old son and my friend has a four year old girl. Our Rebbe tells us that children should start to become sensitive to tznius at an early age.

My friend told me that she doesn't want me to come to the shiur anymore because she doesn't want my son to play with her daughter for tznius reasons. I have explained to my son that he should not touch or kiss girls, and I have never seen him touch this girl on previous occasions. They just play puzzles together etc...they are not the only children...there are other children there. (no boys my son's and the daughter's age, but babies and older kids)..

I felt that something else was going on. My dh thinks they have something against us and that she was just using this as an excuse to keep me from coming to the shiur anymore. I kind of put her on the spot (because I was kind of offended by this action) and said "Do you accept what Rav Y. has to say?" she said "yes" I said I will call Rav Y and see what he says about this.

Rav Y said there is no reason why I cannot attend the shiur.

But I stopped going. I was so offended by what seemed clearly to be thinly veiled rudeness that I won't go anymore, even though the Rav said it was okay and she agreed (I asked a Rebbetzin and she thought the woman was "going overboard" and was being silly)..

But has anyone heard of this? Could this woman really be super machmir or is my dh right, could this just be a subtle way of getting rid of me? My dh thinks they are jealous of us in some ways and at the same time, don't think we are "good enough" for them in other ways.

What do you think?
Back to top

amother






Post  Fri, Aug 29 2008, 3:16 am
amother wrote:
First of all, I don't mean to discourage anyone from posting replies, but I am mainly looking for answers from people who have a similar hasgofa (chareidi...when I say this, I mean Litvish, chassidish, Lubavitch etc..) and who can relate to the situation. I do not want this to turn into a debate about tznius, chinuch etc...otherwise, I would have posted it somewhere else.

We are chareidi and I was attending a Shabbos shiur on Pirkei Avos. I have a 3 year old son and my friend has a four year old girl. Our Rebbe tells us that children should start to become sensitive to tznius at an early age.

My friend told me that she doesn't want me to come to the shiur anymore because she doesn't want my son to play with her daughter for tznius reasons. I have explained to my son that he should not touch or kiss girls, and I have never seen him touch this girl on previous occasions. They just play puzzles together etc...they are not the only children...there are other children there. (no boys my son's and the daughter's age, but babies and older kids)..

I felt that something else was going on. My dh thinks they have something against us and that she was just using this as an excuse to keep me from coming to the shiur anymore. I kind of put her on the spot (because I was kind of offended by this action) and said "Do you accept what Rav Y. has to say?" she said "yes" I said I will call Rav Y and see what he says about this.

Rav Y said there is no reason why I cannot attend the shiur.

But I stopped going. I was so offended by what seemed clearly to be thinly veiled rudeness that I won't go anymore, even though the Rav said it was okay and she agreed (I asked a Rebbetzin and she thought the woman was "going overboard" and was being silly)..

But has anyone heard of this? Could this woman really be super machmir or is my dh right, could this just be a subtle way of getting rid of me? My dh thinks they are jealous of us in some ways and at the same time, don't think we are "good enough" for them in other ways.

What do you think?


I think if you want to keep going to the shiur, go. Whether or not she's jealous or there were other reasons is not your concern. Leave her nisyonos up to her to handle. You can be sensitive to why she's jealous, but don't let yourself be mistreated. If it's agreed on that the Rav you asked said it's ok, then go if you want.
Back to top

Imaonwheels









  


Post  Fri, Aug 29 2008, 3:22 am
Can you go without your ds? I teach the Shabbos Pirke Avos here and I discourage kids that old coming because it can make it difficult. A shiur in a home where the women have to look after someone other than a nursing baby is difficult.

As to the issue, I didn't let my ds play with girls. Once or twice girls came over to as for one of my boys and I told them nicely that he doesn't play with girls. I was a bit annoyed at the mothers who sent their girls over because they know us.
Back to top

HindaRochel









  


Post  Fri, Aug 29 2008, 3:40 am
amother wrote:

We are chareidi and I was attending a Shabbos shiur on Pirkei Avos. I have a 3 year old son and my friend has a four year old girl. Our Rebbe tells us that children should start to become sensitive to tznius at an early age.

My friend told me that she doesn't want me to come to the shiur anymore because she doesn't want my son to play with her daughter for tznius reasons. I have explained to my son that he should not touch or kiss girls, and I have never seen him touch this girl on previous occasions. They just play puzzles together etc...they are not the only children...there are other children there. (no boys my son's and the daughter's age, but babies and older kids)..


Why should you have to stop coming to the shiur? Does your friend give the shiur in her house? If so then she has the right to say who enters the house and can make a "no boys over x age" or a "no children" rule. But if not, if the shiur isn't in her house than it is none of her business that you bring your child. That is up to the hosts.
Back to top

amother






Post  Fri, Aug 29 2008, 3:48 am
I think it's not right of her to tell you not to come.

But at the same time I used to visit a friend of mine who has a 5 year old boy and I have a 5 year old girl.
They would play together and sometimes fight or end up on the floor together and I did not feel it was appropriate so stopped going to her.
Back to top

Ruchel









  


Post  Fri, Aug 29 2008, 4:27 am
Can there be a playing ok but no touching rule? or touching ok if it's like touching to push someone only?
Back to top

Isramom8









  


Post  Fri, Aug 29 2008, 4:28 am
We are in an "out of town" Israel community. The chareidi kids are together till school age (together in gan). Generally by gan chova - kindergarten age - they naturally tend to play with kids of the same gender. After this age I would gently discourage mixed gender playing. I wouldn't do mixed playdates for schoolage kids. But it doesn't have to be treated like a big problem. Of course, it depends on your community.
Back to top

Ima'la









  


Post  Fri, Aug 29 2008, 4:33 am
If the friend said she accepts what Rav Y. says and he said it's ok, I think you should go if you want to. If she was just trying to get rid of you, I'm sure she'll find another not-so-subtle hint/excuse, and then you'll know.
Back to top

yo'ma









  


Post  Fri, Aug 29 2008, 7:04 am
Like other posters said, if it's not in her house, it's not up to her. If she has a problem with it, then she shouldn't go to the shiur or not bring her daughter. Why should you suffer?
Back to top

freidasima









  


Post  Fri, Aug 29 2008, 7:46 am
I'm Shtark MO so for us this is no problem, but my father a"h grew up Chassidish in Poland and there is a family story that when he was three his first cousin (girl) from Germany was visiting and she was seven, they were sitting on the steps of the house together side by side when their grandmother walked by and was very upset by what she saw: "a girl your age shouldn't be sitting next to a boy already, even a first cousin!".

So this was definitely Chassidish minhag, at least then...
Back to top

Clarissa









  


Post  Fri, Aug 29 2008, 7:49 am
Not an issue in our family (my nine year old boy plays with both boys and girls) but I understand the belief, and I also wonder why this woman is in charge. If she's uncomfortable, she should stay home. She has no right to keep you away.
Back to top

Raisin









  


Post  Fri, Aug 29 2008, 8:32 am
in my lubavitch kindergarten (chareidi kids from other groups go there too) it is mixed. the oldest class, 3-4 year olds are seperated but in adjoining classrooms. I can't remember that far back but I am pretty sure the boys and girls played together in the playground.
Back to top

Atali









  


Post  Fri, Aug 29 2008, 9:47 am
I have been wondering about the same issue. Currently my DS is in a mixed class (he's four) which I don't like, but unfortunately I have no choice. He should be in a seperate class by the time he is six.

However, we live in a neighborhood where all of the kids play together, both boys and girls up until about age nine or ten (all of the kids are charedi BTW). I'm not comfortable with the idea, but I don't know what to do about it.
Back to top

First Lady









  


Post  Fri, Aug 29 2008, 4:16 pm
I'm Chassidish. My daughter (almost 6 ka"h) play with boys without a problem. At my parents or in-laws all the kids play together, they are mostly under 10.
I've never heard of not letting boys and girls play together at a younger age only by the very extremely frum ones.
Back to top

flowerpower









  


Post  Fri, Aug 29 2008, 6:08 pm
My kids play outside with with both genders-they are kids up to age 10. Many kids on the block are chasidish and the parents don't have a problem with it.

I would continue going to the shiur and let my kid continue playing with the other kids there. If she doesn't like it, let her deal with her dc. You shouldn't have to be the one losing out.
Back to top
Recent Topics

Page 1 of 1 View latest: 24h 48h 72h


Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

Similar Topics Replies Last Post
Little Boys and Bathrooms -Please help...
by amother
15 Today at 11:18 am View last post
Two girls, one room, different needs
by amother
18 Today at 9:00 am View last post
Giving away size 5T boys summer wardrobe. Brookyln
by simba
0 Yesterday at 10:58 pm View last post
Evening sports for boys South Lakewood
by amother
0 Yesterday at 8:59 pm View last post
Boys wool trench coat (online) 3 Yesterday at 7:58 pm View last post

Jump to:  



Report offensive ad