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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Our Challenging Children (gifted, ADHD, sensitive, defiant)
Would you say no your ADHD almost 12 year old 95% of the tim
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Would you no to an ADHD almost 12 year old girl 95% of the time?
yes  
 4%  [ 1 ]
no  
 85%  [ 18 ]
other. pls explain in comments  
 9%  [ 2 ]
Total Votes : 21



imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jun 09 2024, 7:38 am
Insist in no uncertain terms that your DH come to talk to a therapist. You probably already know which of the professionals in your life might get through to him best.

It's time to come up with an approach that takes parents' strengths into account, rather than one or the other. It will only get more important as DD gets older. The right therapist or parent training can help with that.
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bwaybabe85




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jun 09 2024, 7:55 am
Sounds to me like the meds aren’t working effectively. Time to go back to the doctor for a change or dosage increase.
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ora_43




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jun 09 2024, 10:10 am
Your approach and your dh's approach both sound pretty extreme.

Kids with ADHD need consequences, too. If your kid lashes out and hurts a sibling or a parent, there needs to be a response. If your kid is acting irresponsibly, there need to be consequences.

OTOH taking away social interaction and exercise (swimming) is going to do more harm than good. And I don't love the framing of "treat her like the age she's acting." A 12-year-old with ADHD (or ASD, etc) might not be capable of age-appropriate behavior in every single area of life, but that doesn't make them any less 12 years old, with a very real need to be treated like an almost-teenager. Giving a kid freedom at this age isn't just a gift to them, it's part of their development. Same for letting them see friends and have an age-appropriate bedtime.

JMHO: Focus on ONE, maximum two, areas of improvement. Not "act like a neurotypical 12-year-old or else." One or two things.

Set realistic goalposts in those two areas. Like, if she's been hitting siblings every day, "no hitting all week" is not a realistic goal. "No hitting for two days" or "hitting no more than three times a week" might be realistic goals.

And then set consequences for those things. Both reward, and punishment. The punishment should not significantly impact her social life or her ability to be part of productive activities (athletics, school) - those are things that help with ADHD and anxiety, so taking them away is shooting yourself in the foot. Think more along the lines of rescinding a privilege (losing phone time, or TV time, or allowance) (if there are no privileges that can easily be taken away, start giving her more privileges, then you'll have more to bargain with).
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ora_43




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jun 09 2024, 10:11 am
Don't get me wrong, it's OK to say no to sleepovers, going out at night, etc, on occasion. Like, a kid who goes out at night and comes back an hour after they said they would can lose the ability to go out at night for a week. A kid who spends the afternoon bullying her siblings can lose out on a sleepover that night. It's just something that should be limited, not a go-to punishment any time a kid acts 'less than her age'
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amother
Teal


 

Post Sun, Jun 09 2024, 11:23 am
I think as long as she is on medication you have to be a little forgiving and assisting her to have fun with friends
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amother
Cyclamen


 

Post Sun, Jun 09 2024, 11:27 am
ora_43 wrote:
Your approach and your dh's approach both sound pretty extreme.

Kids with ADHD need consequences, too. If your kid lashes out and hurts a sibling or a parent, there needs to be a response. If your kid is acting irresponsibly, there need to be consequences.

OTOH taking away social interaction and exercise (swimming) is going to do more harm than good. And I don't love the framing of "treat her like the age she's acting." A 12-year-old with ADHD (or ASD, etc) might not be capable of age-appropriate behavior in every single area of life, but that doesn't make them any less 12 years old, with a very real need to be treated like an almost-teenager. Giving a kid freedom at this age isn't just a gift to them, it's part of their development. Same for letting them see friends and have an age-appropriate bedtime.

JMHO: Focus on ONE, maximum two, areas of improvement. Not "act like a neurotypical 12-year-old or else." One or two things.

Set realistic goalposts in those two areas. Like, if she's been hitting siblings every day, "no hitting all week" is not a realistic goal. "No hitting for two days" or "hitting no more than three times a week" might be realistic goals.

And then set consequences for those things. Both reward, and punishment. The punishment should not significantly impact her social life or her ability to be part of productive activities (athletics, school) - those are things that help with ADHD and anxiety, so taking them away is shooting yourself in the foot. Think more along the lines of rescinding a privilege (losing phone time, or TV time, or allowance) (if there are no privileges that can easily be taken away, start giving her more privileges, then you'll have more to bargain with).

I have a similar kid like this.
What would be some appropriate privileges to give her?
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amother
Ecru


 

Post Sun, Jun 09 2024, 11:27 am
amother OP wrote:
Can you please expound on the bolded?


A privilege like a sleepover should not be connected to good or bad behavior. She should be allowed to have friends and have a fun activities. She doesn't need to earn things like this. My heart is a breaking for her and so is yours. You need to find another way to reach her.
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amother
Teal


 

Post Sun, Jun 09 2024, 12:35 pm
amother Ecru wrote:
A privilege like a sleepover should not be connected to good or bad behavior. She should be allowed to have friends and have a fun activities. She doesn't need to earn things like this. My heart is a breaking for her and so is yours. You need to find another way to reach her.

Right. Restricting her social life will just isolate her and make the situation worse. You can punish her by not getting dessert or that kind of thing
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ora_43




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jun 13 2024, 7:34 am
amother Cyclamen wrote:
I have a similar kid like this.
What would be some appropriate privileges to give her?

It really depends on the kid and on your family's standards. Like, if you're against internet access in general, internet access won't work. For us, screen time is the big one, and if I need to pull out the big guns it's usually "stop, or I'm turning off the internet."

(at least one of my kids is capable of turning off the internet on me far more effectively than I could to her. luckily, she's not the one I need to carrot-and-stick into decent behavior.)

Other privileges: being trusted to go out alone, going out at night, being allowed to use/borrow certain items (eg use the kitchen to cook freely, using a computer, borrowing a parent's clothes or makeup). Things that are adjacent to social life but not critical to it (eg driving a kid and her friends around, allowing them to stay up late (per the standards of their age group)).

Rewards can also serve a similar role.
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