My daughter's morah made me feel like a nobody...

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amother

Sun, Aug 31 2008, 1:05 pm

...because I'm not from an old, chashuve family in our community and she is. Orientation was today and I feel so sad because she did not treat those of us who are outside of that group (especially those of us who are BTs) with the same warmth and friendliness as those who are.

Is she going to treat my daughter differently in class???

Clarissa

Sun, Aug 31 2008, 1:08 pm

We went through a similar thing a few years ago. The teacher had a clear preference for a particular kind of mother, and many of the moms in the class noticed it. Different reasons and preferences than your teacher, but very obvious at class functions. Still, I saw no difference in how she treated the children. Just saw a difference in how she behaved at school when the parents were there. Many of the mothers would laugh about it, because it was so obvious.

She'll probably be fair to the children, so don't worry about it unless you see something happening that is obviously unfair.

ChossidMom

Sun, Aug 31 2008, 2:25 pm

Sometimes I wonder - can someone make you feel inferior? Or is it an internal weakness you walk into the school with? I'm really just wondering. I could give two hoots what anyone thinks about me and my family as long as I feel good with who I am. I'm different that most of the people in my neighborhood. Who cares? I'm not worried about shidduchim. If they don't want me I certainly don't want them!

Clarissa

Sun, Aug 31 2008, 2:36 pm

Who wouldn't want to be a part of your family? I'm still trying to figure out how I can get in, ChossidMom.

greenfire

Sun, Aug 31 2008, 2:56 pm

exactly - it's up to you to allow her to make you feel a certain way as you are in control of your own feelings ... you know in life that is not the real way - so really whatever she does is in regard to who she is rather than you ... not sure if I would be happy with my kiddie in such a situation - then again just make sure she is proud of who she is for herself ...

ChossidMom

Sun, Aug 31 2008, 3:29 pm

Clarissa wrote:

Who wouldn't want to be a part of your family? I'm still trying to figure out how I can get in, ChossidMom.

hahahaha. In about 6 years time, when I'm ready to find a girl for my son, we'll see if you have a girl who's the right age. We'll check you and your daughter out extensively and if you pass, we'll let the couple meet for an hour or so......That's how they tell me the Chassidim do it! I can't imagine how I'm ever going to do this, but like my husband always says " Hashem Ya'azor". So, who knows? Maybe we'll be family? That is, if you go for cute guys with Payos, round hats and long Chossid coats! (as a matter of fact, I have to purchase my son's first long coat and hat shortly, for his bar mitzva!).

Here he is:

But seriously, I am more open minded. I'm American (big strike against us) and I don't quiiiiite toe the line. I really could care less. I know that God is in charge and not all those people who are looking for a size 4 or an Israeli with yichus on both sides. Whoever I'm not good enough for can really jump in the lake. And as far as teachers go - as long as they treat my kids well - that's ok with me. I don't really care what they think of my hashkafas.

Clarissa

Sun, Aug 31 2008, 4:05 pm

Mother of only boys here. Maybe I'll just consider you my virtual cousin. Lovely boy, though.

ChossidMom

Sun, Aug 31 2008, 4:11 pm

Well, if you hadn't noticed - his sister is right next to him. She's 10 (and has already informed me she wants to marry someone "modern", so there's hope...)

Motek

Sun, Aug 31 2008, 5:55 pm

amother wrote:

she did not treat those of us who are outside of that group (especially those of us who are BTs) with the same warmth and friendliness as those who are.

Was this an objective assessment on your part? Was it obvious to all that she was discriminating?

Is it possible you were projecting your insecurity?

Clarissa

Sun, Aug 31 2008, 6:43 pm

ChossidMom wrote:

Well, if you hadn't noticed - his sister is right next to him. She's 10 (and has already informed me she wants to marry someone "modern", so there's hope...)

It's a match! Let's have a drink.

bubby

Mon, Sep 01 2008, 12:00 am

I don't believe you are inferior to anyone!! If she's a snob that's her problem. No one can make you feel inferior without your permission, so don't let her. YOU are as good & probably a lot better than she. IF she discriminates in class, that's something you should nip in the bud, but I would agree with Clarissa: she probably will be fine with the children.

I once complained about a jumped-up little pipsqueak (don't you just love that expression LOL

) & even though I was told I misunderstood, the teacher was far more respectful the next time we met. But most of these Morahs don't mean any harm...maybe she knows some other mothers or is even related to them.

amother

Mon, Sep 01 2008, 3:14 pm

Quote:

Is it possible you were projecting your insecurity?

I don't think "blaming the victim" is fair in this case. Why not accept my version of events? I was worried about how my daughter would be treated based on the way the morah treated me. I haven't had this problem with any of my daughter's other moros, so I don't think that it's a BT inferiority complex at work.

The phrase "made me feel inferior" makes people automatically want to quote Eleanor Roosevelt. But to me, that phrase doesn't mean what some posters took it to mean. I don't mean that I personally felt like a nobody, just that she made me feel that she saw me as a nobody. Clear? And that worried me a lot, because I don't want her to treat my daughter differently from some of the other girls.

Teachers wield a lot of power over the girls. I really hope that Clarissa and Bubby are right. It's nice to say that it doesn't matter what someone thinks of you, but their opinion of you does matter a lot if they end up treating your 6-year-old differently in class.

But as my Bubby would say, don't go borrowing trouble!

Raisin

Mon, Sep 01 2008, 3:18 pm

As a teacher, I might love my students, but not their parents.

but I would be worried about the middos this teacher is exhibiting.

octopus

Mon, Sep 01 2008, 3:35 pm

Many times when we "sense" certain vibes coming from people- they are usually correct.

Women tend to be passive aggressive. I believe you, OP. This teacher made you feel like a nobody. I know people who make me feel like that, too. I don't like them, and I try to avoid them.

I sure hope, for your sake, that your child has a good year in this teacher's class.

Fox

Mon, Sep 01 2008, 4:23 pm

amother wrote:

I was worried about how my daughter would be treated based on the way the morah treated me. I haven't had this problem with any of my daughter's other moros, so I don't think that it's a BT inferiority complex at work.

I have had the occasional similar experience and I've witnessed numerous experiences. I think the OP is wise to be concerned. It is unfortunate, but many of our teachers lack the training or mentoring they need, and they sometimes project their prejudices and stereotypes onto their students and the students' families.

I have a friend who works as an LCSW in Jewish schools, and she has come up with a phrase for one of the problems she regularly encounters: "BT Pathology". Her experience is that certain teachers regularly characterize anything amiss in the performance or behavior of the children of BT parents as requiring intervention. The same behavior from the child of a family known to the teacher, however, is dismissed as something that will be "outgrown".

My friend is often frustrated because overlooking certain problems deprives children from well-known families of the help they need; at the same time, the BT parents become embittered by being called to the school for every hiccup.

Let me emphasize that this problem is limited to a very small minority of teachers. If your child's teacher belongs to that minority, however, it can be devastating. Unfortunately, there's not much you can do other than monitor the situation.

I will pass along one trick that I used when I had a somewhat related problem: I explained the situation to one of my friends who belonged to the kehilla favored by the teacher. Not surprisingly, she had heard similar complaints about this teacher for many years. I asked her to put in a good word for me the next time she ran into the woman. She saw the teacher not long after and said something like, "Oh, Mrs. Fox is so thrilled that her DD is in your class this year. You know, she and I have been friends absolutely forever!" From that point on, the relationship improved immensely!

octopus

Mon, Sep 01 2008, 5:16 pm

I remember one teacher (out of many) that seemed to favor the children that came from the more "choshuve" families. This was in high school. But it didn't affect my getting good grades, though.

If this teacher really does have a favoritism problem, she will probably exhibit it by calling on those kids more in class.

Motek

Tue, Sep 02 2008, 11:52 am

amother wrote:

I don't think "blaming the victim" is fair in this case. Why not accept my version of events?

Who blamed anybody? Did you read my questions? I asked:

Quote:

Was this an objective assessment on your part? Was it obvious to all that she was discriminating?

Is it possible you were projecting your insecurity?

Clarissa

Tue, Sep 02 2008, 12:57 pm

Motek wrote:

amother wrote:

I don't think "blaming the victim" is fair in this case. Why not accept my version of events?

Who blamed anybody? Did you read my questions? I asked:

Quote:

Was this an objective assessment on your part? Was it obvious to all that she was discriminating?

Is it possible you were projecting your insecurity?

I agree. I do believe that some people are snobs, but sometimes some of us wind up feeling snubbed when we're not. Example: My first year at our school I was walking home after dropping off, and I saw two women from class who were obviously going for coffee together. Neither acknowledged me, walking right by them. I felt like they were snobby and cliquish. I called my husband and whined (lucky guy) about the women at school. Fast forward a few years later, one of them is a very close friend, the other a more casual friend, and I told that story to my close friend who was shocked, because she really liked me at the time, but probably didn't notice me. Same with teachers -- if we don't get eachother, I might suspect that somehow I'm not on some list of favorites, but instead I give her the benefit of the doubt unless I feel pretty sure. As I told you, OP, there are teachers like that (I told that story of ours, who did kiss the you-know-whats of certain mothers, and everybody knew it), but it won't affect your kid's year as much as yours, if you let it. It's important to know what is insecurity and what is reality.

eta one last part to the story: The teacher I told you about used to kiss up to the wealthy, UES moms. It was pretty obvious, and the other moms would joke about it. Once I was out having ice cream with my child and I saw that teacher, having ice cream with the children of one of those women she always loved. You know what? My kid had a great year with her, he never noticed any preferential treatment, whether or not it existed.

greenfire

Tue, Sep 02 2008, 2:23 pm

amother wrote:

The phrase "made me feel inferior" makes people automatically want to quote Eleanor Roosevelt. But to me, that phrase doesn't mean what some posters took it to mean. I don't mean that I personally felt like a nobody, just that she made me feel that she saw me as a nobody. Clear? And that worried me a lot, because I don't want her to treat my daughter differently from some of the other girls.

I hear you for what it's worth ...

HealthCoach

Tue, Sep 02 2008, 3:12 pm

Is it possible that she just knew some of the other parents from before, perhaps because she taught siblings

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