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Instead of shouting....
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Jun 19 2024, 8:46 am
Help me out here please. I want to stop yelling, it's really hard for me. My kids only seem to listen when I yell. Speaking sternly doesn't work.
I keep working on not yelling but I think it won't actually work if I don't have something that works in it's place.
I don't have any consequences to use that don't involve them having to abide by the consequences which they don't and then I'm back to square one.
Any practical ideas for this?
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amother
Mimosa


 

Post Wed, Jun 19 2024, 8:49 am
Speak softly into a megaphone, lol.
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amother
Viola


 

Post Wed, Jun 19 2024, 8:52 am
I ask nicely first and if they don't listen, I continue in a calm voice " OK, I'm gonna have to become a strict mother....." It usually does it.
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giftedmom




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jun 19 2024, 8:52 am
Why do consequences require them to abide by the consequences?
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amother
Eggshell


 

Post Wed, Jun 19 2024, 10:14 am
wish I had an answer. im the same
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Jun 19 2024, 10:44 am
giftedmom wrote:
Why do consequences require them to abide by the consequences?


Meaning consequence can mean that they go to bed early but then I'm dealing with getting them to listen to the consequence.
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amother
Cognac


 

Post Wed, Jun 19 2024, 10:54 am
amother OP wrote:
Meaning consequence can mean that they go to bed early but then I'm dealing with getting them to listen to the consequence.


So maybe do it the other way - like, whoever does x will get y. Like whoever listens right away can pick a book for you to read to them, or get a treat, or 15 min later bedtime etc.
And whoever doesn't does not get that extra thing.

Sometimes I try to think why are they not listening. What are they doing instead. Then I address that with them. Let's say they are too engrossed in their book. So I ask them if they like the book. I can tell they are really reading it. Did they hear me call their name? What did they think when I said they should do something. I know they really wanted to still read but if I call their name they have to stop and answer.
Then maybe reward when they do come right away or make a chart for it or do something else to help implement what you are trying to change. Maybe ask them what they think could be done to improve the behavior.
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amother
Holly


 

Post Thu, Jun 20 2024, 11:26 am
Someone here suggested the book, Yell less, Love more, the orange rhino.
it was life changing for me.
it is full full full of different ways of parenting instead of yelling.
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amother
Taupe


 

Post Thu, Jun 20 2024, 11:39 am
Get down on your knees, on the kids level. Look into their eyes and say very softly. โ€œYou need to clean your room right now. I know I can trust you to do it. Do you want to do it now, or in five minutes.โ€ Then say ok and leave.
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giftedmom




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jun 20 2024, 11:43 am
amother OP wrote:
Meaning consequence can mean that they go to bed early but then I'm dealing with getting them to listen to the consequence.

It can also mean losing a treat or a privilege which is in your control not theirs
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amother
Cinnamon


 

Post Wed, Jun 26 2024, 12:24 pm
amother Taupe wrote:
Get down on your knees, on the kids level. Look into their eyes and say very softly. โ€œYou need to clean your room right now. I know I can trust you to do it. Do you want to do it now, or in five minutes.โ€ Then say ok and leave.


I'm not the OP but I have the same problem.

I've tried different version of the above many times and it does not work. Typically, they'll just say "no" and not do it (that's if they're in the mood to be argumentative. If they're not, they'll just do it and I don't need any strategy.)

We've had some awful days in the last couple of weeks with the kids home. I've set up a number of activities and most of them they don't want to do. Often when I can get them to start an activity, they like it, but mostly they don't want to start. Everyone enjoys helping me with cooking or cleaning, but ONLY if they'll be the only one, so there are always fights to stay with me and fights between whoever isn't doing the activity.

Even if I manage to engage everyone in the same activity that I'll do with them, they often get in the mood to annoy each other for the sake of getting a reaction and they'll be quite determined to do that so the whole things ends in chaos.

I don't resort to shouting instantly, but after a while of trying to separate kids who are antagonising one another without making a big deal of it, gentle "would you stop doing X to annoy your brother" or "lets not ruin the game/ activity by fighting" I end up having to raise my voice to make myself heard over their shouts!

Seriously, where am I going wrong?
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amother
Pink


 

Post Wed, Jun 26 2024, 12:37 pm
I use funny statements and games quite often. Not work all the times, but I find them very efective.

For example, when I know I will ask them something they don't like I add something like "who wants to hear the song about the socks that got lost in the countryside?"... I try to say that with their socks in my hands and with a really funny voice. Or, for picking toys from the ground.. "do you know how toys share their secrets? I DO! They have to be in their right place before 3pm. Let's try to to it on time and then we can sit very close to hear them speaking ".

It is also a good exercise for keeping my mind creative.. hehe.
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amother
Cinnamon


 

Post Wed, Jun 26 2024, 12:48 pm
amother Pink wrote:
I use funny statements and games quite often. Not work all the times, but I find them very efective.

For example, when I know I will ask them something they don't like I add something like "who wants to hear the song about the socks that got lost in the countryside?"... I try to say that with their socks in my hands and with a really funny voice. Or, for picking toys from the ground.. "do you know how toys share their secrets? I DO! They have to be in their right place before 3pm. Let's try to to it on time and then we can sit very close to hear them speaking ".

It is also a good exercise for keeping my mind creative.. hehe.


How old are your kids? This example wouldn't work with my older ones but I do use funny statements and other distractions a lot but it probably works less than 50% of the time. Once they're in the mood not to be receptive to that of they're only determined to fight, that's all they will do.

Also, I find these kind of distractions only work if you see something starting and can nip it in the bud. If you step out of the room for a few seconds to go to the bathroom or get a drink and kids start fighting, then what do you do?
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Jun 26 2024, 12:50 pm
Thank you reviving this thread. I'm still yelling unfortunately.
I don't really have good consequences.
I yell when we have to get out the door or anytime there's a time constraint and they aren't listening.
I yell at bedtime when I've sent them back to their room a bunch of times and they are back out bothering each other.
I yell when they bother or tease each other incessantly and don't listen when I tell them to stop.
I should say, I resort to yelling when....

They don't listen until I yell. I wish I had methods that actually worked. Whispering, speaking eye to eye doesn't work.
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amother
Pink


 

Post Wed, Jun 26 2024, 1:02 pm
amother Cinnamon wrote:
How old are your kids? This example wouldn't work with my older ones but I do use funny statements and other distractions a lot but it probably works less than 50% of the time. Once they're in the mood not to be receptive to that of they're only determined to fight, that's all they will do.

Also, I find these kind of distractions only work if you see something starting and can nip it in the bud. If you step out of the room for a few seconds to go to the bathroom or get a drink and kids start fighting, then what do you do?


I was thinking in that while I was writing. The oldest is 5.

Normally they don't fight, but they do messes. In that case I sit in the middle of the room and I call them. I ask them "Ey! We made a big mess here!! How can we repair the place?". I think that at least in these ages, they are happy that I am involved. So they usually fix what they did.
I have no clue what I will do when they grow up, but for now it is great not to yell so often. Sometimes, I am tired, or very hurry, or just without any patience and I yell, but I always find that it gets everything worst. If I am hurry they will answer yelling as well and I will have to deal with some tantrums .. or they stop what they are doing but are not willing to repair their error.
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amother
Whitesmoke


 

Post Wed, Jun 26 2024, 1:10 pm
Here's a long-term solution which, if implemented now, will save your sanity and give you a beautiful relationship with your kids and the happy home you're looking for. It is not a quick, easy fix but it is a really worthwhile process if you can make the mindshift.

Firstly, look at what your rules are. Look at them deeply. Decide how many of them are absolutely necessary and worth fighting for. Discard the ones that are rooted in flimsy concepts like, "Because that's the way we do things around here..." There are only so many hills you can die on with your kids.

Then, look at what's going wrong when you yell. You say "When we have to get out the door", for example, so take a look at that stressful situatoin and take a retrospective analysis of what has to happen differently ON YOUR END. Forget the kids. Maybe YOU need to get up earlier so you're ready faster. Maybe you need to give everyone a prize chart in advance or make them a nice breakfast to motivate them, or turn on music to get them going in a positive way. All the crunch times and stress points need to be troubleshooted when you're in a calm, calculated place; not in the moment because then yelling really does seem like the only available tool!

And lastly, see if there might be ways to cultivate a closer relationship with your kids. The more they like you, the more eager to please you they will be. But don't forget that kids are people to and there are always going to be times that even the BEST kids and the BEST mothers are out of sync and yelling happens!

I hope this is helpful! ๐Ÿ’—๐Ÿ’—
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amother
Hotpink


 

Post Wed, Jun 26 2024, 4:57 pm
I strongly recommend taking the ( relatively inexpensive) parenting course by rabbi daniel whitman of lakewood
He as a student of rabbi yacobson of to spare the child
if you follow his mahalech, you will be changing what you are saying and by default it will change how you say it and you will never ever need to yell again
Been there done that
I didnt yell, I hollered
But I will say the course was transformative
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amother
Cerise


 

Post Wed, Jun 26 2024, 5:29 pm
amother Whitesmoke wrote:
Here's a long-term solution which, if implemented now, will save your sanity and give you a beautiful relationship with your kids and the happy home you're looking for. It is not a quick, easy fix but it is a really worthwhile process if you can make the mindshift.

Firstly, look at what your rules are. Look at them deeply. Decide how many of them are absolutely necessary and worth fighting for. Discard the ones that are rooted in flimsy concepts like, "Because that's the way we do things around here..." There are only so many hills you can die on with your kids.

Then, look at what's going wrong when you yell. You say "When we have to get out the door", for example, so take a look at that stressful situatoin and take a retrospective analysis of what has to happen differently ON YOUR END. Forget the kids. Maybe YOU need to get up earlier so you're ready faster. Maybe you need to give everyone a prize chart in advance or make them a nice breakfast to motivate them, or turn on music to get them going in a positive way. All the crunch times and stress points need to be troubleshooted when you're in a calm, calculated place; not in the moment because then yelling really does seem like the only available tool!

And lastly, see if there might be ways to cultivate a closer relationship with your kids. The more they like you, the more eager to please you they will be. But don't forget that kids are people to and there are always going to be times that even the BEST kids and the BEST mothers are out of sync and yelling happens!

I hope this is helpful! ๐Ÿ’—๐Ÿ’—


Sounds lovely. Works sometimes. I'd lovw your perspective on how to use strategies like this with a child who will not get put of bed to start getting ready until the actual minute that we must leave in order to make it to school in the shortest time it can take. So if school starts at 9:00, and the ride is usually 15 minutes but can take 11, won't get up until 8:49. And then takes ten minutes to get ready. And is too young to be left home alone. And makes everyone else late so there is yelling not just from me. And no reward system or medication changes this.

I agree that we yell when we don't see a solution. And I do think we should look for creative ones. But I think we have to acknowledge that there are common problems that may not have a workable solution. So if I want to stop yelling, I need a general approach that works with the idea that there may not actually be a way to solve the problem. I need to figure out how to manage the me who has nothing left, without miraculously finding the something.
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amother
Gardenia


 

Post Wed, Jun 26 2024, 5:39 pm
amother OP wrote:
Thank you reviving this thread. I'm still yelling unfortunately.
I don't really have good consequences.
I yell when we have to get out the door or anytime there's a time constraint and they aren't listening.
I yell at bedtime when I've sent them back to their room a bunch of times and they are back out bothering each other.
I yell when they bother or tease each other incessantly and don't listen when I tell them to stop.
I should say, I resort to yelling when....

They don't listen until I yell. I wish I had methods that actually worked. Whispering, speaking eye to eye doesn't work.


Ugh I tell also and then my kid yells also. But itโ€™s so hard they donโ€™t listen
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amother
Gardenia


 

Post Wed, Jun 26 2024, 5:40 pm
amother Gardenia wrote:
Ugh I yell also and then my kid yells also. But itโ€™s so hard they donโ€™t listen
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