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Forum -> Chinuch, Education & Schooling
This Tough Challenge is Making Me Rethink Everything
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Jun 19 2024, 12:34 pm
I'm 34 years old and for the first time in my life I am rethinking my entire lifestyle.

I've always been a good kid. I was well liked in school by everyone and in high school I developed into a deeply spiritual and well-behaved girl. I've always been a seeker but I never had a problem with Yiddishkeit and I've never behaved rebelliously.

I got married to a less-serious-than-me guy, but we are raising a wonderful family (if I do say so myself). My kids are wonderful and I count my blessings.

Unfortunately some really bad things went down with my kids school this year. I'll spare the ugly details to protect the guilty, but it involved throwing my kids out of school, and lots and lots of rejection from other schools, as well as constant feelings of self-criticism and paranoia. Their school has been stringing us along for months - making us plead and beg while they further reject us. We feel like garbage.

I'm angry and I feel vengeful. I hate that other trash people can make me feel this way, take all my life's effort and investment and trash it, and take control the direction of my home.

Do I want to keep raising my kids in this system? At this point 100% no.

But how can I possibly uproot my kids entire lifestyle, rip them away from truly wonderful friends? Also, even if I hypothetically abandoned my family and moved away to some place where I could live and breathe in peace, I know that there's no running away from Hashem. I'm stuck and don't believe in any of this bs.
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amother
cornflower


 

Post Wed, Jun 19 2024, 12:37 pm
Story as old as time

The Torah is perfect. Humans are not.

There are truly awful people who use the Torah to pretend to be holy

There will always be evil, stupid, selfish or downright cruel people even jews. Sorry but that's the fact of it.

Whether you choose to allow them to derail your own life ... is your choice.
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amother
Oatmeal


 

Post Wed, Jun 19 2024, 12:47 pm
amother cornflower wrote:
Story as old as time

The Torah is perfect. Humans are not.

There are truly awful people who use the Torah to pretend to be holy

There will always be evil, stupid, selfish or downright cruel people even jews. Sorry but that's the fact of it.

Whether you choose to allow them to derail your own life ... is your choice.


This.

Op, I'm so sorry for whatever you & your family are going through.

I'm a "bt", & was very naaive until married & a parent. My dh grew up in the system, & wasn't naaive, & due to him, plus the relatively new world of podcasts (think 18Forty, halacha headlines for example) where serious, often very sobering, ugly issues are discussed, for better or worse I'm far more aware.

I don't know you, but I hope you'll hang in there & not throw out the baby with the bathwater. The world "out there" has plenty, plenty, plenty of problems too, maybe be careful not to overlook nuance & risk romanticizing things. I think Avraham being an ivri, & standing apart, is sometimes relevant for people today who are in the system, & it can be ugly.

Hatzlacha raba
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Jun 19 2024, 12:47 pm
amother cornflower wrote:
Story as old as time

The Torah is perfect. Humans are not.

There are truly awful people who use the Torah to pretend to be holy

There will always be evil, stupid, selfish or downright cruel people even jews. Sorry but that's the fact of it.

Whether you choose to allow them to derail your own life ... is your choice.


So this is simply about choice?
Is that all you got?
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amother
Firethorn


 

Post Wed, Jun 19 2024, 1:12 pm
You're a victim of spiritual abuse, Plain and simple.

In my opinion, that's the ugliest type of abuse out there.
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amother
Begonia


 

Post Wed, Jun 19 2024, 2:13 pm
OP, hugs, this sounds so painful. Do you have to change your life drastically, though? Can you switch to a school/community more aligned with your comfort and values even if it isn’t perfect?
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amother
Black


 

Post Wed, Jun 19 2024, 2:20 pm
I feel you sister.
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TR91




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jun 19 2024, 2:37 pm
amother OP wrote:
So this is simply about choice?
Is that all you got?


Having a choice is the most empowering thing. But you may be in too much pain now to appreciate that. I'm sorry for what you went through. I hope you soon come out of this story stronger and happier and closer to Hashem and to yourself.
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Jun 19 2024, 2:46 pm
Any resources, like podcast episodes or YouTube videos that would help me overcome the anger of school abuse or the pain of spiritual abuse?

Please feel free to share.
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amother
Papayawhip


 

Post Wed, Jun 19 2024, 2:58 pm
I feel the same way OP. After doing everything right my whole life, I went through a year of hell getting rejected from 7 yeshivahs. I also had to rethink everything. It's really really painful. I still wish I can live somewhere with no spiritual abuse but I realize that these places come along with different issues. So I chose the lesser of two evils. I to some degree have lost faith in humanity. I feel isolated, depressed, angry and cynical. I'm in so much pain. I know all the right answers logically but that doesn't help me emotionally.
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amother
Zinnia


 

Post Wed, Jun 19 2024, 3:01 pm
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. If this has anything to do with neurodivergence, unfortunately this is an all too common occurrence. 😞
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amother
Firethorn


 

Post Wed, Jun 19 2024, 3:06 pm
amother OP wrote:
Any resources, like podcast episodes or YouTube videos that would help me overcome the anger of school abuse or the pain of spiritual abuse?

Please feel free to share.


Maybe the anger and the pain is a good thing. The anger is a good thing because they are wrong and you are acknowledging that they hurt you. It wasn't you who was bad which would happen if you suppressed the anger. Same with the pain. It's because you're a good person who cares that it hurts.

How do you continue to grow without drowning in the anger and pain?

For me what worked is focusing on my own connection to Hashem. Who is the God who I believe in? What does it mean to have a connection to Him that's not dependent on anyone else?

It's hard work but the most rewarding possible. There's something uniquely special about overcoming the Chillul Hashem in your own mind. About deciding to bring God's light into the world. Not just in spite of, but because there are so many who misuse it. Knowing that you have seen the greatest ugliness and still choosing to spread goodness.
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amother
cornflower


 

Post Wed, Jun 19 2024, 3:11 pm
amother OP wrote:
So this is simply about choice?
Is that all you got?


What would you like to hear?
That they're wrong? That doesn't help.
That they should burn in hell? Sure but I don't make that call.
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amother
Cerulean


 

Post Wed, Jun 19 2024, 3:22 pm
amother Papayawhip wrote:
I feel the same way OP. After doing everything right my whole life, I went through a year of hell getting rejected from 7 yeshivahs. I also had to rethink everything. It's really really painful. I still wish I can live somewhere with no spiritual abuse but I realize that these places come along with different issues. So I chose the lesser of two evils. I to some degree have lost faith in humanity. I feel isolated, depressed, angry and cynical. I'm in so much pain. I know all the right answers logically but that doesn't help me emotionally.


What kind of issues could possibly be worse than what you are dealing with if it leaves you feeling this way? My community isn't perfect, but there's no spiritual abuse that I'm aware of.
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amother
Gladiolus


 

Post Wed, Jun 19 2024, 3:22 pm
I think something to think about is, where do you want your life to be and look like in 5 years from now?

Living in the same community? Having the same friends?

Try to imagine what you truly want for yourself and your family. And then try to make that happen
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amother
Cerulean


 

Post Wed, Jun 19 2024, 3:25 pm
amother OP wrote:
I'm 34 years old and for the first time in my life I am rethinking my entire lifestyle.

I've always been a good kid. I was well liked in school by everyone and in high school I developed into a deeply spiritual and well-behaved girl. I've always been a seeker but I never had a problem with Yiddishkeit and I've never behaved rebelliously.

I got married to a less-serious-than-me guy, but we are raising a wonderful family (if I do say so myself). My kids are wonderful and I count my blessings.

Unfortunately some really bad things went down with my kids school this year. I'll spare the ugly details to protect the guilty, but it involved throwing my kids out of school, and lots and lots of rejection from other schools, as well as constant feelings of self-criticism and paranoia. Their school has been stringing us along for months - making us plead and beg while they further reject us. We feel like garbage.

I'm angry and I feel vengeful. I hate that other trash people can make me feel this way, take all my life's effort and investment and trash it, and take control the direction of my home.

Do I want to keep raising my kids in this system? At this point 100% no.

But how can I possibly uproot my kids entire lifestyle, rip them away from truly wonderful friends? Also, even if I hypothetically abandoned my family and moved away to some place where I could live and breathe in peace, I know that there's no running away from Hashem. I'm stuck and don't believe in any of this bs.


I'm sorry you were kade to feel this way, and that your kids have had to suffer as well. It's 100% wrong.

Can you possibly find some middle ground? An out of town community that is less judgemental would allow you to breathe and live without having to throw all your values away. This is not an issue everywhere, BH.
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Jun 19 2024, 3:41 pm
amother Zinnia wrote:
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. If this has anything to do with neurodivergence, unfortunately this is an all too common occurrence. 😞


It does not.
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amother
Fern


 

Post Wed, Jun 19 2024, 3:56 pm
Op, I do feel your pain. I think there have been some really smart posts here. I dealt with my own school drama and it really taught me a lot. Unfortunately a large number of the people in power are egotistical bad people. Do you know any kind normal people who would ever want to be in a school power position? It often attracts a certain personality…. As others have said these people are not yiddishkeit, they are twisted individuals. In the world to come it says that you will see “tzadikkim “ sitting in gehinom and the quiet people who you thought were nothing sitting at the top. Important to keep your head down and block out the noise and look for the simple quiet good people for inspiration. There are so many good people out there, but the not such great ones can really make a lot of noise and drown them out. These twisted individuals do not represent hashem. And important to remember people are not black and white. Everyone has a mix of good and bad to varying degrees. Try to block out the bad and look for the good. And daven to hashem for help, don’t count on people. Hoping things get better for very soon. Every community has its issues, if your kids are overall happy leave them be.
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amother
Amethyst


 

Post Wed, Jun 19 2024, 4:03 pm
You need to let yourself process the hurt, the pain, the anger, the helplessness. It could be therapy. It could be on your own. It's not about Hashem or the system; it's about your broken heart. 💔
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Jun 19 2024, 4:04 pm
amother cornflower wrote:
What would you like to hear?
That they're wrong? That doesn't help.
That they should burn in hell? Sure but I don't make that call.


If I'm being completely honest with you, yes I wish you would say that.

Better yet, I wish Hashem would say that, and make it clear who's right and who's wrong.

I'm angry and I want justice. I want a certain person who hurt us intentionally and without mercy to feel everything I felt.
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